the things that stay forever.

this sunday will mark 12 weeks since I arrived in Portland. 

I remember knowing before I left that I was going to be challenged, overstimulated and a lot of learning to do.

here’s what I feel like I have figured out:

-learn adaptation. 

-leave room in your mind for the idea that things may not necessarily work out the way you planned. this is where adaptation is key.

-the only person responsible for you, is you. 

-it’s okay to feel sad, frustrated, confused, lost, lonely and heartbroken. it’s okay to not know where you’re going. it’s okay to move slow. it’s okay to have days that aren’t productive. 

-LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. 

-let your anxiety fuel the push to challenge yourself. your body/mind tell you that you’re scared? okay, why? what are you scared of? 

-in the big context, what you look like/dress like is irrelevant. it doesn’t fucking matter. 

-remember the big picture in context of relationships. is what’s happening today conducive to the type of relationship you want to have with this person in the future? are you being honest with yourself about the ways that the relationship actually exists?

-thank the people that support, love and help you. tell them that you appreciate the ways that they show up for you. 

-focus on the values that frame your motivation for living. simplify. I know I want to be kind, healthy,  independent, empathetic, focused and evolving. pursue the things that promote those parts.

-stay patient and faithful. there are a lot of parts of life that you will not be able to control, and you must make peace with suspending faith in that everything will work out. 

-STOP WORRYING ABOUT EVERYTHING.channel that feeling into something productive, meaningful or conducive to your goals. 

-toxic energy is a real fucking thing and it is imperative to minimize situations that place you in negative space. you don’t want to go somewhere? listen to why.

-other people need things too. and they can’t read your mind to know what you need. it’s okay to ask others what they need and show up for them. it’s okay not to be able to anticipate what everyone thinks/needs/wants or what they are motivated by. just stay in your lane.

-it’s okay to be naive. how could you possibly be prepared for situations that you have never been in before? on the same token, it’s okay for other people to be naive too. make room for their growth and be gentle in their process. 

it’s been a serious length of time since I’ve sat down & faced myself with recorded words on my existence. 

today we exist as two people who have incredible love & respect for one another. And people tell me all the time that they don’t know how we do it, “how do we manage to stay friends?” “doesn’t it hurt?” 

I carry the hurt in a different way, these days. In a way, I think will be conducive to something productive, at some point, but that’s definitely yet to be seen at current. 

The remnants of our relationship show themselves in my adamance that I will never let give myself entirely to a man without consideration, which ultimately means everything gets overanalyzed and of course never pursued because that’s really the only way to avoid disappointment, vulnerability, and a repeat of the hardest parts. 

I find myself at odds with my identity all the time. How do you reconnect with yourself once every part of your being is anchored to another human? I feel myself floating out there in space all the time, coping pretty steadily, but certainly not thriving. 

I was laid off this week.

You were great for emotional support, per usual. :\

tomorrow I have an interview and I just started reflecting on the last time that I was going to interview for a job I really wanted. We were fighting about something and I remember coming home from the interview and things being really tense. I think I had already determined at this point that I was going to be the sole proprietor of my emotional well being because you were never available so I was mostly unphased when you didn’t even ask me how it went.

months down the road, after this job had started we got around to having a conversation about the event and you relayed to me that you were angry with me for having applied as it ruined your plan to move. 

I don’t want to go to a dramatic place about how you were never supportive of me, or how you lacked insight into what this experience meant for me. You haven’t texted me this week to ask me if I’m doing okay. Forever left out in the cold. 

tomorrow I will have my interview and I will take pride in who I am and what I do, and I will forgo the opportunity to share this with you because you will undoubtedly taint it with your lack of enthusiasm and support. 

these are the moments when I feel the anger welling up inside of me about you and about us. how easy it feels to me that you could show up for me but you don’t want to do the work. I have to let these emotions fuel me rather than weigh me down but it often feels as though allocating them appropriately is an enormous challenge.

And this is where I get lost.

