#self security

unfortunately i seem to be hungry only for stuff im not supposed to be eating rn bc of my tongue.

do i still think it was worth getting done?

I can drop into awareness/receiving very very easily. When I do, I feel the flutter immediately. Like a thick hardcover book flapping open and closed at my heart. That palpitation. It's shared with his.

And then my mind goes somewhere else. I imagine my future without him. All the things I would do. I skip over the grief and go straight to the new possibilities. The rush to find good things for myself that I haven't had room for. The risky driver of it.

And then I bring myself back to now, and I see that the fluttering book is gone. Not calmed, just beyond awareness.

And I when I fully tune in again, it is still there, just slowed, quiet. It never fully goes away. It will never fully go away. There is no future without it. He already knows this. I already know this. I don't need to tell him I know. I don't need to think about saying anything to him at all. It beats its wings like a heavy moth, hovering.

The thumpy fluttering is both the excitement and the fear. To want something with your whole being, on a soul level, and have to imagine it deny you. He feels both of those things too.

And we need rest from it sometimes.

Me me, what do I need to know? I need to be held. How can I be held? I let the universe hold me and the pleasure is immeasurable. This is all I need. It's always there to hold me better than anything else can. I am safe and this is all I need.

I see so many boundaries I can put up for myself. Not about him. Lots of other places. There are so many things I can do to feel better. I will do them. I will not skimp or hesitate.

I can be held by the love of the universe today. And tomorrow, this weekend, next weekend, two weeks from now, and no matter what happens or doesn't happen.

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