#self-thinking

sin·gu·lar·i·ty

/ˌsiNGɡyəˈlerədē/

noun

PHYSICS•MATHEMATICS

a point at which a function takes an infinite value, especially in space-time when matter is infinitely dense, as at the center of a black hole.

—a phrase that is originally derived from mathematics and describes a point which we are incapable of deciphering its exact properties. It’s that place where the equations basically go nuts and make no sense any longer.

dream

/drēm/

noun

a cherished aspiration, ambition, or ideal.

For the majority of people, a dream is something that they want to achieve. As absurd as it is, but it still has a chance to become a reality. It was realistic in the first place.

For me, I interpret dreams a bit differently. Imagine that your life is a straight line. That was the reality. That straight line is a reality. Dream is when that line starts to make a branch. The alternatives.

The what-if scenario.

This scenario is more than often haunting my mind. As curious as it might be, my mind perpetually tries to project those scenarios into a marbled reality. A pointless effort to reality-test something that has never become a reality.

Speaking about probability, by theory it was not zero at all. Near zero, perhaps—but if it is a reality then it only lies in a singularity.

At this point, it is safe to assume that all my dreams and desires only lie in a singularity.

So why do I keep walking on this straight line? Well, for that question to be honest I have no answer yet. Someday, perhaps.

放浪者の日記 // Journal of a Wanderer

For me, living an introverted life more than often is painful but at the same time gave me opportunities for doing extraordinary things.

With a very few or even nobody to talk to about my problems, self-talk always became an option—so often until it became a habit and most of the time happened unconsciously.

Self-talk helps me to build focus, do selective input and to a certain extent; creating a mind-projected world. Sounds as crazy as it seems, but that is what I do: creating a Reality Marble.

Borrowing the concept from FATE franchise:

Reality Marble ( 固有結界: Koyū Kekkai/ Innate Bounded Field) is one that centres around the materialization and projection of one's inner world onto reality.

Or Domain Expansion; the one with similar concept from Jujutsu Kaisen:

Domain Expansion (領域展開: Ryōiki Tenkai) is an advanced Barrier Technique that manifests the user's Innate Domain and traps their target inside it using a barrier wall to create a separate space.

The main idea is creating a separate; isolated world from reality as a manifestation of mind projection. Of course if compared with its anime counterpart, my version does not manifest into physical reality but stays in my own mind. But yes, I cut the connections with reality and the surroundings, and allow only a few inputs (e.g: visual, auditory or olfactory).

From outside, people would look at me as a responseless figure, staring blankly into spaces. But inside, I actually create an infinite space for me to do something without a distraction.

Of course it didn't happen overnight. It took year after year; countless self-talk, self-reflection, inner battle and contemplation after I was finally able to perform it. Still need fine tuning but for now I think it’s quite handy.

The only drawback is it takes a lot of energy, so most likely I got physically and mentally exhausted after.

So, if any of you just called me and got no response, perhaps I’m wandering aimlessly somewhere and get lost in my own mind.

It feels like my social support system was crumbling slowly.

It starts to feel difficult for me to keep everything in an order. Like everything started slipping out my hand.

It feels like I’m barely hanging on a thread, trying to make sure that everything is alright, everything is okay.

But it turns out that it’s not that okay.

I'm just afraid that I will have no place to return to.

I’m afraid that someday I will be engulfed in the darkness once more.

Perhaps I’m just pretending.

Perhaps I’m just deceiving myself.

Sadness.

A bitter emotion that sometimes comes in short sting or lingering pain that drags you down from time to time. Annoying as hell and sometimes capable to incapacitate thinking ability. I just don’t like it.

Unfortunately, sadness more than often happens to me. From a significant life moment to an unexplained one. Most of it comes without any clear reason at all. A bit different from melancholy (that we sometimes enjoy wallowing on it), it gave me a massive discomfort.

Since it mostly came without a reason, I have difficulties in identifying and mapping the root cause.

Or, actually I can but I’m just denying it.

So what then? I simply convert it into a blazing rage. Well, it could be an aversion, sublimation, displacement or you name it. I know it’s not healthy but for now I just have no other option. Through rage (silent one, if you ask. Just like a furnace) I could exhaust my energy by heightened senses, increasing blood pulses and sharp focus.

Everything came with a cost. After the rage has cooled down, I feel so exhausted and fatigued. But at least I could (temporarily) drive that sadness away.

Chasing winds is crazy.

Why would you chase something that you cannot grasp? at least that's what i thought–but in fact I’m still (trying) to chase the winds out of curiosity; just like a cat drawn into a wool yarn.

Crazy, indeed.

But there is something I just realized throughout these pointless activities. When I purposely chased the winds, it slipped away my hands and I got nothing.

Meanwhile, when I start to think “oh, this is so pointless” the wind itself blows gently towards me just like the first day of spring.

Another crazy thing about winds is that if you got the right amount, it feels good–but if it’s too much, you’re going to catch a cold.

Perhaps I just need to close the window a little.

Pain.

I sometimes question the true purpose of the pain. Why it’s here in the first place? and why sometimes I am afraid and avoiding it so much?

To start, pain is an unpleasant experience. And oh—I’m not talking about the physical pain. It’s the psychological one. Well yeah, it could manifest into a wide array of unpleasant feelings: disappointment, restrained anger, fear, anxiety and doubled the impact by adding one factor; sometimes I just don’t get the reason why it occurs in the first place.

Or perhaps I know, and just afraid to embrace the truth—denying it.

Despite the unpleasant experience, pain brings back the memories of the dark hours. When I’m anchoring into present reality, I just realized how far we go. It's a bittersweet experience actually.

I sometimes question the meaning of happiness.

A concept that seems fragile, limited and finite for me. I never actively seek it in my life, since I’m accustomed to living a servant leadership—to serve and sacrifice.

This noble knight way-of-life perhaps is an apex of my self-suggestion, or perhaps self-deception? I never know, though. What I really think is that perhaps through hardship I could nullify the pain.

In the end I just ran away again.