Love and attachment
Because I'm bored and because I haven't geeked out in a bit. This topic is from what I learned from Siegel at UCLA and his work in trying to connect research having to do with biology and behavior. A lot of the time, and surprisingly AND unfortunately, social interactions are treated with little regard compared to biological processes, despite the fact that there is connections between social interactions and physical health ( a lot of research, including my personal favorites MINUCHIN's work). Given this little fact in psychology, Siegel's work is groundbreaking.
Mixed messages and attachment
There is a lot to his theory but my personal favorite is so simple, yet very powerful and that is how interactions with mixed messages fuck you up. He gives the example of the child watching television, and seeing something funny then turning and looking at her depressed mother for emotional validation of what he had just watch. The mother, always sad, continues with such sad expression, making the kid question whether he responded to the cartoons appropriately.
Think of how powerful this scene is and the implication it has on the child IF he or she continues to interact this way. They may grow insecure of themselves and how to act on the world. Having recieved no validation from the mother, the child is now constantly anxious about his behaviors and whether he or she is reacting to a circumstance in a positive manner. The child then grows up having to what Siegel and research terms "anxious avoidant" attachment.
Love and attachment
When i first read this it blew my mind. Because it was so relevant to many other things, like relationships. If you are in a realtionship with these interaction patterns, you can imagine constantly being in an anxious state creating jealousy and mistrust!
On the other end of the spectrum lies those individuals whose family members might be enmeshed. These particular people have a special place in my heart, because they experience interaction patterns that don't allow for autonomy or individuality. Back to an example of behavior interaction patters, in these people you often see the helicopter mom constantly on the lookout for the kid. The parents often pour their water or milk, even though the child wants to specifically give it a try. This gives the child the message that he cannot pour his own drink and MUST rely on MOTHER. Can you imagine this child growing up and being a lover to someone? how he would constantly feel like he could do nothing without the other person? these individuals often don't have individuality or identiy and shape the identity to the mold of the other person.
How attachment patterns change
But all is not lost, however. If someone who is anxious avoidant or a dependent attachment person gets with someone who is in a secure attachment (mother validated feelings and allowed him interactions where he could express his indivuality), you find that their attachment patterns shift in a span of three years, attesting to the fact that this can be learned.
Tl;dr: The way we attach to people are completely dependent on your parents so blame them when your relationships are going south. Lol!
