1 am thoughts
I know this probably goes against everything I established on this website but Iām quite self conscious.
Of course I donāt show it. I hate people seeing me not at my best. Which I have to admit, Iām almost never at my best. At least Iām good at faking it. Anyways, I have an unnatural fear of smells. Like, Iām always scared Iām stinky despite knowing I go through very vigorous routines to make sure I donāt. I know itās irrational, but yet Iām still unable to overcome it. My anxiety is awful, but I still smile in these menās faces and touch them and blah blah.
What Iām saying is, itās hard. Itās hard when you literally freeze when ANYBODY comes close to you in fear of them thinking you stink (itās irrational but still this is what I go through on a daily.) and going on dates where I have to sit next to them or finally gotta do the āboom boomā is pure hell. I mean, the rewards sure do make up for it but my goodness I shake and borderline cry with others being so close. But they think Iām āfeeling itā instead of being literally terrified which I think is a bonus in being a sw. Men have no conscious besides themselves.
Any who. Its 1:30 in the morning and I shaved, exfoliated, skincare prepped, and in bed but I canāt sleep. Havenāt been able to. I also feel guilty I ate a box of 10 whole chicken wings with fries yesterday š. In my defense, it was the only food I ate yesterday and I washed it down with OJ and water. But since itās a new day, I wonder if itās okay to eat now? But I ate it at about 11:30 and its 01:30... perhaps thatās not enough time. Iāll wait till around 7 am to make my final decision.
This is just me ranting. Anyways Iām signing off and probably will delete this later to not look like a fool šš















