#saphsep2017

She must have patrolled those very streets in Gotham a thousand times since she had decided that everyone she had known and loved in Blüdhaven were dead. She must have passed by those very buildings dozens, maybe hundreds, of times, never taking the time to parse out the words written on their windows. Never reading what was in front of her.

The leaves were falling from the trees in the park across the street, pushing against Cass along with the wind. Nipping at her, trying to force her to correct course.

They wanted her to go immediately into the building, to just drop everything and finally do it.

But she wasn’t ready. She still didn’t feel real, didn’t feel like the moment was capable of existing.

So she parked her bike near a meter, took her time figuring out the right amount of change needed, looking nervously toward the address written on her palm and to the window’s writing a few times. Disbelief was still gripping her firmly.

Then, at last, she was pushed by the falling leaves and harsh winds of Gotham another time.

Kickstand down, Cass left the security of her motorcycle. Left the sureness of her acceptance and grief, and stepped into the small coffee shop.

A bell rang when she did so, and a woman with spiky red hair and covered in tattoos and piercings was washing down the counter, calling out for Cass to give her just a second.

Cass couldn’t move, she couldn’t even breathe as she stood opposite of the counter and looked at the barista with a pounding heart.

“What do you want to…order…?” the woman asked before finally looking up over her glasses. Her voice cut off, her eyes widened.

There was a small pot, a pathetic little thing, really, sitting by the cash register. It only had a single flower in it. It was very out of place in what was otherwise a modern and pristine coffee shop.

But it was also all that Cassandra needed to make things real.

“Brenda,” Cass managed to get out through blubbering tears. She weakly walked forward.

“Oh my god, it’s you!” Brenda cried out, literally jumping over her counters, something Cass had never seen her do before, and raced toward Cass. “Oh my god it’s you, I thought — oh my god, I thought — Cass!”

Nothing mattered more than the immediate hug they both ran into, the way Cass could smell coffee grinds and cream on Brenda, the way Brenda kept moving her hands up and down Cass’ head and back, as if trying to assess if she was corporeal.

It suddenly became real and it was overwhelming.

Nebby must’ve understood that on some level, because he settled back down with only a soft chirp of discontent as Selene jogged up to them. She was waving one arm madly through the air, as if Lillie hadn’t already stopped to let her catch up, and Lillie couldn’t restrain a fond, if bashful, smile. “Yes?” she prompted as Selene dug her heels in and skidded to a halt at her side.

She wasn’t sure what she had expected, but she couldn’t have anticipated for Selene to immediately begin rifling through her bag― “C’mon, c’mon, they’re in here somewhere, I know they’re―aha!―” before victoriously pulling out―

A deck of cards?

Sure enough, Selene eventually fished out a small cardboard box from amidst a sea of potion canisters and bottle caps. It looked like a pretty nice deck, too―nothing crazy, but, as she shook the cards free of their case, Lillie caught a glimpse of shiny gold foil decorating the backs of each card.

The confusion must’ve shown on her face, and it must’ve looked especially foolish, because Selene took one look at her and had to shove her face into the crook of her elbow to frantically stifle a laugh. “Hold on just a minute,” she giggled after taking a moment to collect herself. “It’ll all make sense soon.”

With that, she began shuffling the cards, finally taking her focus off of Lillie; excellent timing, because Lillie could tell that her entire face was burning a bright, conspicuous red. …For some reason. Honestly, nothing really humiliating had happened, but being around Selene seemed to make her more self-conscious than usual. Of course, Selene also made her feel brave and warm and confident (‘And safe,’ her mind whispered), but it was hard to be bold when she was so afraid of making a fool of herself in front of Selene specifically.

Crushes were… hard. For not the first time, nor the last time, Lillie thanked the Tapus that she hadn’t had to deal with crushes until very recently (‘Until Selene,’ her mind whispered). Her mother had mostly kept her isolated from other children, save Gladion, and it may have left her with crippling social anxiety, but at least it protected her from developing schoolgirl crushes for a few years. That was one thing to be grateful to her mother for, she supposed.

‘You left her, you ran away and took Nebby, you selfish child, you ungrateful whelp, you don’t deserve a mother, you don’t deserve anything―’

Lillie hastily shook those thoughts away. The Professors didn’t―they said she was a fine girl. They didn’t hate her, and they spent more time with her than her mother ever did. They were the ones who knew her―really knew her―and they didn’t hate her. They liked her, even. She did what she had to do, getting Nebby away from that―that awful, awful place. Gladion did the same thing, saving Null from a life of experimentation and isolation.

‘I am not a bad person. I just did what I had to do. I am not a bad person. I just did what I had to do.’

