#sdlc 2012

I'm slightly confused because the letter I received (which was actually kind of personalized) said I got the place on "scholastic merit," which (let's be real) can't be the reason.

"Here. Here. Here. In this place. Right now. This moment. Here. Houston. Happy. Whole. Home. Here. S. D. L. C. You don't need sentences to explain yourself here. You don't have to explain yourself, here. We know how to punctuate you, here. We know how to make your subjects and your verbs agree, here. We know you, here."

-Mr. Rodney Glassgow 

There were the amazing words we were greeted with during the opening ceremonies of SDLC/PoCC.

I can already tell that this is going to be long and I have a TON of homework to do, but I have to write this. I will not let myself forget about the last few days that has completely changed my life for the better.

For those who do not know - SDLC is an annual conference held by NAIS (National Association of Independent Schools) for high school students in the independent school system in America (and some international students as well) who wish to talk/learn more about diversity.

I guess I should start with before the conference since chronologically it makes the most sense. I really don't know what I was expecting to get out of this conference, but I know that it is nowhere near what i truly did. I expected it to be very professional and somewhat stiff if that makes any sense. I hadn't had a chance to really talk to anyone about it who had previously gone. I knew I would be in workshops from early in the morning until late at night (8am - 10pm to be exact:p) and I didn't know how I would endure that. 

Boy, I was so wrong. 

We spent a majority of our time in these things called "Family Groups". It's a completely random grouping of about 30 kids I would say, thought you shouldn't quote me on that. We also have 2 adult facilitators. Mine were Dwight and Lisa who were completely amazing. They really gave a good perspective on all of the topics.

I guess now would be a good time to address what a lot of people's first reaction is -- Dani, you're white. What are you doing at a diversity conference?

To be honest, I was struggling with that question before I came to the conference, but now I can tell you the answer. I'll try to keep it short because I could go on with this question for a very long time. Diversity goes beyond race. It is the first thing people think of, but it is not limited to that. At the conference we talked about 7 different cultural identifiers that make up diversity (Race/Ethnicity, Gender, Sexual Orientation, Age, Socio-Economic Class, and Religion). We also learned that there is no hierarchy within those groups. They are all equal in some way. For example - Am I bisexual before I am a woman? or am I a woman before I am bisexual? The truth is, neither is right or wrong. It depends on what the person them self most identifies with. I'm going to move on, like i said - I could say a lot about this, but feel free to inbox me if you'd like to discuss more. 

One of the biggest things I learned from my facilitator, Dwight, and something that will stick with me for the rest of my life is this:

We are constantly, and subconsciously in some cases, trying to put people in to boxes in our minds. This is just how our brain operates in order to make sense of someone/something. We try to identify them immediately and store/organize them away into boxes before we really get to know them. Everyone has a story, and everyone has the right to decide what "box" they want to be placed in if they even want to be placed in one at all. We even do this to ourselves sometime. I know for the past year or so I've been seriously struggling with questioning my sexuality. But, I didn't know how to really talk to anyone about it because I didn't even know how I felt about it. Like Dwight said, I was trying to put myself into a box and there simply wasn't one that I felt i fit into. On one hand I definitely couldn't identify as heterosexual but I also didn't feel like I was "legitimate" enough to identify as bisexual/pan-sexual/queer. To be honest, I still don't know what exactly I am - but Dwight showed me that that is totally fine. Sometimes it's okay to kick all the boxes aside and stand happily where you are. I no longer feel I need to label every part of me in order to be happy/open about who I am. 

