#scaring yourself

I said I was scared,

but I never said of what.

Perhaps it's time you know;

it's me.

I'm scared of what I'll do,

when I get a knife in my hand.

I don't take medicine because of friends and me:

overdosing just sounds so good right now.

But I know I can't do that,

but it doesn't stop the craving from kicking in.

I'm scared of me,

because I have no boundaries,

and without my friends,

I'd have already gone off the deep end.

They act as a conscious,

because mine is obviously slacking.

I'm scared of me,

So I'm sitting on my couch watching Paranormal Witness and then all of a sudden I hear a creak come from my room upstairs and I'm like :

OH GOD IT CAME IN THROUGH THE TELLIE

so I go upstairs and check because I'm smart like that

and I walk into my room and one of my books is on the floor so I go over to pick it up to see which one it is and it just has to be the 100 Ghastly little ghost stories....and I'm just like :

Don't get me wrong - most of the time I LOVE it- do what I want, when I want, watch what I want etc........

However, last night was horrible. At 5 to 2 in the morning I was awoken by my answer phone turning itself on (there is a phone extension in my bedroom and it lit up and beeped) being half asleep I thought it was recording a message which I was unable to hear being in a different room.

That's when the horror movie scenarios started. Who would be ringing me in the middle of the night? Obviously a psycho to leave some chilling message of my impending death.............Get back to sleep now?? Not likely! Ok, so if that notion (which I know is silly) is going to keep me awake what I have to do is go check the answerphone to put my mind at rest. Except I can't do that because I can picture it in my head, me listening to it as the psycho, who has been hiding in my house all along, comes up behind me and attacks me.

Fuck! Now I'm awake and don't even dare get out of bed, because OBVIOUSLY there's someone in my living room! This and random other 'open the bedroom door to be confronted by a man in a mask' -type imaginings just poured into my brain! Not to mention my brain kindly reliving every scary TV or movie moment I've ever watched (thank you Crimewatch!).

It was horrible - I ended up reading for nearly an hour to put a stop to the rampant paranoid and terrifying thoughts.

When I got up eventually, the situation was what I had FIRST thought of on waking (the thought had disappeared under the terror!) There had been a power cut and that's why the answer machine had switched itself on - all I had heard in my sleepy haze was 'Answer on - you have one message' (this is an old message I knew about). There was, of course no psycho message! I knew it was a power cut because the microwave clock was reset to 0000.

Why is it that the irrational voice of your over-active imagination is so much more compelling than the logical (yet correct) sane voice??

So yeah, living alone? Not all it's cracked up to be in the middle of the night!