4.1.21
fuck life.
My bday was amazing - too bad i wanted to curl in a hole and sleep the entire day. Sometimes i feel like people don't get me, which is probably the case since i’m a strange cookie but seriously. My job, like, i’m a great boss and co worker, i listen, i enact policies that are beneficial to all, i run quick efficient meetings. In life, i’m a great mom - i listen, i help, i purchase, i cook, i clean, i partake in little games, i bring him out places, i give him new experiences. In my love life however - you ever feel like you allow yourself to be mistreated bc that's your worth? Well, that's where i’m at. I think i actually am in my relationship for a multitude of good reasons but also, so many bad ones. So many that i don't tell anyone bc i don't want ppl judging him or me or us. I’m sick of being the one who works every fucking day, and then some. I mean, i have TWO jobs. I work 6 days a week (most weeks) and i still manage to take care of life (minus a load of laundry or two). My previous relationship was highly abusive and i sat in it for 4 years before running for the hills. I have to be honest though, i would NEVER have ran if my friends/fam didn’t open my eyes to what i was allowing him to do to me. ON the outside we were perfect, but behind closed doors i was manipulated, emotionally physically and mentally abused, coerced into sex, forced sometimes etc. And yet, i took it, cause i loved him. Is that what im doing now? Taking it because i love him? Is it even love? Am i just in love with the IDEA of being in love?! WHAT THE FUCK! i don’t know what to do. My current doesn’t physically hit me, EVER, let me make that clear, but i still feel small. I feel belittled and ignored, coerced and manipulated into living this life with him.Why do i feel this way...
sometimes i think i wanna be alone forever, or be a serial dater or like, have a sugar daddy (jkjk) but for real, i want a change! I want to be happy. I want to work while my other half works in an equally challenging position and we can stack bread and get the fuck out of this place we currently call home. Where I’m at now, I’m am certainly terrified i will never get what i want. I will never get a significant other who does HALF of the house work and life work. I want another kid but HOLY SHIT I’m 32 and my kid is going to be 10 soon and idk if its worth it to start all over. Does this make me a bad person? I am too exhausted to play the “no sleep” game. I just want someone to listen.
On a serious note - lets talk sex. Why does everyone feel entitled to have sex with their significant other? Why is it like, a guarantee for them? I dont ever assume someone is in the mood but when it comes to my relationship if i dont fuck him, i am clearly whoring around and getting it elsewhere cause everyone needs sex. like.. no i don’t. and i don’t want it either. WOW. i must be broken. Why do i always give in? I know why, cause im sick and tierd of fighting over sex. Its old. Im too old for this shit now and forever more. I just wanna be like “ IM CELIBATE” but for him that literally means “i am fucking other people to get satisfied”. But, the two ARE NOT EQUAL!! its okay to not want to have sex and yet, its not. Its expected of me to be the good girlfriend and participate. And its not like i can just lay back and play pillow princess, no, he wants head. somethinhg we have discussed that i am NOT into and therefore i do not want to do. Again, unacceptable. I had to agree to give him head once a month!! OMFG.
What is wrong with me.
Why can’t i just get up and be like, ya know, dear, this just isnt my style so thanks for the memories but no. I am incapable of sticking up for myself. Strange since i have a huge mouth and i have no problem stirring up shit for others but when it comes to myself i can never say no. I have to give in to what everyone wants of me and thats exhausting. Im exhausted.
This is why self-harm has been in the forefront of my brain recently and i cannot get it to leave, despite asking many times.
Starving myself is the only fucking control i get but this is scaring me a bit. I can’t go forever without eating. I need to find a way to speak up before i cant back out of this relationship and im stuck forever being a miserable woman in a relationship where she does everything and gets shit for it.
Im sick of this life.
My life.
It would be great if i could go to sleep and not wake, then, everyone can move on happily and ill just be dead, like i am now inside, but 6 feet under.
