#secondwedding

Can Widows Have a Big Wedding?

Well, basically, she can have any kind of wedding she wants.  She has been to hell and back.  It was not easy to bury her husband.  And after all the support and love waned, the loneliness was bound to seep in.  It’s like a slow flood.  Being alone and sad and crying sucks.  She can really drown in that flood. But somehow she managed to find love again and if marriage is the way to celebrate that…

My Maid of Honor Speech

Margaret and James, May 5, 2018

(To audience)

Good morning. It's wonderful to have you all here celebrating.

We’re especially thankful to those who journeyed from out of state to be here including: Jim’s friends, D in from Aspen, J in from Dallas, K and J in from California; my mom's god-daughter, my cousin A who is taking time off from her travels; my mom’s godson, my cousin H who is in from Colorado; and my mom’s brother, my Uncle P in from Atlanta.

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Mary Kate, and I have been Margaret’s daughter for my entire life.

It’s difficult to put into words how much this woman means to me and how happy I am that she is now lucky in love twice, but I am going to try anyway.*

(To Mom)

Mom, I will never know or comprehend how many lives you have touched through your work as a social worker, or even as a friend and neighbor.

But, I have been a witness of your steadfast belief and actions demonstrating that charity begins at home, through your service providing respite and care for your own parents and of course through your dedication to us children.

You see, from the beginning, our dad used to say that you were raising rich kids on a poor man’s salary. Boy, was he right. You sacrificed and stretched yourself financially to make sure that we always had the best programming, toys, and experiences.

Of course, we don’t have memories of a trampoline in our backyard because it was too dangerous, and Grace will never remember seeing the Broadway performance of the Lion King because she slept through it. But otherwise, we have a well-documented childhood and a crawl space full of toys as evidence.

Even more important than your monetary investments was your time. As a scout leader for all three of us, you made sure that we developed rock-solid values, a repertoire of knots, our own unique leadership styles, and survival skills not just for the outdoors but for whatever environment or challenges we would face.

And were we tested. But, you navigated us through our dad’s sickness and death with humility in the ways of the of the universe and with some humor to lighten our hearts. As we grieved together, you continued to provide for us, while replacing almost every single appliance in our house that first year and also while taking care of business in your own fight against cancer.

But even in the face of loss and life’s adversities, your faith in God has given you the strength not only to go on, but to love life without bitterness and instill in us a gratitude for every day that we have together.*

It would have been easy to get caught up in the struggle to balance our family’s time, but you made sure that we continued having a relationship with the McLaughlins too. We are so grateful you prioritized this because we McLaughlins are a pretty fun group.

Through this and many other examples, you’ve shown us that as an adult our best friends become more like family, and our family becomes more like best friends. Even for someone as meticulous and categorical as me, this blurring of lines is truly beautiful.

There’s a quote from Lincoln I always come back to because I believe it to be the simplest distillation of the truth. Lincoln said, “All that I am or hope to be, I owe to my mother.”*

Thank you for the honor of being your daughter and friend, and now for the honor of being your bridesmaid.

(To Jim)

Now, Jim. When my mom first started riding bikes with you, she was like a teenage girl who didn’t quite know how to balance her time with friends and a boyfriend. I thought I was flying in from India for two weeks of dedicated family time. Happy as I was that my mom met you, I was not prepared to share her. And I definitely wasn’t thrilled to learn that during your courtship, my accident prone mother had been riding on the back of a motorcycle.

But then I got to know you. And, as you yourself might have discovered over the years, you are a very likable guy. I could also see you bringing out a youthfullness and excitement for life in our mom. I would have had to put on a really good act if I was going to pretend that having you around wasn’t good for her and in turn for our family.

Luckily I am not that great an actress and it was easy enough to get to know you. Out of necessity, we co-founded a moving company. And over the last two years, we have done decades worth of tree trimming. We have taken on too many DIY projects to count. And you don't get mad when my role starts and also ends with me picking out the tile. You are a team player for all family festivities making sure everything goes smoothly for gatherings big or small.  

On most Fridays you play golf weather permitting or not. And while you love the sport, it is obvious that you show up in the cold and rain because you value the time with your friends like family.

Jim, you show your love through shared time and assistance in all our endeavors. Thank you for being a friend to us first.

(To audience)

Today, our mom and Jim have become partners in every sense of the word. Jim also knows grief and loss too well, but that’s not why they make a great couple. Yes, they may share an acute awareness for the brevity of life, but it is what they do with this that makes them compatible. First, their shared gratitude for each day makes them kinder and more compassionate people. And second, they live like kids. They still ride bicycles together. They eat well and sometimes drink better. And they aren’t afraid to travel somewhere new or try something different. They support each other through everything.

Not only do they live like kids, but they also live with us kids. Our mom and Jim have had the privilege to be roomies with all three of us adult children, and K, and even S for a while. While my mom is a pretty good roommate, Jim is a great roommate. He has coffee and breakfast ready for everyone in the morning; he lets you borrow his car; and he puts up with Grace and I lecturing about veganism, or how not all calories are the same, or about whichever documentary or podcast we’ve consumed most recently. He tolerates all of us girls “temporarily storing” things in the middle of the walkway.

Above all, Jim has provided security and companionship for our mom, and we kids are able to venture out (and back home too) because of him.

(To Jim)

Jim, we had settled into our new normal and really weren’t expecting you. But the great thing about having a loose definition of family is that there is always room for one more. Maybe I should, but I don’t feel too old to gain a step-dad in this marriage. We will share a dance at my wedding and you will be Grandpa to my children. Of course, you weren’t my first choice for these, but you make hell of an option B for our family. I hope we are the same for you. So, just in case you haven't already felt a part of the gang supporting us through countless moves, trips to the airport, vacations, and the planning of three weddings, welcome to the family.

(To Mom and Jim)

I am so excited for this next chapter you will share together. I wish you travel and adventure, good health and prosperity, many grandchildren, and a long and happy life together.

In closing, “Love is not a matter of counting the years, it is making the years count.”*

References

Austin Kleon reminds us that great artists show their work and share their sources. Thank you to:

My maternal Great Uncle Joe for, “lucky in love twice.” He used this phrase during an informal speech delivered to the family at his final birthday celebration in 2016.

Abraham Lincoln for, “All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.”

Stephen Colbert for, "But her love for her family and her faith in God, somehow gave her the strength not only to go on but to love life without bitterness. And to instill in all of us a gratitude for every day we have together." This was spoken on The Colbert Report, in a live, on-air tribute to his mother in June 2013.