Writing this down to get it out of my head hopefully, so I won’t keep swimming in these thoughts.
The past year I had constantly been adjusting to Batik. When I adopted her, she was a senior already. I wanted to make her last years better. She’s around 14/15, no one really knows how old she is exactly as she had been passed around different households. She was with me for nearly 6 years & was an Iron Lady Lola through most of it. Ready to fight any dog larger than her. It was only during the pandemic when she aged & weakened so rapidly. When she started having a hard time walking we kept finding ways. First a push cart, then a back brace, then a makeshift walker to keep her up, then a proper walker with wheels, until finally it was just yoga mats on the floor to cushion her falls.
Today is Tuesday & it was the first time I got a whole night’s sleep in months. I’ve gotten used to waking up between midnight & dawn several times to attend to Lola Batik who would cry in distress because she can't stand up to pee or poop. If I’m lucky I catch her on time but there were too many nights when there was a mess to clean up. My patience would vary & there are times I would take out my frustrations on her. I guess that's why I held on for so long, as penance for the times that I’d harshly push her away from falling into her pee or stepping on her poop. At one point though I made a promise that I will never hurt her again. “I’m here” I say when I attend to her “I’m always here”.
Last Saturday morning I had a very bad meltdown. I was severely sleep deprived & she was just crying & crying & none of the usual things I do would pacify her. She made one mess after another. I kept shouting at her & was already imagining violent means to just end everything. I called Paulle for help because I was afraid of what I’ll do to her or myself. I’ve never felt that way.
Just over a month ago she beat the dreaded ehrlichia for the third time in her life. Platelets were normal but her body was old & weak. She was not really in pain because she would stop crying as soon as I attended to her, our vet verified that. I told myself as long as she had her appetite we would still go on. I thought that it wasn’t fair to end her life because of how inconvenient it was for me. I thought I just needed to keep on adjusting & learn to control my temper. It wasn’t like I was subjecting her to chemo or any painful treatments.
But Paulle made the case that I shouldn’t wait for things to get worse. That pain is a certainty sooner rather than later. Lola Batik couldn’t see anymore, can barely walk & always falls down. If she could talk, what would she say? Would she want all this? She looked horrible as well. Any pet owner/parent/friend would always pride themselves on how healthy their doggos looked. Her immune system would no longer heal her skin after it got mange as a side effect from steroids when we fought off a lung infection. Weekly oil treatments kept it managable for many months until she started looking like a zombie. I felt silly/bad that she looked so poor & neglected instead of the matron who has a personal servant.
So after talking & crying (& crying some more) with Paulle, we decided to go to the vet & ask about putting Lola Batik to sleep. Part of me was still hoping that our vet would say otherwise but she said she was actually surprised that I managed to wait this long. She said she’ll need to prepare herself as well & give us time to think when we want it done. We initially set it to next Saturday, one last week with her.
Infini-tears, I did not know we could cry this much. That Saturday night I did not administer her maintenance meds anymore. What for? But it felt so odd breaking our well established routine. When we woke up Sunday morning, we were back on the meds & nebulization sessions. I figured I’ll do everything as normal this final week. But my heart felt like an obese elephant. I didn’t think I could do this for more days. So I went to the vet & scheduled Monday morning. I paid for the procedure so we’d have one less thing to attend to. Cry. Cry. Cry. Sidenote: Do not bike while crying, obvious hazards.
There was a bit of relief knowing I did not have to carry the feeling for a whole week. I decided I’d take Lola Batik for one last walk around our old route in the village. I carried her since she can’t walk & she never got used to the wheel walker I bought. Since she can’t see I just talked to her & described where we were. I told her about the building in the distance that was my first adult home. The new houses that had popped up. I reminded her where the burrito place was. When we got home I gave Lola Batik Ministop Fried Chicken & she gobbled it up. I doubted the decision again. No turning back now, I already paid. But it’s not like it’s binding & surely I’m not the first one to back out of such a procedure. More doubts, more regrets, more tears.
I told my family about it & asked our Antipolo house to dig her a grave. Next to where Momo was buried. Krik & Michelle came to visit. Larry competed for attention. As midnight came I set up waterproof linings on the couch so I could sleep next to her. She used to sleep next to me from time to time. I used to put her between pillows & call it a Batik Sandwich. When she got weak & incontinent she no longer went up to my bed. That night as I lay next to her I could easily feel her twitch when she needed to be assisted. Maybe I would not have been so tired all this time if I had thought of this earlier. This was better than being woken up by a sharp cry. Too late now genius. I didn’t really sleep, as tired as I was, how could I? I just counted down the hours as silly movies played on TV. I drew to pass the time. I kept telling her I loved her.
Monday morning came. I was nervous about being late for our appointment & I kept checking on Paulle if she was on her way. Krik & Michelle met us outside the vet & they said their goodbyes. Tears for all. I brought Batik’s bed & blanket because I knew that it was cold inside & she hates the cold. I told Batik to say hello to Momo, Akiba, Mama, to Paulle’s Dad, to Silong, to Supremo to everyone on the other side. Doc explained the procedure but we misunderstood. When they asked us to step out, I thought we would still get to see her sleeping before they plug in the heart stopping serum. We withheld saying the last goodbye. I thought I’d get to hold her as she fell asleep THEN step out because they did not want us seeing the possible involuntary spasms. They called us in & she was gone. I was shocked & we cried & carried her body to the car. “HINDI KO NAINTINDIHAN!” I bawled to Paulle, I didn’t get to say goodbye. But I guess it’s all the same anyway. This whole year has been one very long Goodbye.
We drove up to my father’s house in Antipolo. He was under the weather & still asleep so he did not come out to see us. But Kuya Blady’s, his kind assistant, had prepared everything. He even made a makeshift shed because he was afraid it would still be raining hard when we arrived. He tried hard not to cry & helped me lower her body down. We cushioned her body between banana leaves, one last Batik Sandwich, then planted the guyabano tree. And that was that.
I am still floating. I have much to put away. My whole house has been reconfigured to her needs. I have stocks of medication to give away, mats & blankets to clean. I finally unplugged the blow dry & nebulizer. The two most used appliances, alway ready to go. Just preparing food for Larry brings me to tears, what was for two is now just for one. This will take a while.
I miss you & love you so much Lola Batik. Thank you for being the bestest Lola Dog in the whole wide universe </3
