My theriotypes are āspiritual.ā I donāt necessarily believe the typical āmy soul has been transferred to a human body.ā I donāt really believe in souls. I think, maybe, life has a weight that leaves an impression on a part of the universe that we canāt see or measure- like an extradimensional aspect- and sometimes this impression carries on after the beingās death. So my āpast livesā are not, were not me. They were the previous holders of the weight that is now mine. And this weight is partial to the shape of the life that held it previously.
Of course, I donāt know this. I think when dealing with the metaphysical, the most important to keep in mind is that you can never know for sure. It could be psychological. It could be souls as other people think of them. I think my explanation is pretty middle-of-the-road between āscientific explanationā and āmagic is real.ā But it could be any of those. I just think that, considering things like invisible dimensions and subatomic forces too small to be noticed, thereās more to the universe than our eyes let us see - while still trying to be logical about it. I know itās too boring for some of the Iāve-spoken-to-Dionysus-personally people and too out there for some of the Richard-Dawkins-is-an-inspiration-of-mine people, but itās just how I think. (Disclaimer: this was said in casual jest to theists and atheists alike with lighthearted intent and all due respect. I know some people are very quick to anger. I think youāre both great.)
Questions and answers under the cut.
What makes you believe this identity is spiritual in origin?
Certain experiences that cannot be explained by any of the psychological explanations Iāve seen so far. The ābrain abnormalityā one doesnāt make sense to me; what neurological processes would make me be an osprey specifically? Especially if itās genetic, and was in place before I was born- I didnāt learn what an osprey was until I was ten. It would have to be a brain abnormality that developed in my teen years, and Iāve been having shifts my entire life.
The āimprintingā one doesnāt make sense either, though I do think it has more credibility. Especially because I was raised alongside cats and have very strong catlike tendencies. But I was definitely not raised alongside any of my theriotypes, nor was I exposed to a lot of media that involved them. Badger in particular definitely wasnāt an animal that was very prevalent in my childhood. There are none where I grew up, none in any media I liked as a kid, and they were not my favorite animal. In fact, it took me so long to realize that theriotype because it was among the last things I would have considered. I had no opinions on badgers before last year. You know, when I realized I was one.
How do you believe you came here as a human?
Complete chance. I donāt think there is any intention in the way life comes to be or comes to end.Ā
Ā Have you ever considered your identity might be psychological? Why/why not?
Sure. In fact, I started out as a psychological therian. (Kind of an asshole one, too. I hated spiritual therians for āmaking the community look bad.ā I was a real piece of shit when I was 16, thatās not even the half of it.) But I never really thought about why it was psychological, I was just one of those teenage atheists who thought any kind of spirituality was brainwashed nonsense and thought I was so smart for it.
I kind had misgivings from the get, but I shoved them out of my mind and decided I just wouldnāt think too hard about it. Or actually work out what it was exactly I believed in.
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So Iām gonna talk about my fictionkinity here, since thatās the psychological half of my identity.
Whole thing under the cut.
What makes you believe this identity is psychological in origin?
I just canāt grapple with any spiritual explanations of fictionkinity, especially the past life one. It doesnāt make sense to me. Yes, I believe in multiple universes; infinite, in fact, so sure, I imagine there are universes out there where these fictional characters are real. Yes, I believe that something from one life could be passed to a new one; the āweight theoryā if you remember from last nightās post. But I canāt wrap my mind around the idea that weight can traverse universes and the spaces between them to come to rest with someone from a different universe. The differences are too vast. I think if this was possible weād see a lot more otherkind with incomprehensible and nonsensically alien kintypes.
The psychological theory also explains why there are certain characters who are very āpopularā fictotypes - and Iām saying this as someone who has multiple of these. I know there are lots of background character and noncanon fictionfolk out there, but you canāt deny that there are some characters we see more fictionkin of.
None of this is to say I disapprove of spiritual fictionkinity, of course. I have full respect for openly spiritual fictionfolk who are unapologetic about their identity. You are braver than I. And for what itās worth, youāre definitely in the majority.
Ā Have you ever considered your identity might be spiritual? Why/why not?
I mean sure, Iāve considered it. Iāve had some dreams that got me thinking about it. But every time I consider it I come to the same conclusion; that itās psychological. Itās different from when I was a psychological therian; then, I refused to even open my mind to the possibility. I promise I do this now. On a regular basis. I'd love to believe in the spiritual explanation! Itās interesting, itās cool and itās a nice idea. But nothing is ever convincing enough.