There is one more facilitator that I will never forget. His name is Hamilton. He was one of a few facilitators for my affinity group (which are groups split up by race/ethnicity so you can connect with people who share something with you. There was also an LGBTQ group which I probably should have gone to but as I said - I did not feel legitimate enough. Overall, I'm glad I didn't because I would not have met Hamilton). After our final meeting with the group, I had went to ask him something and he sensed that there was something wrong. I had to go, but I promised him that I would find him later. I held up to my promise. There was a dance being offered that at first was fun but got a little wild/boring (ironic?) for me. So, I went searching for him. I had been able to let out a lot to my family group, but there was still something left in me that needed to be let out. We sat down on the floor (anyone who has attended this conference knows how unsurprising that is) and just talked. I told him EVERYTHING. I couldn't believe all of the things I opened up to him about. After I had told him my life story he gave me amazing words of wisdom that I will never forget. He told me that, from what he could tell and was pretty sure to be true, I had always put the people I cared about in my life first. I already knew that, but I never quite understood the (sometimes) detrimental affect it had on me. He told me that I needed to care about myself. He felt I hadn't had someone along the way to tell me that I am special, and beautiful, and amazingly loving. He made me realize that it was okay to care about myself; it's okay to love myself and be happy and make mistakes. He told me that I had, quite literally, given my life away to the people in my life. I had tried to be as perfect as I could to make everyone else's lives easier. At the very end, he told me, "Now, you're going to stand up first, and you're going to hold your head high. And walk light, because you've let out all the pain inside you."

So I stood up first, and he stood, and we hugged. And I felt brand new. Like I truly had let it all out of me. There was still a little left that would come out once I told my mom, but I new this was something new, and that I was something new. He gave me his email and told me to email him just to keep him up-to-date and just in case I needed more guidance. He truly made my experience what it was and has forever impacted the course my life is now on. 

The night I came home, I sat my mom down and told her everything I have been bottling up. I told her about questioning my sexuality, I told her that I was once suicidal and self-harming and hid it because I hadn't wanted to be a burden on her because my brother was also going through a really rough time, and I even told her that I'm not a virgin. I also apologized because lately I have been lashing out at her a lot and that I now knew why. These were all things that, prior to SDLC, I never thought I could ever tell her. Once I was done, she also said to me "Baby, hold your head up high. You've got no reason to be looking down. There's nothing on the ground for you. Not anymore." I felt so love, and so uplifted. Like I could now truly be everything I wanted without constantly being weighted down by the feelings i was trying to hid. Today she told me that she sees a difference in me. She said I always seemed to anxious, and looking back I think she is spot on. I was always worried about letting a little piece of my true self slip out. But now, I don't have to worry about that. I now know genuine happiness that is caused simply from being myself. 

There's so much more I could say but I just don't have the words. My heart feels them. I wish everyone could experience what I did and feel the change that I feel. I guess I really don't expect anyone to read this whole thing (and if you did you are amazing), but I didn't write it for that reason. I wrote this for me. I wrote this so that I will always remember. I want to end this with a letter I wrote to myself on the final night. Our facilitators told us to write it to ourselves about everything we felt and learned. This whole post is just a continuation of that letter but here it is:

Dear Dani,

I really hope you don't forget this experience for everything that it was. I hope you remember all these feelings. I know you may lose sight of it, but please, please do not forget it. Remember how it felt to feel so connected to all these amazing people that come from so many different walks of life. Remever how open and true and how you were so overwellmingly happy that you wanted to cry. Keep in touch with these people for the times you feel lost, and the times that you feel alone, and I hope you are reminded tha tyou will never be alone again, and you never really were. You just thought you were. I hope you emberace the new chapter that these two days have opened up for you. Remeber how to listen and how to understand even when you don't actually agree. Share this experience so people can feel the beauty that you feel within yourself this night. Remember the beauty forever. Keep these 1300 people in your heart knowing that they truly have changed your life, and they've changed it for the better. Remember to see the good in others and most of all the good in yourself, because you matter. And, you have all these people to thank for that.

Never forget,

Dani

Final note for any fellow SDLC-attendees who see this:

FOLLOW ME. We can talk about how much we miss Houston. 

It was absolutely incredible; a really spiritual and educational experience. I've laughed an almost obscene amount, cried about the same, and danced crazier than I ever have in my life. I've met some AWESOME people (like darling porrim and potatofuzz!) (I STILL HATE YOU FOR THAT CANON URL), had some great discussions, and essentially changed as a person. 

