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distraction.
I keep trying to keep myself busy so I can ignore the fact that my life feels like a giant mess right now.
In doing so, I feel like I keep perpetuating the mess.
I know who I want to be. The person I've resorted to in the last couple months is somebody that I thought I left behind years ago for something more positive....
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I need to stop doing this to myself.
Today I am feeling weak and self destructive. I am not used to feeling like this and I hate it, I don't know what to do and I just wanna drink. I need you to hold me and I know that you can't. You have this thing you were talking about the other day and you said that there was a possibility that you could be out in September. I don't know if it is real because you have said so many things could get you out and they all fell through, if this falls through then I don't know what I am gonna do. I feel like cutting, I am too scared to. It'd make me weak and then mom would see it at the beach or whatever. I don't know I am gonna stop for now. I am gonna go take a bath and read. Burn an incense, maybe I will drown or burn my ankle or something.... I don't know. I need human contact, but every one around me just makes me angry. I don't know who to run to. Mom and dad wouldn't understand. I just hope I can stay strong for you. It's all for you after all.
All that I am is for you.