With opossum shifts, I usually feel ears, teeth and whiskers, and sometimes a snout, a tail, and fur on my back. Iāve felt opossum hand shifts, but honestly? Theyāre hard to notice. With badger shifts, itās always the muzzle, and the tail and claws usually go with it, and sometimes the ears and teeth. With bird shifts, always wings and raven or osprey beak, sometimes tail and feet. And osprey and raven shifts feel noticeably different, especially the beak and feet but even the tail and wings have stark differences. With raven specifically, hackles and chest feathers are the usual ph-feelings, and with osprey specifically itās always the crest and sometimes the eyes. (Itās hard to explain how I have eye ph-shifts. Itās kind of likeā¦ I feel the brow, and I expect to see osprey eyes when I look in the mirror but of course donāt.)
More under cut.
What do they feel like? Cont.
Interestingly - and Iāve seen other people mention this, which greatly helped me from feeling inadequate, so hopefully this will help someone else - I rarely feel my full tail. Especially that long opossum tail. I can feel the base of it very well, but with the ends of longer extremities, I tend to lose the phantom feeling.
Fun fact: I learned to move my ears from having phantom ear shifts as a kid. I love telling people I can move my ears and when they ask to see I just move my phantom ears and they think itās so cool.
Also this is the place to mention this: I do have fictotype phantom shifts. Specifically wings on my back, when theyāre supposed to be on my arms (and much bigger) like they usually are. This is something I havenāt quite figured out. I just donāt get it. Iāve had it my whole life too, even before learning what Kid Icarus even was. So I guess itās not really fictotype-related. I just chalk it up to that because itās easy to say and itās super convenient that one of my fictotypes happens to have wings exactly like the ones I feel.
How often do you experience these?
Likeā¦ extremely frequently. At least once a day. Iāve had newer therians ask how I do it and I never have an answer. It just happens. Iām lucky I guess. Or I could lie and say Iām just so good at being a therian.
Do you enjoy phantom shifting? Why/why not? Whatās the best and worst parts about them?
Sure, I do usually. I could think of annoying times; tail when Iām sitting in a chair or with my back to the wall, ears when Iām wearing a hat, beak when Iām in public with a face mask on. Stuff like that. But when I have the space for phantom extremities, theyāre alright.
Why do you think these shifts occur? Does anything trigger them?
Why? Why do any shifts occur? Same reason as that I guess, whatever the answer is. And I donāt think specific things trigger them, or at least I havenāt noticed a pattern.
Describe your first phantom shift.
Been having āem my whole life baby! I remember thinking I was a mouse as a child, because I could almost feel like I had a long āmouseā tail. I remember in middle school I could swear I had invisible animal ears that no one could see. I thought they were cat ears, because I was obsessed with cats at the time.
Do you experience voluntary or involuntary shifts? Both? What triggers them?
I can almost force phantom shifts, by clearing my mind and focusing very hard, but the strength, duration and movability of these pale in comparison to phantom shifts that justā¦ happen. Itās like the wisp of a tail that I canāt move and lasts ten seconds. But I can tell you right now that when I was writing this, I had a phantom badger snout that was honestly kind of making my face feel weird, and it definitely wasnāt on purpose.
Iāve found that when phantom shifts happen, you shouldnāt focus all your attention on feeling and retaining them, because then theyāll fade. Just let it happen, ride the wave and it can be really cool.
Iāve definitely talked about this before, but if for some reason you werenāt there for that, yes, and I consider it a pretty important part of my alterhuman identity. In fact, all of my fictotypes you could say started as fictionflickers; my neurons made their weird connections and created a flicker for the character, it just didnāt go away for some reason. All four of my fictotypes I expected to go away with time and was surprised when they didnāt (less surprised for the most recently-discovered three, since it had happened before by then).
More under cut. Much more. An excessive amount.
What do you flicker to?
Fictional characters, with one exception that comes to mind. I do tend to have ātrends,ā certain types of characters that Iām more likely to flicker as, which Iāve documented pretty well privately. The biggest thing is that flickers tend to be characters who are not human or who otherwise have something supernatural going on. Aliens, spirits, monsters, characters with superpowers, etc.
It also happens a lot with characters who have distinctive voices or who notably donāt speak, and characters who at some point experience body-related problems (like, soul removed from their body, possession, transformed into something against their will, I mean just look at my fictotypes). These ātrendsā are so fascinating to me because theyāve given me opportunities to examine myself and try to work out why my brain picks certain characters over others. I love a puzzle.
How often do you fictionflicker?
When consuming new media, about a third of the time I will fictionflicker. There are certain forms of media Iād say I flicker from more (or less) often. Playing video games, it happens about half the time (again, just look at my fictotypes. And my current flicker is also from a game). It would be tempting to theorize that itās easier for my brain to form the identity because Iām playing as the character, but Iāve gotten flickers from games Iāve never played. Just from watching other people play it, or reading its plot.
