#self;;

"I've realized that the reason I even learned about consent was Aizen and the hollowification incident...."

Ant shifts awkwardly, staring at the small gravestone. He hates doing this, talking to her and seeing this cheap hunk of rock instead, but he had felt even worse trying to talk to her at home. Even though it had been fourteen years, having this conversation in his apartment was rough. Part of Ant would start convincing itself that she was there that she could hear him, and then the silence of an empty room would break through the fantasy. It was like losing her all over again, everytime.

"I'm sorry it's been awhile. Hotels don't really care about live entertainment anymore, and there's so many musicians in LA..." Ant chuckles, but it's a harsh, humorless sound. "Sorry, Ma, you don't want to hear about work. I, uh... I've been doing better, though. I swear. I'm eating, I'm taking time off again. I swear. No more hospital visits for this Funke clan."

"I'm just as surprised as you are, honestly. I kinda always expected that I would die like you did, you know? Young and tired. Just keep going until I couldn't anymore. I mean, I'm 34, which means I have, what? Eight years until I'm as old as you were? Tick tock, right?" Ant's eyes widen, an overexaggerated mimicry of fear. It would have made her laugh, he thinks. Eventually though, it fades back into his grim smile.

Ant sighs. He's nervous, even though he knows, intellectually, that she can't judge him, that most science doesn't even think she can hear him. Ant wants her approval though, still. He knows that she wanted better for him than she had for herself, and Ant wants to give her some kind of peace, where she is.

"The thing is, though... I met someone. And I know what you're thinking, okay. 'What else is new?' I get it; I'm a serial monogamist. But he's..." Ant doesn't know how to do this. For all his experience in 'dating', he's never had a relationship that meant this much before. It's only been a few months, but Cooper is already so much of his life. The real estate that man has in his heart is vast and dangerous. Ant feels like he needs to justify that, to defend Cooper against Ant's reputation.

"This is different, though, Mom, I swear. I have no idea why. I just know that I've never had someone who makes me want to be better the way Cooper does. That's his name. Obviously. Cooper Flynn. He's--" Ant giggles. "He's kinda a mess? Funke levels of mess, honestly. He fits right in to our whole spiral, which... honestly shouldn't be as endearing as it is, but here we are. He practically lives off nicotine and alcohol, and I-- I've had partners like that before, but none of them made me want to take care of them that bad. And I think I do? I think I make his life better. And making his life better makes my life better, because I actually go to sleep at night because I know I want to wake up and pack his lunch in the morning. Which is stupid, right? It's so fucking stupid, but that's what he does to me."

"Don't worry, though. I mean, I know you're going to, because that's what you do, but he... he takes care of me, too. I don't think anyone's ever been so gentle to me in my entire life. I remember once, you told me that you chose Dad because he held you like you were the most precious thing in the world when he wasn't--" Ant bites at his lip. If she can hear him, he doesn't want to remind her of that. She's supposed to be happy now, far above some shadowy figure Ant can't even remember. "That's how he touches me, Mom. Like I matter. It's not just that he wants me, or that he thinks he needs me, I think he-- I think he genuinely thinks that I'm something good, and I don't..." Ant's voice tears on the vowel and he stops, clearing his throat and blinking away the hot sting of tears in the corner of his eyes.

"I don't know that anyone's thought that since you died. And..." Ant's voice goes quiet. "And he says he's gonna marry me, Mom. Did Dad ever promise you that? I wish I had asked, before. Cooper's been saying it for awhile now, not that he's actually asked but-- I think he's waiting? Until we're both in a better place. Or maybe he just knows that I don't really believe him, yet, but... Fuck, Mom, I think I'm starting to."

"I wish you could meet him. I wish... I wish you could meet his parents and swap stupid stories about us as kids. I wish you could bug us about grandkids so we could both make uncomfortable faces over the dinner table at each other. I wish you could tell me if I'm fooling myself into thinking he's in love with me because that's what moms are supposed to fucking do--" Ant cuts himself off, jaw working.

"Sorry. Sorry. I'm not mad." Then, because that's obviously a lie, he continues. "Not at you, anyway. I'm just mad at myself, I guess, because I'm a grown ass man and I don't... I don't know what I'm fucking doing with my life." Ant frowns down at the stone. "I thought I did. Last year, I thought I knew how I was going to end up, and he ruined that, and I can't even hate him for it because it's the best thing that ever happened to me."

"I thought love was supposed to be soft and warm, you know? I guess that's why I kept chasing bullshit for years, because I don't think it feels that way at all. I feel like I've got a knife in my ribs, constantly, because even when it feels good I can't breathe. I feel like I'm going fucking insane. He's-- He's fucking everything, Mom, and I'm so fucking scared."

Continuing my FNAF Oc References c: 

First Set; 

June 21st 2017