#self;para

He could hear his heart in his ears—thump, thump, thump. Why was it so loud? He could see his chest moving up and down, the pace of it speeding up after each rise and fall. His hands were trembling “I can’t breathe...someone... please help me. I feel like I’m dying. It hurts so much..” His mind was screaming out for help as clutched his chest after the pain and fear bringing him to his knees. Xian was gasping for air on the studio floor and he couldn’t focus, or speak, pretty soon he would be unable to keep his body up. “I can't breathe—it’s as if I'm being held underwater with no way of coming up for air... she needs me..” He wasn’t close to dying but it sure felt like it. The panic attack was severe and if he continued he was soon going to pass out from over hyperventilating.

Tears rolled down her cheeks.

The night started off just as any night before. The shifting changes of season breaking through as the once cool air slowly began to warm up. Suddenly leaving the resting forms raising in heat in the night, uncomfortably pushing off fabric. Under the moon where one slept and the number of curious eyes and ears dwindle, lie lovers freedom. Free of judgement, and envy. A silent piece of heaven for just two.

It was sharp, the heavy click of metal as it slid across handles of wood. The carved openings shining under the weight of the heavy metal slab but after a few moments... what was once a blockade now opened for him wide. 'Come in' it beckoned and like a good man... he listened. The deep brown of his hues meeting sparkling blues quivering in excitement and fear.

A young French girl with long braided brown hair and a petite frame met him. Her eyes as blue as the sea with small freckles of green, he'd noted on one occasion. His touch to her arm given warmly to calm the girls nerves as he stepped in and closed the door behind him.

As he moved through the blackened hallway, her tiny footsteps briskly in pursuit to keep up with his own, he admired the craftsmanship of the stone walls around him. The occasional designed chiseled into its pieces and the use of foreign styling, but too obvious when it came to hiding the servants passageways. A turn given down one such route behind a large English tapestry as he took the winding path and followed some stairs up. Moving confidently despite the threat of losing oneself in this labyrinth.

Finally as 30 minutes seemed to fly by in tension ridden silence, he approached a room. Its entry way guarded by two heavily armored men he supposed would be drearily passing the time until shift change.

"Stay" he'd command as he took of towards the door. Those steps barely giving way to his approach despite the size of his figure as he charged down the hall. The men realizing a fast approaching figure and quickly reaching for the iron hilts of their blades. The archaic one sped up, he couldn't risk alerting the castle just yet, a quick raise of his hand and a yank earning him the head of one man. His other hand diving into the iron plated chest of the other. Trying to ignore the wet squishy feeling of the man's innards or the slowing beat of the heart in his hands. A quick turn given as he caught the bodies before they fell, looking around for the closest closet to hid them in for now.

Though his nostrils flared at the heavy scent of blood, his stomach tightening and those gums aching, Shin stayed focus. Returning to the door and as quietly as possible opening it.

A woman lie in bed, her chest slowly rising and falling, lashes gently fluttering from dreams. Her arms loosely cradling a young boy, and a large older man to the end. If t weren't for the beating in his ear or the sound of breathing, he'd assume them dead with their stiff unmoving frames. How comfortable in their spoiled naivety could they be to not sense his approach or gaze. How sweet a family... but this family this... man, wrong him.

Shin tapped the male, stirring him from his sleep as gently as he supposed his wife would. Waiting patiently for those eyes to flutter open and blink away sleep. A smile sitting on his lips as he watched the other begin to focus, see him and realize. Those features knotting in confusion and then stretching in fear and before sounds could escape, Shin took his voice box. Those fingers wiggling deeper and deeper into the man's throat as he coughed and choked, grasping Shins arms weakly but still trying something. Anything. In this man's eyes Shin could see a pleasing, one he might have allowed... but in his ear a blood curling scream began to echo. The woman scrambling to get away from him, frantically stretching her arms out for the son who was beginning to come too, and exercising the strength of her voice by screaming again.

In the distance others began to wake, that hand withdrawing from the now deceased. Loudly a bell in the distance began to rang and the sounds of clattering iron grew louder... the castle was awake and alerted to his intrusion... and now they all had to die. Because of this woman. Happily he feasted on her neck and that of her little one. After all if they were all going to die why waste such a well prepared dinner?

Like a hot knife cutting through butter, he made his way room by room. Killing nobles, aristocrats, soldiers. Littering the ground with blood, bodies and filth. Herding the little sheep out into the courtyard and letting nature take its course...

As he stood there like some painting from a deranged mind, high on bliss and with a full belly, words were spoken behind him. Words full of pain and regret.

"I trusted you..."

His little French girl looking upon the scene in fear, and with tears rolling down her cheeks.

He turned to face her, drenched in blood, with blood coating his lips and sighed. Moving towards her despite the harsh flinch and couple steps she took backwards. Catching her before she could tumble over a corpse and peering down at her trembling frame.

"You can't blame me, can you? It was your mistake.."

“This cannot be good...”

I took the train to meet with my editor today. I stood on the platform and waited for the train to come up. I watched time move slower than I thought possible. Even hearing about the earthquake this morning seemed weirder than normal... almost surreal. 