Reading webcomics, it doesnāt happen at all; Iāve never flickered from a webcomic. Podcast characters are also less frequent.
Ā What makes you feel like this is a fictionflicker and not another identity?
It only lasts a few months at most. I have never had a fictionflicker last more than three months; three months was the longest one Iāve ever had, and that was an outlier. Usually they only last two or three weeks. Every time I thought I was fictionflickering but it lasted longer than three months, it didnāt go away at all. My most recently-discovered fictotype I discovered in late April of 2020; thatās nine months. In order of discovery, my other three fictotypes Iāve been getting shifts of for sixteen, seventeen and twenty-nine months. I could always be proven wrong and all my fictotypes could turn out to just be really long-lasting flickers, but two and a half years is a pretty long while for something to be a part of your identity for it to just go away.
Do you enjoy fictionflickering? Why/why not? Whatās the best and worst parts about them?
Sometimes yes and sometimes no. Itās just a thing that happens to me, itās a net neutral. Sometimes a fictionflicker will make me learn something about myself, or help me accept an aspect of myself I previously hated, or inspire me to become a better person. Sometimes it makes me emotionally feel a way I really donāt want to feel, calls to light parts of myself I should be suppressing, or leads me to act on impulses that cause me harm. And those could all be part of the same flicker. They have been in the past, in fact. Like, my current flicker is helping me process some feelings Iāve had my whole life on the denial of personhood I experienced as an autistic child. Itās also causing me a lot of distress when I interact with the source and my brain pulls its maneuvers and flips the image makes me feel like I can remember the pain of what the character is experiencing. Plot points in a video game become far too personal.
Post-writing note: I saved this one for last because I kind of... had a breakthrough when writing it. Youād think it would be one of the more serious ones, right? Anyway, click keep reading to see my brain make its funky little connections in real time.
If you could choose to be any entity, what would you be?
Shapeshifter. 100%. I love what I am, and the only thing I could imagine being that would reflect what I am perfectly is a shapeshifter. Not a shapeshifter who can turn into anything they want; specifically a shapeshifter with fixed forms, those forms being human plus my theriotypes. Thatās honestly what I feel like sometimes. Iām a shapeshifter with five animal forms, each one equally them, locked into one form (human) by virtue of birth. The only reason Iām any more a human than I am a badger, opossum, raven or osprey is because I look like one. If I could change forms, Iād be all five indiscriminately, 20% of me for each ātype.
Ā Have you ever done anything weird while in a shift? What was it?
Almost definitely. I can vaguely remember being āthat kid who hissed and growled at people when they were madā in elementary school, before I learned thatās not normal.
Ā If you could physically become your identity irreversibly, would you?
Well, if you say my identity is any one of my four theriotypes, then no. But if weāre going off the āI feel like a shapeshifter who canāt shapeshiftā identity,Ā then yes. Iām so glad I did this exercise- it really did give me an opportunity to write out and develop this feeling and realize the best way to describe my species identity.
Ā If you could physically become your identity, what would you do?
Really just the only sequence of events that I desperately want but is impossible: fly, find a lake, dive into the water, catch a fish in my talons, carry it to the right spot and tear into it with my beak. I donāt have wings, talons or a beak so you can see why this would be difficult.
Ending note
The more and more I think about this the more I feel drawn to the termĀ āshapeshifter,ā the way Iāve always been drawn to the concept. Itās not an accurate word, because I canāt change my shape, of course. But I feel like my state of being is this... the most natural condition of my existence if it could ever come to be is shapeshifter. I just instinctively think of myself as a shapeshifter. I get species euphoria from my theriotypes, but also the idea of being a shapeshifter... portraying myself as a shapeshifter in whatever way I can gives me species euphoria. Especially a shapeshifter who specifically turns into a badger, an osprey, an opossum and a raven, andĀ only those things.
I feel like this is undeniably a polytherian-with-lots-of-theriotypes feeling, and Iād be curious to know if anyone else feels like this, or at least if Iāve done a good job describing it (cause I feel like I havenāt and youāre reading this thinking āeveryone feels like thisā). I wish there was a word to describe this. One that wasnāt polymorph (doesnāt describe what Iām trying to convey here, trust me) or āshapeshifterkinā (Iāve seen that tag. Itās 100% aesthetic). I also really wish I could put this into words correctly. But shapeshifter who canāt shift is the best I got.
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Short answer, no. Long answerā¦ still no, but in an unnecessarily complicated way.
Explanation under cut. If youāre curious, I mean.
How often do you get memories?
