Jun 30, 2021
Mustafa Ali: I don’t want you...to end up like me.
—
Just a good dose of regret and self-resentment 🥰
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Mustafa Ali: I don’t want you...to end up like me.
—
Just a good dose of regret and self-resentment 🥰
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I am going insane. Maybe I am still breaking myself but not the way it used to. It has yet to manifest into something physical, at least not that I know of. It is deep inside me. Waiting for me to start the process. Wide eyed and alert. Always there. The process of self-annihilation. The process of losing myself within myself. Going unhinged is a desire of mine. Female rage, but I am not angry at anyone or men in particular. Raging towards me. My worse enemy. I will be myself. And you know who is ‘myself’? Insanity. Out of bounds crazy. But no one knows that. They only see the uptight, stone cold demeanor that I choose to show them. Calculated, but you don’t know that. I am the one that demolished you, but you don’t know that. Because you hate me and you hate your love for me. I am you. Who you can be if you be if you aren’t so pathetic. I am you at your fullest potential. I am the one that will take your friends away from you. Drain you of colour and joy. Turn joyous into obsession. I will turn you inside you before I kill you; myself. I will make sure you end up in scars and shame if it is the last thing, a parting gift i do and give you. Collapse from exhaustion. Pages upon pages with leaks of desperation seeping through, screaming for help. But no one will hear you in the darkest corner of the room. My room. Our eyes will speak but the mouth will open and it will be my voice. What I choose to let them know will silence you even more.
YOU KNOW...
You know, there are so many tall beautiful girls out there. I've always been one of those that cry over how much I hate my body, wondering why I can't be tall, skinny, and gorgeous like models that I see in magazines. Why am I only 5'4" and not 5'9". Why can’t I be like them!? Why am I not musically talented, why can't I sing? Why am I not rich? my head is fill with why why why why why?!
Everyday, I would look in the mirror and starts pointing out my flaws, thinking I'm not beautiful because I have uneven eyelids, I look fat, my ears are too big, hating myself for not having the perfect body....But then I starts to think, why am I doing this? what will it gets me in the end? There are people out there in the world that are dying everyday, looking for a place to sleep, something to eat, people who have nothing! I am blessed and surrounded with family and friends who loves me, a roof above my head, shoes to walk in, meals everyday, clothes to wear, so why am I standing here complaining about the imperfections, wanting things I don't have or can't afford, and trying to be who I'm not!
I've come to realize that I am a whole lot more fortunate than a lot of people. I've come to love myself, be comfortable with my body, with who I am, and start thanking God for what I do have instead of complaining for what I don't have. God is great, God is Merciful, He provides me with so many opportunities to be who I want to be, I am going to grab it and be glad. God works in his own ways, I can either chose to look at the negative side and mope around or I can chose to look at the positive side, make my life better and appreciate the things around me. Everything happens for a reason, God made me this way and I have a purpose to be here. Just look at cancer patients who don't have much time to live, they would do anything to have a life, to be able to live! There are some who have such big hearts and wants to accomplish so many things for the human race but simply cannot, I shouldn't take my life for granted. God has a great plan ahead for me and I will welcome it with open arms. The self resentment stops now and let nothing but love shines through, not just to me but towards everyone else as well.