Mum was never a bad person she had problems but most of them made who that person I still miss every day.

However, the fact she couldn't be alone was not one of the things I liked. I don't if there where any boyfriends before we moved to the cobbled street but I know she was married very young to a gentleman twice her age, that didn't work and the married my dad.

I don't remember them ever being together but the first boyfriend I remember was probably the best.

I don't remember much about him, but let's call him Barney. Barney use to come and fix things, always had a big smile, that about all I remember apart from one conversation we had. Barney was African American (found out a few years later). He was round one day fixing the door, mum had broke it on a drunken stumble in. He was getting me to help, telling me about the tools, as I was watching I noticed the inside of his hand was a different colour. "why is your hand a different colour?" He laughed. Obviously I was young think about 5.

Barney just carried on with his big smile, he must of noticed me still looking. He put his hands out together one facing up, one facing down and he said "when you see a person with hands like these just know they have worked hard to be able to walk around the world and smile".

Didn't know what he meant at that time but it made me smile. I really liked Barney. But that was it.

No more Barney, no more help fixing the house when mum broke something.

Then came Steve.

This is a place for me to get out what needs to come out.

I have been through therapy, self destruction, self harm, drug abuse and alcohol abuse.

Yes I have come out to be able to say I'm OK, but I'm not.