1. Mirror Mirror on the Wall - Who’s the Selfiest Queen of All?

Tyra Banks bursts into the Top Model pad to rant about how shitty selfies are these days. She should know - she cruises Instagram endlessly.

She’s here to show the models how to take better mirror shots because sometimes you break up with your photographer boyfriend and have to learn to do the job yourself! (That is only partially a masturbation reference.)

Never mind that the judges constantly insist they’re not looking for an Instagram model, it’s the most practical outcome for most of these contestants, so you might as well set them up for a modicum of success.

Before the lesson commences, we get a pretty much irrelevant clip of Jeana talking about how much she loves Tyra while photos of Tyra scroll on the screen. It’s like, “Hey, guys, you remember Tyra, right?” YES. We have never forgotten Tyra or what she looks like but thanks for the glamor shots.

I don’t have an Instagram account because so many social media platforms come and go that I refused to join new ones past a certain point. By now, it’s clear Instagram is here to stay, so my current excuse is just stubbornness (I swear I’m not as old as Erin.) I’m not sure I’ve ever taken a proper mirror selfie before, and I want to be clear that I know that’s an obnoxious thing to say, that being THAT counter-culture is as obnoxious as someone who is constantly taking selfies.

All of that is to say, even though I don’t know the first thing about selfie excellence, Tyra’s tips all seem to make sense and be useful, and that’s NOT something I can about most other Tyra lessons, like that one about animal necks.

TYRA TIP No. 1: #SLAY

SLAY stands for So Look At Yourself. Evidently, a lot of amateurs look at the camera rather than making smize contact in the mirror, so Tyra encourages selfie-takers to find the shot on the phone, then look toward themselves.

TYRA TIP No. 2: #CIAO

CIAO stands for Crop It All Out. In a lot of mirror selfies, the most prominent part is the camera in the reflection. So Tyra encourages photo-takers to take the shot, then zoom in and crop the camera out.

It’s simple advice, but perhaps too difficult of an acronym since the models have no idea how to spell Ciao. Man, we’ve regressed a lot from the cycles where the winner gets a spread in Italian Vogue.

TYRA TIP No. 3: #DipItLow

Another way to avoid making the camera the focus of the shot is to place it so centrally. Tyra encourages the girls to hold the camera below the waist and tilt it upwards so people first look at the outfit they’re showing off, not the camera.

I don’t know why we don’t get a acronym here like the other two, that just seems lazy. What’s wrong with #DIL? Or if that’s too pickle-y, maybe #HILL (Hold It Low, Ladies) or #DTF (Dip That Fone).

Okay, now it’s time to put these tips into action, and Tyra has enlisted the help of Jourdan Dunn, a “super”model who didn’t think she wanted to be a model until she started watching ANTM as a teenager and decided, fuck it, this looks easy enough. Tyra gets excited as if Jourdan is some Top Model success story, but it’s not like she auditioned to be on the show - she instead chose the path of having a real career.

Jourdan seems like a fine guest and all, but if Tyra really wanted to bring on someone known for his mirror selfies, she should have looked no further than Cycle 22’s Dustin McNeer. As anyone who’s made the mistake of scrolling through the ANTM tag on Tumblr already knows, he takes mirror selfies on the daily and most definitely makes sure the focus of the photo is on something other than his cellphone. (Penis. I’m referring to his penis.)

For the challenge, the models will dress in Jourdan’s designer house sweats and take shots. The winner of the challenge will get her selfie shot on Jourdan’s Instagram page, which has 2 million followers.

Rio seems stoked, explaining that being featured on Jourdan’s account could get her “millions of followers.” To get millions of new followers, that’d mean that EVERY one of Jourdan’s followers would have to decide to follow Rio based on a single post. Especially after Rio’s snide comment about she doesn’t follow back most of her followers because they’re not interesting, I’d say there’s a FAT CHANCE of that. And unlike Rio, I don’t mean that in a fat-shamey way.

Speaking of fat, Khrystyana says that she got her follower count up by showing off her fat rolls. God, I love her.  

Meanwhile, Sandra got her follower count up by being beautiful and popular and all those other things Rio hates. She does well and probably should have won this challenge, except that the show was finally fixing to cut her, so they couldn’t let her win.