So, I donāt have memories in the traditional sense. With my theriotypes, which I do believe to be sort-of past lives, I haveā¦ feelings, I guess. A strong feeling of tunneling through desert soil, crawling behind a dumpster in a dark alleyway as an opossum, hearing the wolves in the distance, soaring over a vast mammoth steppe- though that oneās not a theriotype- stuff like that. Feelings. But nothing conclusive. Just feelings that Iāve done that before, even though I physically havenāt.
As for fictotypes- I donāt call them memories, because āmemoryā implies that this is a thing that actually happened. But when I have dream shifts, itās typically something that could feasibly happen to the character, in the source, and I wake up feeling likeā¦ this happened to whatever version of the character I am. It just didnāt happen to me, because these arenāt past lives.
Are these spiritual, psychological, or something else in origin?
Itās hard to say for sure, but I know it does. The easiest thing to see is how itās led me to consider ideas that I closed my mind to before. Like past lives for example. Or parts of myself that I would have suppressed, even if they had nothing to do with my alterhumanity. I can also safely say that the therian community is the really the first place I ever felt safe and at home. The first place I felt fully welcomed, uplifted not despite but because of who I was.
Much more under the cut!
Is this identity an overall positive or negative experience?
I want to say neither. Itās just me. How could that be positive or negative? But sometimes your life is improved just by being who you are.
Ā Do you experience species dysphoria related to this identity?
A little. I experience what I like to call flight dysphoria. It causes me distress, sometimes on a daily basis, that I cannot fly and I never will. Other than that, and a few weird little things like āit feels weird to have blunt teeth right now,ā I would say I experience less than most people.
Ā Do you experience species euphoria related to this identity?
Yes. Itās instant serotonin when someone calls me a bird. Also, not exactly species identity, but when someone compares me to one of my fictotypes, thatās an amazing feeling.
Ā What makes you feel connected to this identity?
I donāt tend to go seeking out experiencesā¦ sometimes I feel more connected to myself just by being myself. But thatās not to say I wouldnāt kill to go parasailing, or that I donāt feel more osprey-like when Iām by a large body of water.
Ā What makes you feel less connected to this identity?
All of my daily human responsibilities. I have to respond to emails and write up applications when all I really want to be doing is soaring over the coast looking for the perfect fish. You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize that out of all my theriotypes, osprey is the one Iād most like to live the life of.
Ā Does this identity affect your gender?
I mentioned this before in the tags of some post but, my therianthropy does not affect my gender, at least not as much as my fictionkinity. One of my fictotypes is commonly portrayed as a gender non-conforming man, fluid, or nonbinary, and seeing him that way has helped me come to terms with that identity in myself. Maybe āaffectā is the wrong word; I donāt think it was because of the fictotype that I identify this way. Itās more like having the fictotype helped me accept myself.
Ā Does this identity affect your sexuality?
Not really. I donāt really have much of a sexuality to speak of to begin with.
A lot, Iād say, though I donāt exactly have anything to compare my experiences to since people donāt tend to talk about cameo shifts.
What do you shift to?
Mostly cat. I cameo shift to cat a lot. It makes sense, since cats are a kithtype and I had cats growing up and was around cats a lot even for someone who owned two. I just understand cats better than any other animal- better than humans, honestly. And itās easy to get them to understand you in return; you just have to know how they tick.
A bit more under the cut.
Are they phantom, mental, dream, sensory or other shifts?
Phantom and mental usually. I did have a few cat dream shifts when I was a kid but I havenāt had any in years, and sensory shifts would be impossible to notice since my theriotypes have similar sensory experiences.
Ā What makes you feel your cameo shifts are just shifts as opposed to another identity?
Because Iām not a cat. Simple. I do not think of myself as a cat. Biggest indicator: I do not get species euphoria when people compare me to a cat or when I appear in online games or roleplays as a cat. It just doesnāt fit right. Iām flattered when people think Iām catlike, because like I said, I have a very important kinship with cats and I appreciate them. But itās wrong.
Ā Do you enjoy cameo shifting? Why/why not? Whatās the best and worst parts about them?
Sure. Cat m-shifts are always a fun time. Just want to chill or play. Honestly not that much different from my usual mindset. My natural state if I were to be free of societal obligations but still human.
Ā Why do you think these shifts occur? Does anything trigger them?
Yeah, as I said, raised around cats. And I do think specific things trigger them usually. Itās always so good when Iām around my cats at home and I get a cat shift, like my brain thinks itās fitting in.
Ā Do you experience voluntary or involuntary shifts? Both? What triggers them?Ā
Theyāre always involuntary. I donāt have any reason to trigger them.
