#selfeval

I had a really successful semester in Chemistry II. I successfully grasped all of the concepts and proved my ability via problem sets, concept labs, and lab project reports. I entered this group late, as I had taken my first round of Chemistry class at Mount Holyoke. I think that I made the transition into the class well, even if it was a lot to transition to a different standard and requirements of learning.

At the beginning of the semester I struggled a bit with time management, and turned in two problem sets late. If I ever turned in something late it was because I knew it would be better to turn it in late and thoughtful than on-time and rushed. In general, my problem sets were clean and correct. Whenever I made mistakes or got a question wrong, I usually had a sound line of reasoning when going wrong. Furthermore, I made sure to consult Dula’s corrections to my work and internalize the correct way of doing things.

I consistently came to class and labs. Although I continuously had conflicts with Maggie’s potential TA hours (due to club meetings and dance rehearsals), I consulted her often during labs, and reached out to her outside of class. A friend and classmate, Julia Ramsey, also was a great resource to me (especially during remote learning), and often helped me through class structures that I felt unfamiliar with because I was new this semester.

During the second half of the semester I struggled to learn online. I found it difficult to internalize some of the mathematical concepts we were learning without the opportunity to discuss them during lab sessions, or outside of class. I had to create my own ways of holding myself accountable to getting the work done, and I am proud to say that I stayed on top of the workload during remote learning. My final paper could benefit from a few more sources, but I think overall it is a concise, thoughtful, and well-written report.

I am really proud of the work I have done this semester in Illustration Projects. This was the first studio class I had ever taken at Hampshire (my other experiences with studio art had been relegated to the other four colleges). It was a little daunting at first, given the length of the class and the population of driven artists who would become my classmates. This semester in Illustration I really surprised myself. I held myself to a high standard, created work I was proud of, and participated in a classroom dynamic that would grow to be supportive and generative.

I entered the class and immediately put my all into the first prompt. I think the police blotter assignment is one of my favorite pieces I made for the class. I created a character and introduced the class to my style of drawing. These pieces were very indicative of my way of working and were a testament to my established habits. As I continued onto the Op Ed assignment, I was drawn to an article about face-mask solidarity. Little did I know, I would end up rendering a thoughtful drawing that would become eerily relevant to our day-to-day lives.

One thing I wish that I had been more strict with myself about is the sketchbook prompts. I had never had homework like this before, and often felt like it was an uphill battle to complete the assignment fully. Being a perfectionist, it was difficult for me to move on to a new page while sketching. I soon learned that sketches can be just what they are called-- sketches-- and don’t have to be “finished”. This helped me to continue on in the practice, although I believe I have much to learn. I hope to bring this ‘10 pages of sketchbook a week’ habit into the future with me. I think it will be good for my creative practice, and it is a great way to document the passing of time.

In my final folk tale illustrations I took a risk and played with materials and structure, creating wearable illustrations for each of the African folk tales shared in class. Given that remote learning threw a wrench in our schedule, I think I rose to the challenge. I am really proud of the final projects and I think each pair of earrings is a unique example of my drawing style and drive to include audience interaction in my work.

Retrospective Essay

Locating the edge so that I can know where to construct my tightrope

This semester in intermediate modern, I explored the house of my body more than I have ever before in a technique class. I found that my apartment body has many more floors than I anticipated. It has been a fruitful and difficult fall, and the practice of going to class twice a week was both challenging and relieving. By the end of it all, the time and care I gave to this practice is very apparent in my body, the questions I am asking, and the ways in which I am feeling and moving through them.

Much of my exploration in this movement practice during the fall of 2019 has been dependent on my willingness to learn and speak the language of the floor. I have begun a process of understanding my consciousness while dancing and how my thought processes affect my movement. This semester I took my training wheels off, and threw myself around. If I might fall off the edge, I can locate it, and learn to balance upon it. In the last class recording, I was proud to see the most moments yet where I fell off my balance or danced too far over the edge and I lost the ground. I choose to see this as encouraging, it means I’ve been pushing myself towards this goal of being over the edge: I will have to fall over it to know where it is, so I may balance on its ledge.

I began the semester excited to meet and get to know my undercurve. She turned out to be very shy, needing much coaxing. This was a fact I had been generally aware of, but became very apparent as I struggled to get into the ground. While I battled my short achilles tendon, I found new and different ways to find the floor in my practice. I discovered a technique of imagining a few inches of floor space associated with the plane of the ground in either direction, so that going into and coming out of the floor might be a longer process than a simple flat one.

There is a pattern in the ways that I responded to the videos of class time. I am inclined to grasp onto the things I know I would like to do better. It is hard for me to recognize my strengths. My moments of suspension often felt artificial in a way that I wasn’t pleased with. I wondered what the felt difference was between movements that I watched and was proud of, and the ones I was critical of. The juiciness I was feeling didn’t seem to be translating when I watched myself after the fact. I was especially struck by how different my inversions looked in conflict with my felt assumption of how they were appearing. My hips felt like they were so much higher than they actually were, and I again learned that I need to push myself over the edge so I may figure out where it is in my body. What degree do I need to be feeling the dance for it to be perceived by others the way I want it to? This ratio is defined by my relationship to a viewer, which I think is questionable in and of itself.