Erin’s getting full grandma edit this segment as she yet again moans that she doesn’t know anything about social media. After seeing Khrystyana and Sandra’s follower count, Erin’s is hilarious:

Hey, at least it exceeds her age… by one. I’m not sure why Erin finds taking a picture of herself to be so difficult, but she needs Khrystyana to come and literally guide her through the process. I love how they choose this shot of her to showcase with Khrystyana’s hand on Erin’s:

Can you really call that a selfie? That’s more like an assisted selfie, which is probably popular in the assisted living facility in which Erin resides. Tyra concludes that Erin needed a Selfie 1.0 lesson instead of the Selfie 2.0 lesson she offered the models. It’s true, Tyra is teaching selfies at a Harvard level. She is a professor of self-promotion (I’m not kidding) after all.

Fortunately for Erin, she does great at the real photoshoot, so Tyra gives her a pass. She still only receives her photo middle of the pack call-out-wise, though, which is not a good sign for her longevity if the judges correctly call it her best photo yet.  

Tyra also nails Kyla for ignoring her selfie rules, but hey, what do you expect from someone so stupid? Kyla doesn’t DipItLow, she doesn’t make it croppable… It’s one thing to tune out Drew Elliott, but THEE TYRA BANKS? She’s shitting out more gold than Shanice did after accidentally swallowing a bunch of paint at the shoot. It’s not a good look for Kyla since we know Tyra loves a girl who listens.

All right, time for the winner: it’s Jeana, because who needs hair when you’re wearing a hat and a hood simultaneously?! As a bonus prize, Jeana gets to keep the outfit she’s wearing, which is kind of like when you’re at a bar doing a brand promotion and they say, “You can keep the glass!” and you think, “But I don’t even want the glass.”

Okay, CIAO, everybody! And by that, I mean goodbye.

2. Tyra Is the Best Photographer Ever. Period. 

I’m going to float a pretty uncontroversial theory about this episode: Tyra was hella late to set. Paulina Porizkova used to complain that Tyra would delay filming for regularly showing up many hours late, so we know that’s an issue with her.

Not only does Tyra miss out on sharing the manicure session with the girls (but still goes through with it anyway because it’s been three months since she had her nails done last) she really fucking rushes through the fitting, presumably make up for lost time. Basically, she just shoves clothes at the models and swears they’ll look great, all the while complimenting herself on running the fastest model fitting ever. Can you really call it a fitting it no clothes are being tried on, though?

If you take the show at its word that the models left the photo shoot to go directly to film their PSAs, that would explain the extra time crunch. My favorite part is that Drew swears he “rushed” the scripts over to Tyra to read the PSA narration for the spots, even though you know Tyra isn’t doing anything in a hurry. She just got her nails done, give her a break. It’s pretty obvious her narration was added weeks later in post production and the judges were viewing an incomplete product.

Whether the choice to use Tyra was done out of necessity since the girls had run out of time to record their own audio, or the company airing the PSA wanted Tyra’s voice all along since she’s a celebrity and the models are, well, not, I do not know. What I do know is it was a very odd choice either way. The judges chose the winning group based on how “personal” they made their message feel, even though the message wasn’t remotely personal when their first person statements were spoken by Tyra Banks.

In case you need any of the following statements read by Tyra as your ringtone, I very quickly recorded some audio files:

“But I am not a terrorist.”

“But I am not stupid.”

“I am good enough, strong enough, and pretty enough.”

(Sorry, they’re not the best quality, but like Tyra, it was a rush job.)

The next day at judging, Tyra Banks is proud to show off the photographs she took of the girls. I see from the general ANTM fan community that they liked these shots, but I personally found most of them to be pretty meh. I swear I’m not just saying that so I can make fun of Tyra - I’ll admit she’s shown some pretty strong photographer chops in some cycles past.

I think the biggest problem is the concept. The symbolism of having supportive hands reach out to you sounds good in the abstract, but in actuality looks a little creepy?

Poor Khrystyana just poured her guts out about being molested, and this photo looks more like she’s reliving that experience than overcoming it what with the hands feeling up her body and even going beneath her strap.

Of course, since Tyra took the photos, none of the judges are going to offer up any criticism like that. Tyra praises her own ability to get good shots from the girls by making them feel safe and allowing them to “connect.”

The way she gestures the word connect might even be more creepy than her molesty photos!

On one occasion, Law compliments Sandra for her photo and Tyra apparently wants more credit herself and interjects.

Knowing who signs his checks, Law quickly agrees that Tyra deserves all sorts of credit for her brilliant photography. He’s so aware of the need to kiss Tyra’s ass, that when the next model comes up, he gives adoration “both to the model and the photographer,” which Tyra gleefully eats up.