So you texted me this week. I haven’t heard from you in a couple weeks and then you randomly text me and sound like we are old acquaintances and not two people that were (are?) in love. 

i am instantly back to grasping for things.

you finally expressed to me that you feel stagnant, stuck, unsure. i have waited so long to hear you say these things, to know that you understand you are capable of a million things more than what you are currently doing.

so do i spend my days waiting for the next part? when you finally make a move and decide that youve stood still for long enough. 

or do i just accept that our lives are not intertwined on a daily basis.

I want you to know that i’m forever your biggest fan and that anything we’ve been through is not for a lack of love. 

I don’t know what you need from me at this point, and i’m fairly certain you dont know either. i can’t get out of my own head but I want to. 

I still believe that a life for us together exists but I’m not sure we’ll ever get there.

we’ve come to an entirely new place now. communication has stopped and some days I swear it’s killing me. like if i sit in a place too long, when I stand, it’s like my soul has seeped out of me from all this hurt.

even now, I hold on to the romantic notion that maybe someday we’ll be better suited for one another, or our relationship could be more successful, I’ll be less in my head and on and on....

but to what end? what’s preventing me from just accepting you as you are and me as I am? Why can’t I just take our years and let it be?

you exist in an entirely different way to me than anyone else I have ever known. you’re the sole inhabitant of a universe of mine. 

today, I feel like I just really wish I could get out of my own head. So that I could just bypass all of these feelings that tell me our relationship doesn’t work, and get back to the place that I fell into when I met you. 

I WANT THAT FUCKING FEELING BACK.

It was so fleeting, but it was the best feeling and I felt alive and connected to you. and it was like all of these parts of my life were so new and exciting and beautiful.

and now i’m just fucking jaded. now i just have anger. 

WHY CANT YOU JUST PULL YOUR LIFE TOGETHER. because it’s not your lack of character, it’s your lack of motivation. 

How do I tell you that I love you, I love you so fucking much. Your heart is beautiful and pure, and I don’t even know that I deserve any of it. But this is my life and I need you to want your life and my life and I don’t think you have a goddamn clue in the world what you want.

I may have done tangible hurting things. I am acknowledging them. I.am.sorry.

but the hurt that you cause continuously by refusing to let anyone close to you, the hurt that you cause continuously by staying stagnant because you are scared....its a million times worse than what I’ve done. 

today I submitted my application to grad school.

when I talked to you the other day you asked if I'd be going out of state, if the program was competitive, ect...like we had never talked about any of this....

you continuously prove to me that I made the right decision, and it continuously breaks me down. youu are the reality that I need to make peace with.

today you told me tomorrow will be 10 years at your job. 

10 whole years of complacency. 10 years of letting your potential weigh you down instead of lift you up. and 10 years that you gave yourself to something that isn't giving you anything back.

I hope one day soon I can let go of the expectations i have for you. I hope I stop hoping for you. stop dreaming your dreams, wishing your wishes and wanting your future. you don't even want it yourself.

you told me tonight that tomorrow will mark 10 years of your bullshit behavior and I didn't even know how to reply. and in true fashion, I said something surface that didn't mean anything. we didn't broach the subject hardly, we didn't talk about what this means or how it makes you feel or how it makes me feel. 

sometimes, i'm just amazed at this whole goddamn thing. how could i have fallen so deeply in love with a man that aspires to be the same for 10 years. how could i have put you up on the grandest pedestal and let my life revolve in your gravitational pull?

somehow, I love you. and I will always love you. 

but you never gave yourself to me.

how come I can't seem to get a grasp on time?

Who was i three years ago and where did that person go in three years time? why do i feel like i can't grasp any part of who i am except for right now in this day?

I want to feel faith that the person i was three years ago when I met you still exists in me today. and that if we met tomorrow you would love me the same.

i've always wanted a relationships with passive, sensitive men.

I keep trying to keep myself busy so I can ignore the fact that my life feels like a giant mess right now.

In doing so, I feel like I keep perpetuating the mess.