And let me tell you I have never seen so many queer people in one room as I did at the LGBT affinity group. The chaperones could barely move. 

Let's be honest, by the time you get through closing ceremonies you won't really care about what you're wearing. You'll probably be too emotionally shot to care about anything, actually. I've pretty much spent every SDLC dance in a graphic tee/some other half-nice shirt, jeans and Converse or sandals (it's currently 73 degrees here in Houston, so you could definitely make do with sandals). The dance is really just a way to add some levity to your otherwise-heavy SDLC memories, and for you to have one last hurrah with the people you've spent the last two days with. In my opinion, it's not really worth getting dolled up for. I mean, you are in one of only places where people won't judge you.

Just enjoy it! It's gonna be a blast :)

Matts's SDLC Tips Using Showtunes :P

TAKE ME OR LEAVE ME! Don't try and be what you think everyone wants you to be. I went in my first year with "too cool syndrome" and I didn't want others to judge me, well guess what you are who you are.

NO ONE IS ALONE Don't be that kid who sits in a corner and doesn't interact with those around you. It will be one of the biggest mistake of your life. You will actually meet some of the coolest people you can ever imagine. I met some of my closest friends, including the wonderful Ramz, without people like her and the 100's of others at SDLC my life would not be the same. Stay in contact after the conference! If you are going to this year's SDLC follow this blog and join the 2012 Facebook group, https://www.facebook.com/groups/107211102779557/

NO DAY BUT TODAY Look SDLC sadly only lasts for 2-3 short days. You can try and worry about upcoming finals and the make-up work you will have to do when you get back to school, but honestly the time spent when you are "fully present" are the moment you will think back to fondly. As Ramz said: even when the day’s activities are over, SDLC still goes on. Some of my greatest memories were times spent in the hallways of hotels and talking about the day we had. More so, the memories spent in our counselor's office back at school when we brought our own SDLC thoughts to school and found ways to make a greater impact. 

IF YOU GOT IT, FLAUNT IT! I'm stealing this straight from Ramz, this year I will preform if it's the last thing I do. (Any theatre fans, hit me up!) If you have a talent, sign up for the talent show. Seriously. It’s one of my bigger regrets that I never had the guts to get up onstage myself. By Friday afternoon, your family will probably be close enough that there’s no doubt that you’re going to have a screaming fanbase no matter what you do, and your entire SDLC family will cheer you on regardless of whether you kill a performance or not.

TODAY 4 U (Tomorrow for me!) The most rewarding parts of this conference are when you put yourself aside, and for a single moment, not think of yourself but think about those around you. The moment when you truly do this you will feel the greatest reward. Be the shoulder to cry on, or the warm hug that was long overdue. 

PULLED It is perfectly okay to feel pulled in a new direction, at SDLC things change, your views change and you meet new friends, don't feel forced to spend all of your time with school friends meet new people. I did last year, (Shout out to Danny, and Ray, and well all of Philadelphia 201)

MY NEW PHILOSOPHY Again stealing the wise words of RamaLamaDingDong... Don’t be afraid to offer your opinion, even if you feel like it may not be well-received. Some of the moments I remember best from SDLC were discussions where things became slightly uncomfortable around the room when two sides to a difficult topic came up. But in the end it gave everyone present a new insight, both based on the subject at hand as well as how to communicate with people in a positive manner, and everyone was better because of it. 

ONE/WHAT I DID FOR LOVE Join in the greatest family you will ever find. Enjoy every moment you have at SDLC. It’s probably one of the safest places you’ll ever find yourself in. Everyone there cares about you At SDLC, you are loved, you are accepted and you are where you were meant to be.  Think of SDLC as your own personal Abileen Clark, everyone there is going to lift you up, and be there to tell you that "you are kind, you are smart, and (most of all) you are important.

Just for grins: Here is a bonus tip for all of you!