hey!!!!! my name's aaru, and i'm a chronically online 16 year old chalkfilled with playlists that are 30 hours long and niche references. i play around 6 instruments, and i love to read, listen to music, and watch shows/movies!!! i go by she/her, and i'm bisexual (for now.............)!!!!!! when it comes to fandoms the list is kiiiinda never ending LOL animes: jujutsu kaisen, attack on titan, chainsaw man (manga included), kimi ni todoke, ao haru ride, the ramparts of ice, cyberpunk edgerunners, alien stage (is it an anime? idk), banana fish, haikyuu, blue lock, ouran high school host club, the summer hikaru died, kamisama kiss, and many more!! shows&movies: the amazing digital circus, avatar: the last airbender, xo kitty (sigh.....), big bang theory, brooklynn nine-nine, gilmore girls, weak hero class, twinkling watermelon, when i fly towards you, the first frost, alice in borderland, stranger things (help), outer banks, heartstopper, dead poet's society, perks of being a wallflower, how to lose a guy in 10 days, (other romcoms), and SOOO MUCH MOREEEEEEEE books: percy jackson and the olympians, lord of the rings, a thousand splendid suns, turtles all the way down, crime and punishment, and others! hey!!!!! my name's aaru, and i'm a chronically online 16 year old chalkfilled with playlists that are 30 hours long and niche references. i play around 6 instruments, and i love to read, listen to music, and watch shows/movies!!! i go by she/her, and i'm bisexual (for now.............) when it comes to fandoms the list is kiiiinda never ending LOL animes: jujutsu kaisen, attack on titan, chainsaw man (manga included), kimi ni todoke, ao haru ride, the ramparts of ice, cyberpunk edgerunners, alien stage (is it an anime? idk), banana fish, haikyuu, blue lock, ouran high school host club, the summer hikaru died, kamisama kiss, and many more!! shows&movies: the amazing digital circus, avatar: the last airbender, xo kitty (sigh.....), big bang theory, brooklynn nine-nine, gilmore girls, weak hero class, twinkling watermelon, when i fly towards you, the first frost, alice in borderland, stranger things (help), outer banks, heartstopper, dead poet's society, perks of being a wallflower, how to lose a guy in 10 days, (other romcoms), and SOOO MUCH MOREEEEEEEE books: percy jackson and the olympians, lord of the rings, a thousand splendid suns, turtles all the way down, crime and punishment, and others! music: this one's a bit hard tbh... but frank ocean, olivia rodrigo, alice in chains, my chemical romance, pink floyd, cortis, enhypen, txt, joji, wave to earth, and many more :))

so... yeah!!! that's me in a nutshell. honestly, this list is so long, i can't even remember it unless i get an edit on my fyp and go "OH MY GOD I FORGOT ABOUT THIS FANDOM" and yeah, i'm sucked back in. also OH MY GODDDDDDDDD i have a huge fatass crush on walker scobell been obsessed with him since the adam project i just HAD to mention that hehehehehehehhe

Alright, so there are times when I have conversations with myself.

Yes, I do it aloud.

Yes, I respond back aloud.

Don’t judge me.

So, the conversation I was having with myself was about why I felt I was having a hard time holding conversations with my coworkers since I’ve started to become more social. See, in my mind, I’m processing what I can and cannot say to them, trying not to be too open and at the same time not trying to keep them in the shadows, not making it too difficult to understand what it is that I’m trying to say. In other words, I want to make sense to them without revealing all crazy inside of me. 

For instance, I was talking to a coworker about a conversation I had with our boss a few days prior. The boss and I talked about our childhoods and I was telling her that I had a conversation with a friend about some stuff that happened in my childhood and since then I feel like a door has been opened up and refuses to be closed. I can’t quite recall the exact conversation I was having with my coworker, but during the conversation, I found myself struggling to say the things I meant to say without exposing so much of myself.

And that’s my problem in general with speaking. When it comes to certain topics or something shifts in the conversation where parts of me may need to be revealed, my brain goes into overdrive to not show all of the cracks that make up my broken insides. It makes sure that while I’m trying to make my point, I’m also not saying too much that I would most likely regret ever saying. 

I want it to be evident that I’m not as put together as some people would think, but I don’t want it to be known exactly how broken I am and feel. And you’re probably saying “so what if someone assumes your life was wonderful? the only thing that matters is how you see yourself and that you know who you really are” and I agree, but that’s just not how I work.

Some people I know and associate myself with sometimes wonder why I think the way I do and why I feel the way I feel towards myself, and it’s because of things I was conditioned and exposed to as a child. 

I don’t seem fond of myself because I blame myself for many things that happened in the past that I could have prevented, but didn’t. I know that I can’t change the past and that I shouldn’t beat myself up for whatever it was that happened, but it’s something that I can’t help. I can’t help being very critical of myself, and can’t help wondering if what I’m saying is being understood by the other person. I can’t help wondering if I really know someone. I can’t help worrying about my future. I just can’t help these things that people say I shouldn’t think or worry about. And you’re probably saying “if you just take the time and fix them you’ll be fine” and you’re probably right, but I don’t always have time to fix these things, and you’re probably saying “well, make time silly” and all I can say to that is okay.

I may never be able to really express what it is that is going through my mind. I may never be able to share all the thoughts that run through there. I’m not saying that that is my goal. All I want is for whatever I’m saying to people at that very moment to be sensible and understandable because I’m saying it in a sensible and understandable way. If they can’t understand what I’m saying because they don’t want to understand, then that is a different story. I don’t expect everyone to want to understand, but I want to feel like I’m being understandable if they do decide that they want to understand me.

And you’re probably saying “that seems like a waste of energy and time” and you’re probably right, but there are just things that I do that make me feel better about myself as an individual. 

I’ll admit, I’m not really putting much time and effort into changing certain things that might be toxic, though I’m still trying to figure out what is and what isn’t good for me to do when it comes to myself, but I have been working on speaking to myself in a less negative manner.