Much of my end-of-semester musings have revolved around my own presence and awareness while dancing. I have become very interested in the cognition of the dancer. Especially because I have begun to integrate the use of text in my own work, I am curious about the head-voice of the silent dancer. What is being said in one’s head when in motion may deeply affect the kinesthetic decisions they are making. It is a really interesting question to ask, because it is so difficult to measure in practice. How does my consciousness inform my movement? How does the voice in my head dance while I am in motion? Does a change in the tone of my internal monologue affect my resulting motion? What am I actually saying while I’m dancing? Is it words? Could it be understandable to some outside listener? I am continuing to ask these questions now, because I have yet to find an answer that satisfies me.

How is my experience and awareness shaping my ability to ‘dance’? How is it affecting the ways that I translate feeling in my body out into my kinesphere? I have begun to imagine there being two directions in my movement: impulse and decision. There is something magical about following an impulse, but it is a gut reaction and not a thought process. This is unlike a decision, which is actively made, and sometimes preemptive to movement. I am now very centrally aware of the interplay between impulse and decision in my own movement practice, because I think it provides a really interesting structure for me to interrogate. Defining these terms for myself is useful in figuring how to best position myself between the two so I may take from either when necessary.

One of my movement tendencies is to release and rebound, which isn’t necessarily bad; I think it is an important part of my style and practice to be concerned with the weight of gravity on muscle bone and ligament. I hit the hits, but where is the soft follow through? Are there other ways than tone to communicate dedication to follow through? I think my concern with strong breaks might be strengthened by an increased ability to call upon movement on the opposite end of the spectrum, suspension that is careful, toned and precise. How can followed momentum be co-opted by the body and suspended?

Throughout the semester, I continued to wish that my I was bending my knees more. Much of my exploration in this movement practice during the fall of 2019 has been dependent on my willingness to learn and speak the language of the floor. I developed a method of examining what I have named “floor aftermath” in my journey to learning how to be in and with the floor. I have decided that it is important to my practice to be fluent in this language, and as I have learned this semester, that will only be possible through a process of total immersion. What happens when 50% or more of my weight/body is transferred from my feet to other parts of my body? I have been processing how I explore the way the floor is reaching up to me as I am reaching down to it.

My semester in Cell Biology solidified my identity as a scientist and my place in the world of biology. Having taken an intro-level biology course at Smith last year, I wasn’t struggling with the material too much, but was still challenged by what we were doing in class. This class was different from the other biology I had from other institutions: we had a lot more hands on work and interrogation of the course material that I had ever encountered, which encouraged me to dive deeper than ever before.

I generally struggled with time management this semester, as a result of wanting to do so many things in and outside of the classroom. I’m sad to say that Cell Biology was a class that was one which carried the brunt of this weight. Although I turned in many of my assignments late, I believe the extra time I had to take made the finished work shine. I made the decision this semester to ask for extensions when I felt I needed them, instead of rushing something and turning in a product that was not representational of my engagement with the topics or my critical thinking. Not only was I taking six classes, but over the course of the semester I prepared for and performed in two dance shows. I may have not been great at managing my time and balancing my outside commitments with so much work to do for class, but I am really proud of the quality of work I achieved while doing so much. I reached out to our TA, Bri Larson, many times, who helped me catch up with lab work that I missed and work through problems I was having. She was a great asset to me this semester.

A good example of my extra-time-taking this semester is my paper, Infecting the Macrophage: A Review of Mycobacterium tuberculosis. In the beginning stages, I believed that the finished product was supposed to be a semi-colloquial paper that a non-scientist could understand. I didn’t realize that the goal was to write a paper in the style of the journals we so often read, so my foundation for the paper was misguided. Having to start over from scratch was very difficult for me, as I had never written in this style before. I struggled a lot to synthesize and even understand a lot of the primary literature I was using. I did not know how to write a scientific review paper, and often felt lost. Thankfully, my peer Soe Herman-Dunphy was a great resource to me and helped me through the process. As I continued to work on the paper, I became more confident using scientific language. I was very intent on making sure this was a skill I developed, and am very happy with the finished paper. I think it is a thoughtfully written and in-depth review, representative of my completely new, honed and harnessed skill.

