there is a phenomenon to describe the way in which one sees faces in things that aren’t there. sumi sometimes wonders if it’s the way in which the body fulfils a need. like having no memory of the things that would otherwise haunt you. like flinching before the scald. all she knows is this: too many a time does she entertain the delusion of bumping into bae suyeon on the grounds of sua.
it’d never happen, of course. bae suyeon is a twenty year old girl who’d grown up normal, and so, perfect. the worst thing about her is the ease in which she falls ill on a cold day, and sumi thinks it’s just as well that she’s never really gotten close to her sister, fragile as she is. but what would happen? how would it go? and it’s not that she intends to curse suyeon with an anomaly, to feel vindicated that perfect little suyeon was just like her— rather, there is a gnawing at the bottom of her heart just begging to see her, to just hold her and ask her how she’s been.
there are ways in which heartbreak can turn pathological. how sumi thinks she’s almost there. suppose this is how the body defends itself. how she’s breaking past her circle of friends and reaching out towards taeri, the girl with the sunny disposition that sumi imagines suyeon might have— similar to the way in which one assumes the characteristics of a stranger. in her drunken slur, sumi calls, “suyeon!” as she wraps the latter in a tight embrace. pulls away, smiles, pretends it never happens. sumi keeps taeri close to her, palm gripping the latter’s elbow and she drags her aside, an urgent, “wait, i need to tell you something— come with me to the bathroom,” cutting through the noise.
and there’s this way in which she intertwines her fingers with taeri’s. how it’s tight, like she fears to let go, to lose her in the throng. like how taeri fulfils a need. sumi pulls taeri into the bathroom and closes the door behind her. checks the stalls—empty—then turns to taeri with widened eyes as she blurts, ”you’re never gonna guess what happened: i just saw minah leaving with her ex.” she places her palms over her lips in astonishment, pauses to gauge taeri’s reaction like her approval means something to her. suppose it’s true, how all big sisters secretly want their younger siblings to find them cool. sumi continues, “isn’t she with that pulgasari member? oh my god.” she squeezes past taeri towards the taps, twists, and washes her hands as she shoots the girl a look of determination through the mirror, “you have to get that on next week’s podcast.”
ft. bae sumi & @satindupe's yang taeri
