#scrambledrambles

I just wanna be and love without restrictions and guilt and shame. I wanna be who I am and express how I feeeeeeel. I feel like this love is unreal and I'm afraid coz it's new and the uncertainty is frightening but I can't stop going towards to light that surrounds me all the energy and love and care it's unreal.

I'm being super gay rn but but it's official. I'm totes in love and she's a dream.

im nearing my period. I didn't have my anti depressants today I am waiting for the refill tomorrow. I've had too much coffee from gnomie and I'm anxious. I'm super hungry and I have no monies. it's triggering childhood trauma and I'm crying about smol yanis. and all my friends that have had abusive and neglectful parents. Lexi. sara and Jeremy moving away. and missing them and their friendship. and then happy cries coz I have lovely kindhearted friends like chase who's coming to bring me a cup of noodle or sandwich or something rn. and keep me company.

this whole fiasco with Lexi has been a disatrous nightmare. its been emotionally draining and I honestly know where some of my "friends" loyalty stands which is eye opening and truly sucks. but yeah she unfollowed me so I'm sure she can no longer see my shit. sigh.. I miss her but she's having a psychotic bpd episode and all her anger is directed at me. and I don't really wanna repair this rn. coz it's better if we're apart for now. so I wish her well in Virginia. as for Jona and Sara.. Idk if like to talk to them in person before they leave and air out a lot of this crap thata been building up. hopefully things work out. and of they don't then I don't really have to deal with them anymore coz they are all moving anyway. lol.

it's funny you say that. coz yours and my friendship of 6 years fell apart in one day. and we didn't speak for 2 years. but sure Okie you're probably right. maybe yours and lexi's bond is stronger than ours was before. and it'll withstand this epic bump in the road. but I'll respect your boundary and let you do your chores. I'll try and convince her to have breakfast tomorrow with us. no promises though but I'll do my best.

yess coz cleaning your house and avoiding the situation at hand is definitely much more important than the possibility of losing your two closest friends.. ef that pathetic excuse and noise.. ef that. ef that. ef that.

I know I sounded bratty and selfish in my last post but their reasons for moving are hella stupid tbh.. so I'm not completely on board. but I'm trying to be supportive. I don't wanna give unsolicited advice or opinions. unless they ask me what I think about the matter, im just gonna have to hold it in and try and deal with it on my own. cry alot, probably. winter is always the worst time of year for me. every winter thus far has been quite devastating. every single one. worst time. I hate. shit always hit the fan. grandma dying. Brian breaking up with me. Jona breaking up with me. Jeff breaking up with me. suicide attempts. almost dying. etc. etc. I'm trying to make each one better than the last. but now Sara, Lexle, and Jonep are moving away. fml. figuratively. I'm trying really hard to keep reassuring myself and telling myself I can handle this. I can handle this. I can handle this. fuk man. fukin a. ugh.