My semester in Anim 2 was filled with rich learning and practice. Although I was slow to start, I am proud of the work that I achieved towards the end of the semester. Entering the class having taken Anim 1 in Maya with Chris a year prior, I faced the decision between continuing in Maya, or starting afresh in Blender. I decided after some thinking that I would spend the semester using Blender, a decision that resulted in a slow start. I had to navigate Blender for all of my class assignments, which was new and confusing, but I slowly got the hang of it. I found myself supplementing my lack of Blender knowledge with online videos, which helped in my learning. While I think my work in Blender during the first half of the semester could have been better, I also acknowledge that I hold myself to a very high standard, and in the context of learning a new program, I think I put forward my best effort. Not only was I learning a new program, but over the course of the semester I prepared for and performed in two dance shows. I may have not been great at managing my time and balancing my outside commitments with so much work to do for class, but I am really proud of the quality of work I achieved while learning a new program at an advanced level. I feel like I have a great foundation built to continue learning and teaching myself new things.

This class has made me a better chef and scientist. From the beginning of the class I was an engaged and active participant. The course combined two of my favorite things-- science and food-- so I found it difficult to contain my excitement. This semester I have gained an incredible amount of experience in the kitchen. I have grown a lot as a chef and now understand the underlying chemical processes behind some of my favorite meals.

I was punctual and thorough in my problem set assignments and made an effort to be an active participant in class discussions. Sometimes I have trouble dividing work in groups, but Elaine and Helen were some of the best collaborators I’ve ever worked with. They were always super hard-working, kind, and dedicated to our cooking adventures.

Every Friday morning I walked to EDH, coffee in hand. Inevitably I’d spill some of it on the walk over, coffee sloshing over my hand and wrist. Eventually, the hot coffee on my hand would soothe the cold that began to grip at me and the trees. I would arrive to class smelling like a latte, my cup free of an inch of caffeine, but I was okay with that because I knew the coffee trail would guide me back home after three hours.

In this Friday morning class, I became a better writer, speaker, and most importantly, a better reader. This semester, I spent three hours each Friday in class with several other student writers. We had vibrant discussions where almost everyone contributed as we taught and learned from one another.

I am really proud of how our class community grew during this semester. At the beginning of the semester, I was intimidated by all of my fellow students who seemed to be advanced story writers. I wanted to contribute to discussions but often felt like I was saying the “wrong” thing, even though there is no such thing. Slowly, I gained confidence, as well as the vocabulary, to discuss the work we were digesting in class. By the end, I felt like we were so familiar with each others’ styles and tendencies that it was fun and easy to discuss work.

At the start of class, when we were reading published short stories and preparing to write our first, I wasn't sure what to expect from myself. I knew I would be able to write a story, but I had no idea what would come out of me until I started writing. I am someone who thrives when I am around other people, having conversations. I tell stories almost every minute of every day as long as someone will listen, and sometimes even when they don’t. Telling the story was not what I personally needed to learn how to do. The trick was to get my voice to come out of my fingers instead of my throat. To tell the story to trickle out of my typing digits. This was the most difficult lesson for me to learn. My fingers were most familiar with poking poetry onto a google doc. In high school I learned how to write poems, and that's how I learned to tell my stories. When our first writing assignment came along after the first week of class, I felt lost and unable to produce a product. I didn’t know how to begin writing a short story. So I did what I knew best; I let myself start writing a poem. The first story I wrote for the class, Breakfast, could easily be a long form poem, although I think it is also whatever you want it to be. The beauty of that story is that it is both poem and prose, a result of walking the line between them like a balance beam.

The first rough draft I turned in of Breakfast was wobbly. I did not yet know how I wanted to work. I did not know how to write words that weren’t inspired by my own experience. I did not know how to write a story that used poetry as a special spice, and not as a foundation. But after some peer editing, I found some footing. I decided on plot points, I found my characters’ histories. This lesson was important to my growth as a writer; I learned that in order for a story to feel real in the way I want it to, I must develop a character in my mind past the point of their poetic image and into the realm of layered history.

In class we presented on short stories we read from the book The Art of the Story. Reading works by published authors was good practice in dissecting a story and learning from the way it is put together. I prepared a presentation for G-String by Nicola Barker. Reading the story with the goal of crafting questions for a class discussion pushed me to read the story in a deeper way. I was looking for ways to begin discussions, looking for decisions Barker made that we could interrogate. I brought this way of reading into subsequent stories we were assigned, and reading this way made me more prepared for class discussions, and ultimately made my own writing practice more dynamic.

For the second writing assignment, I felt more comfortable in my ability to craft a story. After reading and discussing my classmates’ work for four classes, I had gained an understanding of what I was inspired by, and the styles I wanted to experiment with. The workshop process allowed me to familiarize myself with my fellow writers’ work, and also to discover what I as a writer was most excited about.

When I was writing 12 Quarts of Cold Brew, I knew that I wanted to focus on character in order to create a sense of place. In many ways, Jamie herself is the place, in the same way that Filter Coffee is a character. Writing the rough draft I struggled with falling into a character study instead of establishing a clear plot. After peer editing it seemed more clear what I needed to do: figure out what Jamie wants.

I am not sure if the final draft of 12 Quarts did figure that out, or even if Jamie herself knows what she wants. I debated revising the story, but I decided that I need to sit with it more, and I need to revise it in the coffee shop back in Chicago that inspired the Filter I wrote into that story.