Selene finished shuffling the cards and looked up, a huge smile spreading across her face. In an instant, the negative thoughts emptied from Lillie’s head, replaced with much more welcome thoughts of how utterly cute Selene looked when she grinned like that, and how Lillie would do just about anything to keep that look on her face permanently, and how nice it would be to kiss―

WAIT NO―

Lillie quickly ducked her head, hiding her burning face behind her hands as best she could. Selene’s presence didn’t usually completely purge the intrusive thoughts from her head, but, then again, she didn’t usually feel such a strong urge to kiss her, either. Maybe it was a fair trade. Although Lillie would honestly rather stick with the bad thoughts; those, at least, she knew how to deal with―

“Alright,” Selene declared, and Lillie shook her head sharply, banishing the many, many unwelcome thoughts of different sorts currently rocketing around in her head. When she looked back up, Selene was holding out the cards, face-down and fanned wide in her hands. “Pick a card. Any card.”

Lillie caught on rather slowly. “Wait…” Trailing off, she looked down at the cards, the gears in her head turning sluggishly. “You―is this a magic trick?”

Selene’s face fell for a split second, and Lillie had never felt more like human waste in her entire life. “I―not that there’s anything wrong with that!” she hastily amended, waving her hands about frantically in some out-of-control gesture that was once meant to be placating. “I like magic tricks! Well―I mean, I’ve never really… seen one? B-but… from what I know of them… I think I’d like them? A-and, either way, I wanna see it, so―”

She was cut off by a loud, shameless snort of laughter that just about made her heart skip a beat, or maybe melt in her chest. “Lillie,” Selene giggled after a moment, “it’s alright. You don’t have to explain yourself to me.” Stepping forward―or maybe just leaning forward; they were already pretty close, so stepping forward would probably be a bit superfluous―she added, “I like to think that I can understand you well enough without you having to explain,” an easygoing, fond smile spreading across her face.

Something deep in her mind scoffed at the thought. ‘Selene, understand you? No; she likes you, which means she has no idea what you’re really like. If she did, she would never willingly spend any time with you, obviously. You’ve deceived her into thinking you’re worth caring about just like you deceived the Professors; just like you deceived your own mother, until she eventually caught on―’

“Lillie?”

Selene’s voice tore her out of her brief downward spiral with a jolt, and Lillie hastily wiped any trace of negative emotion off of her face. “Sorry, I got distracted there for a second,” she explained before Selene could say anything else, sweeping the matter under the rug as quickly as she could. “S-so―do I, like, just pick a random card?”

It was hardly the most subtle subject change she could’ve gone for, but Selene didn’t seem to mind, although she did offer a single contemplative frown before replying. “Yeah.” For a second, it seemed like she was going to leave it at that―but, with a jolt, she seemed to remember her previous dramatic act. Clearing her throat and shaking her head, she repeated in the same over-exaggerated voice, “Pick a card. Any card.”

Eagerly accepting the offer, Lillie reached forward and carefully picked a card from the middle of the deck, holding it between two fingertips like a delicate porcelain thread. Even though she’d never seen a magic trick before, she had enough sense not to show it to Selene; she just flipped it upright and scanned it for a second―the ace of spades―before turning it back around. “What now?”

Puffing her chest out importantly, Selene gestured for Lillie to put the card back where she’d found it. “Now,” she declared, “I will shuffle the deck and find your card.” With that, she ducked her head and immediately started shuffling, the cards flying easily between her deft fingers. Wow. Apparently, she was skilled with cards. Who knew?

‘Certainly not you; you’ve known her for less than a month and you’re already overcome by this ridiculous schoolgirl crush―’

No; she couldn’t start thinking like that. Not now. Not when she and Selene were hanging out, and―and having a good time. Grasping for something else to focus on―anything; anything to take her mind off the guilt; it was even worse than normal lately and it was going to eat her alive―

Lillie focused on Selene’s face. Not the most innocuous of things to focus on, but it would do; anything would be better than letting herself go crazy over something she couldn’t change now and wouldn’t want to change even if she could. She wouldn’t let the voice ruin this for her. She wouldn’t.

‘You won’t let me ruin this for you? That’s rich, coming from the girl who abandoned her own mother when she needed you most.’

Selene’s brow was furrowed in concentration; she seemed to be channeling all of her energy into her deck-shuffling, as if there was no activity in Alola more strenuous. As if it didn’t clearly come naturally to her, the cards practically dancing weightlessly between her hands. Maybe this was a new trick for her, and she has to keep her concentration so that she doesn’t mess it up? Sleight of hand probably took very sharp mental skills, after all.

