iridescent intestines

I just wanna be and love without restrictions and guilt and shame. I wanna be who I am and express how I feeeeeeel. I feel like this love is unreal and I'm afraid coz it's new and the uncertainty is frightening but I can't stop going towards to light that surrounds me all the energy and love and care it's unreal.

I'm being super gay rn but but it's official. I'm totes in love and she's a dream.

im nearing my period. I didn't have my anti depressants today I am waiting for the refill tomorrow. I've had too much coffee from gnomie and I'm anxious. I'm super hungry and I have no monies. it's triggering childhood trauma and I'm crying about smol yanis. and all my friends that have had abusive and neglectful parents. Lexi. sara and Jeremy moving away. and missing them and their friendship. and then happy cries coz I have lovely kindhearted friends like chase who's coming to bring me a cup of noodle or sandwich or something rn. and keep me company.

this whole fiasco with Lexi has been a disatrous nightmare. its been emotionally draining and I honestly know where some of my "friends" loyalty stands which is eye opening and truly sucks. but yeah she unfollowed me so I'm sure she can no longer see my shit. sigh.. I miss her but she's having a psychotic bpd episode and all her anger is directed at me. and I don't really wanna repair this rn. coz it's better if we're apart for now. so I wish her well in Virginia. as for Jona and Sara.. Idk if like to talk to them in person before they leave and air out a lot of this crap thata been building up. hopefully things work out. and of they don't then I don't really have to deal with them anymore coz they are all moving anyway. lol.

On March 11, 2017, I was sexually assaulted by Dan Gee, lead singer of the band the No 44.I met Dan at a show his band was playing at the Vault in Redlands on a Saturday night. I approached Dan after the show and complimented his band, told them they were fucking rad and awesome and from there we kept talking. He buys me a drink. At some point Dan asks if he can come over to my place, I refuse. Dan then invites me to an after party that one of the other bands is throwing, I accept. We carpool to San Bernardino and arrive way too early at the after party, nobody is there. We decide to head to his house and hang out and make omelettes and watch cartoons. When we arrive at Dan’s place he tries to kiss me forcefully, I push him away and tell him “I don’t wanna do anything.” He offers me more alcohol, I refuse. Over the course of the night he makes multiple sexual passes at me, eventually removing my clothes and performing several sexual acts on me, at no point did I consent to any of these acts, and multiple times throughout I made it known that I wasn’t comfortable with what was happening. I said no, multiple times. I froze because I was afraid that if I’d reject him he would hurt me. He was 6’4. I didn’t know this man and wasn’t entirely sure what he was capable of, so I froze instead of fighting back, instead of running away. The next night I goes to a hospital in Loma Linda with a friend to get a rape kit/std testing done, they send me to Redlands Community Hospital where I interview with a dismissive police officer from Pomona. The officer concludes that “no crime was committed” and refuses me a rape kit/Std test. I was so overwhelmed and cried. It didn’t sit right with me. I know I was assaulted regardless of how passive and nonviolent the crime was. So I pursued and continued to try and get some sort of justice and peace of mind. The day after I goes to Beaver Medical Group in Redlands with another friend for a rape kit and am sent back to Redlands Community Hospital. I was given an std test at Redlands Community, but was told that I’d have to go the Pomona Police Department and file a report if I wanted to have a rape kit done. Keep in mind that I have to stay unshowered in order to keep the evidence on my body for the rape kit. Two days after the incident I goes to Pomona Police Department with a friend to file a report. I am interrogated to the point of tears by Officer Mendoza, who decides to move forward with my case. A week after that, Detective Cormack, who is handling my case, has me confront Dan over the phone about him sexually assaulting me; the detective records the conversation. I am with two other friends. During the conversation Dan apologizes numerous times for what he did to me, stopping just short of admitting to sexually assaulting me, though he offers no reason why his actions shouldn’t be considered sexual assault. Towards the end of the phone call, Dan tells me about a time when he sexually assaulted an unconscious woman at a party. He told me that he didn’t understand why the woman he had assaulted was upset once he told her what he did to her. A couple months later I was hospitalized after a suicide attempt triggered by the stress of the rape. Seeing his band page all over my newsfeed triggered flashbacks of the sexual assault. It made me suicidal. I took 20 pain pills and 30 sleeping pills. My friends took me to the hospital and luckily I survived. While I was hospitalized, the officer handling her case contacted me and informed me that the DA had decided to drop my case due to “insufficient evidence”. He gave me the option to interview with the DA to have the case reopened which I plan to do because it is unfair that he gets to be free of the crime he committed. He could have been assaulting other people within the year that has passed. I want to protect others and prevent this from happening to other people. Please share and encourage others to share too.

it's funny you say that. coz yours and my friendship of 6 years fell apart in one day. and we didn't speak for 2 years. but sure Okie you're probably right. maybe yours and lexi's bond is stronger than ours was before. and it'll withstand this epic bump in the road. but I'll respect your boundary and let you do your chores. I'll try and convince her to have breakfast tomorrow with us. no promises though but I'll do my best.

yess coz cleaning your house and avoiding the situation at hand is definitely much more important than the possibility of losing your two closest friends.. ef that pathetic excuse and noise.. ef that. ef that. ef that.