#self helping

Physically, emotionally, mentally. 

Not all at the same time but at times I do wonder why; why am I closed off from people? Why do I fear getting close? Why do I act defensive when someone is being a decent person even if they’re a stranger? Why can’t I flirt, realise when I am being too closed off? 

There’s a lot of questions I ask myself, unfortunately too many times in a week. 

Growing up I was shy, I didn’t like meeting new people, talking on the phone even- I was afraid of so much. Thankfully I grew out of that, I still hate talking on the phone but there’s things you can’t avoid. Now I talk a lot, I’m sociable with adults and can make conversations except with guys. It sounds pathetic, I’m not an expert on what to say or how to say it with ease. Due to my lack of exposure as I term it it’s resulted in me to be defensive, get easily flustered and shut down inside. It sucks. 

Sure, everyone needs time to themselves- it’s 100% normal to want time alone, except the more I think about it of late the worse I feel about it. I spend time with my family, my friends but it’s different. For example, I was sat watching a film and thought it’d be cool to watch it with someone, then I also thought how would that plan out? I over think unlikely situations in my mind and it does nothing for me. 

As a person though I am less shy I still can’t address a group of people (presentations etc) and I do have body confidence issues (I might address this another time, who knows) but as a result of this I just don’t feel like I’m worth talking to. Hence being more closed off and nervous, apprehensive to talk to guys. 

I keep saying ‘this will be my year, I’ll do something about it’ but I still fear what is to come. In sixth form there’s no one new, everyone has known me for seven years, seven years of growing up, going through puberty and seeing who I have become without really knowing me- they only know my exterior. 

Day 145

I woke up around five this morning, for no good reason.

I couldn't sleep.

Instead I spent the next forty minutes watching the sun rise through my bedroom window.

I told myself I would make it.  That this will work. That everything will be just. fine.

I will survive this. I will make it out alive. Or I'll take the world down with me.

Whichever.

I leave for JobCorps tomorrow morning. Weather or not I will have access to tumblr, this diary, I think for the sake of my sanity I'll leave now and never look back.

There is no wisdom, no glory to be found here.

This botched experiment has not brought me any joy or peace of mind. I will not leave anymore enlightened by my experience.

I hope I make it back long enough to say 'Hey, I made it', that I'm Okay.

There's that ugly word again; Hope

She makes me sick, but I can't get rid of her no matter how many times I scrub and scald myself.

A nasty little germ.

But alas...

My mother bought a steak last night. It's sitting in the fridge, wrapped up nicely, top shelf.

That might not sound like anything special, and it isn't, but I don't remember her ever, in all my life, buying one before.

I like to think she's celebrating my leaving. All on her own, thankful to be rid of me.

I don't blame her. I'm in the mood for six.

I leave today to spend the night with my brother, some vain attempt at kinship.

No matter. I'm content in pretending either of us mean a damn thing to the other, just for the day.

So, actually, I have no days left to count. Only hours.

Tomorrow the real adventure begins.

Come'on world, give me your best shot. I'm ready.

1 Days Remaining  3 Hours Remaining 

See ya around.

xxo-

Day 143

Don't talk to me about hope.

Don't talk to me about looking for the good in people, in things.

Don't talk to me about crossing my fingers and making wishes on burning wicks.

Don't talk to me about counting my blessings.

And don't you ever talk to me about 'what I've got', to be content with the shitty hands I've been dealt.

If I always expect the worst in people, in life, than how can I ever be disappointed or heart broken?

Fuck you and your optimism.

What the hell has hope ever done for me

I'm ready.

I am so fucking ready.

Day 141

I have zero hopes that I will pass my academic classes.

I have every reassurance that I will fail whatever I set myself up to do.

If this school doesn't work out, if I'm just too damn stupid to get it together, I'm done.

If there isn't a diploma in my hand I'll trade up for a loaded gun.