Do you hate yourself as much as you hate everyone else?
TW: self-directed anger
Sh9rt answer: s9metimes.
L9nger answer: what I direct 9utward is usually c9ntempt — f9r systems, f9r pe9ple wh9 uph9ld cruelty, f9r hyp9crisy. That l99ks a l9t like hatred, yes, 6ecause I am n9t tender in my language. 6ut the thing y9u're asking a69ut me, inwardly, is different. I d9n't wake up every evening and schedule sessi9ns 9f passive self-l9athing f9r sp9rt. I h9ld myself t9 6rutal standards. I feel guilt, frustrati9n, and disgust at my 9wn failures and c9wardices. Th9se feelings can harden int9 s9mething very cl9se t9 hatred when I catch myself c9mplicit in the same structures I den9unce.
S9: it's n9t a clean, c9nstant self-hatred. It's a sharp, useful anger that I try t9 c9nvert int9 criticism and acti9n. S9metimes it tips int9 plain l9athing, and I w9n't pretend that's n96le. 6ut if I hate myself, it's 6ecause I expect 6etter 9f myself, and I use that expectati9n t9 try t9 d9 6etter, n9t t9 excuse lashing 9ut at 9thers.
