#school applicant

I do not remember applying to my undergraduate program being this stressful or overwhelming. Granted, I went to a program with 15-20 of us my junior and senior year of high school. This program revolved around college preparation, how to find a school, apply to a school, how to afford college, etc. At the time everything was new, scary, and stressful, however, there were 15-20 of us going through it together with two of the most intelligent women guiding us, making sure we were on course. 

Now, here I am at 21, a college graduate and I am more lost than ever in my college search. I have a college degree, yet I am a nanny. Yes, I make more than I would in many jobs that would put my degree to use but that is only locally. If I choose to relocate back to the bay area to live with my parents and work I could make more money. But I would go insane. 

My problem is I am so young, with so little work experience. All these job opportunities that pay well and require a BA in Psychology are management positions in which I am not qualified for. But you have to start somewhere, but where? 

For four years I said I wanted to teach elementary school, but as more bills begin to pile up and I take a step back and take in the world around me, I am now questioning if teaching is the right option for me. 

I am realizing that once I am 100% financially stable and no longer receiving help from my parents I want to be able to maintain that lifestyle. I want to be able to do the things I dream of including having a family. But is any of that possible on a teacher’s wage? And I am not sure it is. I do know that I want to work with kids, and someday be able to support my own kids, with or without a partner’s financial help. 

With that being said, I have started looking at other graduate programs outside of teaching. Ones that work with children or giving back to the community. But they are all over the place and I have no idea how to decide or what any of the cities are like. There is only one way to find out, but nobody seems to be 100% behind me in this journey like in high school, and it is only making it all the more fucking terrifying. 

Ugh, if one more person asks me what I am doing, when I am going back to school, how I plan to support myself, what career I see myself in, etc I might die. Nobody ever says, congratulations on making it this far or it must be difficult selecting. They all criticize my at this point very hypothetical, still 100% in the research stage idea of what to do in the next year or two. Instead of helping me do research, letting me know that in the end it will be okay, or that it is okay to fuck up and try again.