#secondbornavaricious

@secondbornavaricious asked: ❛ what is worse than death? ❜ (Hello pain immediately after following? Yes and Yes.)

everything everywhere all at once prompts | meme

SILENCE is her strong suit, long since used to containing her thoughts and emotions – for what good is her opinion to others? She is A GUARD, a loyal retainer, and nothing more.

But his question is surprising, out-of-the blue enough as it is, Lan Fan is even more taken aback that it's directed at her. What did the AVARICIOUS care about her thoughts on the matter?

Still, it floats around in her mind, several answers immediately swimming to the surface. Death was easy. Whether slow and painful, or quick and painless, dying was an escape, an EASY OUT.

With all the things she had been through since first arriving in Amestris, from the first confrontation with Ed and Al, to the loss and replacement of her arm, and finally the events of the last battle – each one entirely worse than the last.

THE PROMISED DAY.

Her jaw tightens, shielded by the smooth, painted bamboo of her mask, irritated by the multiple times she fell short despite the lifetime of training she underwent and the confidence in her skills because of it. Doubt was a killer in and of itself, followed closely by REGRET. There were many she could have protected, lives she could have saved by simply being there in the right place, at the right time.

Even so, she was still just human – ORDINARY in her own right, a soldier with no alchemical tricks or the superhuman abilities to regrow limbs and revive oneself through the tragic power of a Philosopher's Stone. She was powerless in the face of gods and beings that transcended the laws of nature, unable to do much more than slowly hack away at their life force with blades and explosives and hopefully survive long enough to witness their demise.

Lan Fan had put her life on the line for the prince and for several others, like any DECENT SOLDIER would, like her grandfather had. The death of her only remaining family had perhaps been the most DEVASTATING blow, the loss of her left arm and the pain that accompanied it paled in comparison. Sure, at the end of it all, they did bring home a Philosopher's Stone, they did uphold their promise to save their country.

BUT AT WHAT COST?

...Long hair wasn't usually his style, but. It looked well taken care of, it looked soft. If only he was at work.

Roy's expression softened at the unexpected request. He hadn't thought of Greed as the type to ask him to stay, but something must have been weighing on his mind. And whatever it was that had Greed wanting not to be alone, Roy was willing to spend the night if that's what he needed.

Ling was right -- she was incredibly tired both from the anxieties and sleeplessness of the night before, but she wasn't going to let something like that affect her ability to do her duty. She stuck to his side all day, in and out of meetings, filling out paperwork, and other official business. His day was jam-packed and, honestly, she felt guilty for keeping him awake so late.

Still, it seemed there was no time to talk to Greed, let alone enough of a gap for the young Emperor to invite him to dinner. It would be rude not to let him know ahead of time, and knowing things would likely be resolved by the end of the evening, the guard volunteered to seek out the Sin and invite him herself.

She promises Ling she won't be gone long, giving him time to eat something in his office as she retreats through the window and climbs onto the roof. Lan Fan reaches out with the Dragon's Pulse, pin-pointing his location quickly and sets off. He isn't far, so finding him isn't difficult as she leaps between rooftops, eventually skidding to a rather silent stop next to him.

If she had the time, she may have sat with him for a bit, but she doesn't even remove her mask, bending over with hands on her knees to meet him at eye level. "Greed!"

A pause, mostly to give him time to react should she startle him. "I'm sorry I can't stay long, but the young Emperor and I wanted to invite you to the imperial family dining hall for dinner tonight. He extends his apologies for not talking to you directly. His schedule is a little full."

Today wasn't different from any other -- it had never been special and they had never celebrated. It's not like she knew or even REMEMBERED her biological father, so why would she need to honor him?

But her perspective had shifted since returning to Xing three years ago. The vassal had too many regrets to name them all, though one weighed on her heaviest. She wasn't there when he died, when he took his final breath. Wasn't there to hold his hand or soothe him so that he didn't die alone. Wasn't there to promise him she would uphold their vow and see it through to the end.

She had been too late.

Lan Fan was grateful that, at the very least, the young prince understood her feelings on the matter and was generous enough to give her two days of freedom each year. Often times, she still returned to her duty the same day, unable to idle around for long without drowning in her sorrows. So she spent a few hours on his birthday and on Father's day to pay her respects, to talk to him and apologize for her mistakes. She would tell him of their progress and everything they were able to accomplish, thank him for his honorable sacrifice so he knew the loss of his life wasn't in vain.

Her voice is soft and quiet as she recounts the year's events to a remarkably small slab left in pristine condition despite being level with the ground. Lan Fan's hood has been lowered, the bamboo mask she wears held in her steel hand, a little bouquet of irises and marigolds in the other. She stares at the Xingese lettering on the stone, reading it over and over again, the description simple, with sage, rosemary, and violet plants growing around its edges.