Either way, it didn’t really matter, Lillie vaguely acknowledged. She didn’t really care about the reason for Selene’s determined expression; either way, it was probably the most endearing look she had ever seen on another person’s face. In this moment, with her mouth set in a firm line, lips pressed together, eyebrows knitted tight, Selene looked unstoppable. Like nothing in the world would get between her and her goal. Like she would never leave; would never abandon her loved ones.

‘Unlike you,’ her mind snarled, and Lillie winced. She really should’ve been expecting that one. ‘Unlike you, who abandoned your mother the second you got the chance―’

No no no; she isn’t going to let this ruin this moment.

‘You abandoned your own mother. You abandoned her to pursue your own selfish desires; you took Nebby and ran like the coward you are. You don’t deserve Nebby, you know. You don’t deserve anything. You don’t deserve the Professors, you don’t deserve friends, you don’t deserve happiness, and you definitely don’t deserve her―’

By the time Selene finished shuffling and pulled a single card triumphantly from the deck, Lillie was deep enough into the rabbit hole that the sudden movement pulled a flinch from her. It had been a long time since she stopped flinching away from other people’s movements like that―but it didn’t matter, because Selene was too absorbed in the trick to notice, and she said “Is this your card?” in a very proud voice, and Lillie could not mess this up―

In the end, Lillie never got a chance to check whether or not the card was hers. For a minute, she just stared at Selene blankly, still fighting to get her thoughts back under control. Glancing down to see whether or not it’s the ace of spades suddenly seems like a monumental task; an insurmountable peak. Something is stopping her from looking away from Selene’s face for more than a split second.

When no response seemed forthcoming, Selene just smiled, a bit anxiously. “Ah, no luck, then?” she guessed. Before Lillie could respond, though―or even look down long enough to see for herself, Selene closed her eyes and took a deep breath, steeling herself.

“I guess it’s only natural that the spirits would call this card into my hands,” she blurted out after a moment, the words coming just a bit too fast. “After all, you are… the Queen of my heart.”

Lillie stared.

That was really all she could do, wasn’t it? Because she certainly couldn’t comprehend a word of what Selene just said―maybe a few centuries from now, she would be able to parse the first few words, at least―and she couldn’t seem to look away from Selene, either―Selene, who, she realized now, was holding her gaze boldly, even as her teeth worried her bottom lip.

It took her a good thirty seconds to realize that the card Selene was still holding out was not, in fact, the ace of spades, but―sure enough―the queen of hearts. A shimmering golden Nidoqueen adorned the card, and the hearts in the corners were bright red, making it easy to identify.

Lillie thought her face was probably a pretty bright red right now, too.

“S-Selene,” she stammered out, but she stopped there, because what else was there to say? For, surely, this must be a joke; some cruel prank pulled by―by Lusamine, maybe; this was something her mother might do to punish her. Surely, Selene couldn’t really be looking straight into her eyes, cheeks dusted a deep pink, and calling her “the Queen of my heart”. Surely, this couldn’t be real. Surely―

But could it?

Selene swallowed thickly. It was really only the close proximity that let Lillie hear the noise over the sound of her own racing heart. “Say something,” Selene begged after another long moment, finally dropping her gaze. Her face was going very red, now, not that Lillie could judge, and she was shifting her weight nervously, as if she actually feared being rejected; as if Lillie didn’t return her feelings; as if she really had those feelings―

‘You don’t deserve this. You’re horrible and awful and despicable. Everyone who knows you hates you, and everyone who likes you just doesn’t really know you.’

Except Selene was right there, holding out the queen of hearts like a peace offering, or perhaps a shield; Selene was smart and wouldn’t fall for any stupid facade, which meant she must know the real Lillie; and Selene liked her; even despite the fact that she knew, which meant―

‘You don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve friendship, you don’t deserve love, you don’t deserve her, you don’t deserve anything―’

“Lille,” Selene said, almost desperately. A plea. A plea for Lillie to break the silence, somehow; to either accept the card or tell her No; my card was the ace of spades; you got it wrong, except Lillie had never wanted to do anything less in her entire life.

Lillie didn’t want to say that her card had been the ace of spades. She wanted the queen of hearts instead. And maybe it made her selfish to want that; maybe it made her awful to take that; but Selene was the one putting everything on the line, here; Selene was offering the queen willingly, and―

‘You don’t deserve this, you don’t deserve this, you don’t deserve―’

Before she could second-guess herself, Lillie surged forward and planted a kiss on Selene’s cheek. Not quite her lips―not quite―but close enough.

Close enough.