#sasscaptains

“You think this isn’t killing me, Simon.” Jon said simply, allowing the hurt to actually slip into his voice as he thought about Erika. Her presence in his soul was the only thing that had kept him going for so long. He knew she was out there, but there was nothing he could do. “She’s my best friend, my soulmate… you know we both believe that. But space is big, and one NX ship is very, very small.”

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an excerpt from my latest fic (chapter six)

The first chapter is up on AO3 and available here

Okay so what you're going to get here is an essay on why this is THE song for the SassCaptains post-"Home" with full lyric breakdown and I do not remember how to do the read more break so this is gonna be at Tumlbr discretion but I'm going to go stanza by stanza because I am obsessed with this song for them.

SO here goes

There's a look in your eye as we sit and say goodbye To the life that we tried but never really quite got right

So we know they were very definitely heavily involved at some part in the past, but their professional lives meant that things were just not lining up for them at the time. It's clear from the very first moment that they care deeply for each other. Jon's first question after small talk is about how he doesn't see a ring. She's checking up on him, telling him about how the world had been on hold but that is his observation. He congratulates her on her promotion and seeks reassurance that she'll be at his debriefing the next day. Erika also makes it very clear that, whatever the reason for their break-up... she didn't care for it, and didn't actually see a reason for them to have stopped dating to begin with, which to me speaks to something quite long-term.

We were young, 21, now I hear you're waking up I'm tired of feeling like a loaded gun

This, again, speaks to how they were younger when they were in the relationship, I see the 'waking up' as being her coming into herself, joining the command ranks and seeing how she is so open and excited about exploring, about the future that they had both once dreamed about together. Jon, however, in his depression and self-loathing following the Expanse is just wound up constantly and ready to let loose, we see that in the way he loses it with Soval during his debriefing. He has been running on anger and adrenaline for months and he needs to slow down. He needs to learn how to release himself again. He sees Erika as becoming who he should be. He says that himself, and for a time he's so angry about it. Because why can't that be him.

So how does it feel, if this is all meant to be And now that it's real, I wish I could just believe In you and me

Jon has to rapidly face that this was how his mission was meant to go. With his conversations with Daniels throughout all of this, and him helping bring about the end of the Temporal Cold War, he knows that this is real and how his life is meant to be, but that means that... Erika is also meant to be here, too. He can't figure out how to feel about it all because he, more than almost anyone, knows that while we can still make our individual choices... the way it goes is the way things are meant to go but he is far too scared to allow himself to believe that Erika is meant to be helping him. That she was meant to be with him on that mountain. He can't believe in the two of them and that they are exactly in the right place, because it feels like so much has gone wrong despite it being the right thing.

I forgot where I was when I got the call from Dot It's a lot, needs to stop, can you save a life or not Called the boys, had no choice, get you free from all this noise

This stanza is more from Erika's side. She is home, alone, having watched Jon implode and she gets a call from Forrest. Someone has told her that Jon is going on vacation, and someone has told her where that is. She would have to have arranged her leave to go along with him, as I doubt a Captain with a ship still in such early build actually would be able to just disappear for a few days without notice unless it was organised by a superior. She knows that there is no choice other than this to get Jon out of Starfleet and away from everyone. She knows that she still loves him, she's never stopped and she hopes he hasn't either. But more than that she hopes that getting him away from Starfleet where he can speak freely about everything is the only way to save him. She has to get him away from Command, and they both know they shouldn't climb alone.

If you don't come back from the dark And the weight of it all gets too hard to come back from And takes all your spark, I'll give you my last one I'll bring the light to where you are

The chorus is, honestly, pretty on the nose but I'm going to go through it step by step anyway. Throughout the first days of their climb it is made VERY clear that Jon is in such an extremely deep depression and all he can see around him is darkness, despair and dread. Erika can see this and she knows that she can bring him back. She knows that somewhere inside him is the man she fell in love with and she knows that she can bring that man back to the surface. He's lost in the dark, doubting Starfleet, doubting himself. But the one person he has never doubted and will never doubt is Erika Hernandez. She brings the light back into his life, sharing her torch as she does. Showing him that he is, in fact, still worthy of love and friendship and companionship. No matter how hard he tries to push her away, no matter how much he tries to convince her that he's not worth saving... she doesn't step away from him. She's right there.

I'll bring the light to where you are And if you don't come back from the dark That's so lonely, it's never too far If you go without me, I'll bring the light to where you are

Erika never says that the darkness isn't there. She doesn't tell him or imply that anything other than what happened is what happened, but she doesn't allow him to wallow in the loneliness of the darkness that he is surrounded by. She makes it clear that wherever he goes, a part of her is going to be going with him now. She has a ship that can go as fast as his, when it's finished, so it's never too far for her to go, she will always be able to bring the light back to him. Their wordplay with each other in Affliction/Divergence speaks to how close they both are, and make it very clear that Erika lives up to the silent promise she made Jon on that mountain.

He has been forewarned that I'm going to be obnoxious as fuck about it.

I made this video 12 years ago and I still love it so damn much. You can't even tell where I had to do some audio fuckery and I'm so proud of that.