I messaged my mother, I never got a response. At least she can’t say I didn’t try and contact her. I got a call from an unknown number this morning. But the voice was yours. You didn’t say much.. a simple; ‘Hope you’re well. Love you.’ You didn’t even leave your name.. I wonder what kind of courage it took to call me out of the blue.. especially after twelve years..

Aria stared at the draft in front of her on her phone, a post she would be making for her blog. But after some thought she gave a soft sigh and smashed down the backspace button on her phone. The red head was once again waiting on the train, it was after noon this time. Maybe closer to evening, but she stood there... looking at messages that she needed to respond to but couldn’t find the will to do so. Her head phones blared, some american song she couldn’t pronounce the name of; she was never good at English. Oh well, he had tried to teach her but her mouth just didn’t go that way. She almost laughed, thinking about that. She stuck her phone in her pocket. Once she took a seat on the train she would answer them all.

A soft sigh left her plush lips and she could see from her peripheral view that there was a couple. Of course, this was nothing new. Nothing new for her at all... everywhere she went she was reminded of something she didn’t have, someone that could make her laugh the way he did. But even so, she tried not to dwell too much on it. Especially since if she did, she would want to talk about it. Probably even drink... She was pretty sure everyone was tired of hearing about it, hearing about how she felt. That was a constant feeling Aria always felt, nothing but emptiness... nothing but bothersome. Another soft sigh left her as she noticed the train coming. She could hear the muffled noise of the intercom as it announced the train to the station... and now she was stepping closer to the end of the platform. 

The loud roar of the train approached faster, but she was so entranced in her thoughts she could only keep getting closer to the edge. She was lost, lost in her train of thoughts; when suddenly she was snapped back into reality by a harsh tug to her arm and an older male yanked her headphones right out of her ear. Aria looked surprised, especially from being snapped out of her mind where it had been going 100 km per minute. He scolded her for nearly walking off the platform and right into the path of the upcoming train. It was more about had she managed to get in front of it.. that she would have delayed everyone on their way home. Aria bowed several times, apologizing and thanking the older man for her... lack of awareness. She explained herself as best as she could but she was sure he didn’t believe her... To him, she was probably some kid with a death wish.

Once the train pulled completely in though, he made sure she got on the train. Making sure to tell another stranger to keep some sort of eye on her for the next few stops, in order to avoid the impact of her mutilated remains causing a disruption for other passengers. Something, that she herself felt was a bit out of character and much harsher for the people around her. But she wouldn’t complain... Aria, thanked the man once more and moved into the train, taking a seat. She put her head phones back in to listen to something else. The people packed in on the train in a bit of a clumsy manner and Aria quickly moved for an elderly woman and allowed her the seat, something she never hesitated on doing. Her hand moved to wrap her small digits on the handle of a train in order to hold on for the fast moving ride ahead, and she could feel her phone vibrate with a notification. She reached into her pocket and nearly smiled when she saw the name, 

It had been a few months since Ivy had moved to Seoul. While she had received modeling offers from all over the world, she never imagined herself in South Korea, or even accepting one of the offers at all. The idea still seemed so crazy. Just months ago she was crying herself to sleep because she thought her life was practically over; she had difficulty eating, seeing people she used to call “friends” was not an option and even attending family events seemed like a foreign concept to her at that point. She had even given up her childhood dream of becoming a musical actress.

Wow, was she really here? She could hardly even speak Korean. At least now she could attend classes thanks to her medication. In fact, her teacher said she was doing well. Concentrating was a simple thing she took for granted when she was younger. Her life seemed to be filled with so much joy at the small things now. It was almost like she was a baby experiencing things for the first time again. 

Fresh air, the warmth of the sunlight on her skin, that feeling you get when the corners of your mouth turn up. They were things she did once but had long forgotten. Was this a dream? Most girls would be excited at the fact that they were models but Ivy was more excited that she was able to live. No, not be alive. Live. For so long she had been a prisoner of the dark part of herself. She was her own nightmare. 

Another exhausting day- Ever since Baekhyun was demoted he's been working non-stop. Putting up with the sherried of being an idol mixed with having to take his free time from idol life to following a courser around to take in rouge synths almost had Baekhyun collapsing. No amount of coffee would ever prepare him to keep this up but finally, he had a day to just catch his breath. Shaun or "Father" as he's called told him that he didn't have to stick with a courser today, that he could stay within the Institute and "rest up"

A day that was supposed to be quiet and peaceful however turned into one filled with anger and confusion. Baekhyun had to deliver much needed 'parts' for synth production. It always gave him a weird feeling when he had to pick up the scraps that would soon be his brethren synths but he pushed through that odd feeling and ended up in the Institute's Robotics Department; Where synths are made. Baekhyun tried to keep his head down- he didn't want to know how he was made. His eyes shifted however when a lone synth sat on one of the tables as a scientist implemented memories into it.

When the synth finally came too the scientist started to ask her a bunch of questions like her name, age, family. Baekhyun was hit with a sudden wave of realization; these memories he has- they aren't his. The more he listened the more his facial expression changed. His eyes narrowing as he slammed the tray of parts on the table. His hand balled into a fist. Every thought he's had, every emotion he had felt- it wasn't his. His life wasn't his. His name wasn't his. Baekhyun was filled with anger as he stormed out of the Robotics Department.