Tyra also pretty much eats up Ashley in front of the models after Ashley teaches her the expression “thighbrow” - which is the crease line that forms on a thigh. I will say that I like - for once - that Tyra seems to have genuine affection for the other female judge on panel rather than the usual rival. 

Just how good are all the photos that Tyra took? So good that the judges couldn’t possibly decide which is the best, apparently. I mean, it’s always a subjective exercise to rank the photos, but they somehow manage to do it. But now that it’s Tyra’s works being analyzed, nearly every shot is a masterpiece.

Tyra calls up seven of nine (not the Star Trek character) to receive their photos right off the back and says for the first time in Top Model history it’s a seven-way-tie for best photo. The reason it’s never happened before is because this outcome is entirely stupid.

For the record, I think Sandra has the best photo, and I feel compelled to point that out since I’m always ragging on her pictures. That she has to share this honor with just about everyone else so that can Tyra can feed her own ego is… well, expected if we’re being honest. 

2. Her Name Is Rio And She Dances on the Sand(ra)

Did I jinx Rio when I called her “cool, smart [and] relatable” a couple weeks ago? Maybe Liz left some crazy germs behind in the house, because Rio picked up her slack and just about lost her damn mind. I’m worried that the brain surgeons might have taken more than just a tumor from Rio’s head.

It’s Rio’s sister’s graduation day, and Rio seems to have a lot of guilt about being unable to attend the event. All graduations are pretty much the same, so I’d personally be stoked to have a valid excuse to miss it. Tyra Banks did her own loved ones a solid by not inviting them to her Harvard graduation because it didn’t exist she didn’t want to make them sit through the tedium.

When Patrick Starrr shows up to the house on the same day, Rio takes it as a sign that she’s supposed to win the challenge because her sister is such a big fan of the YouTube personality, so much so that she’s floored when Sandra, someone who has experience doing beauty videos online, beats her.

Sorry, Rio, but “my sister loves Patrick Starrr” isn’t the kind of slam-dunk storyline that the producers would need to rig the outcome for the challenge. In fact, I doubt it would have even gotten mentioned at all if it didn’t set up all the drama to come.

Rio cannot even muster a positive face for Sandra, sulking out of the room. She resents having to compete against “Little Miss Princess” and describes Sandra’s appeal as “a Kim Kardashian thing, all shade intended.” Sandra’s physical resemblance to KK is strong, but something tells me she’s going to make her name for something other than a sex tape.

The ladies get a night out at a restaurant and Rio calls for a toast to her little sister’s graduation. The models happily comply, but then Rio hijacks the dinner conversation to put Sandra on blast.

Rio tresents Sandra for depriving her of winning it for her sister. She feels like she let her family down. I guarantee that her sister isn’t upset that Rio didn’t win over a YouTube personality’s approval by putting scotch tape all over her face, but if she is, skip that brat’s birthday party, too.

According to Rio, Sandra has it super easy and she’s like the most popular girl at school who gets everything handed to her.

Rio’s attack is not just hard to watch because it’s needlessly aggressive, but because it’s wrong and misplaced. Sandra is most definitely not coasting by on her beauty - she’s been criticized by the judges for not doing enough in every single photo so far.

Let’s also not forget that Sandra is Muslim. There’s a lot of bigotry in this country directed at Muslims, so it’s hard to imagine she’s always had as easy of a time as Rio indicates. Pretty or not, Sandra’s going to have a lot of obstacles in this industry.

I give a lot of credit to Sandra in this moment for keeping her cool. She recognizes that this feud is all based on Rio’s insecurities, so she resolves not to change herself to cater to whatever problems Rio has invented.

Human beings, by nature, are not always rational, so I’d be willing to give Rio a pass on this issue if she’d retroactively own up to the fact that she lost her head for a moment there. On social media, though, she’s asked people to put themselves in her shoes to understand why she acted that way, which is definitely not the same thing as extending an apology to Sandra. Not a good look, Rio.

Fortunately for Rio, what is a good look is her photo. She’s glowing and she’s not even wearing a prosthetic pregnant belly. I certainly wasn’t expecting her to pull off a top callout after getting such a negative edit, but Tyra works in mysterious ways.

The editing is sloppy and makes it look like Sandra is upset at Rio’s success but you can see her actually beaming as Rio walks by. Nice try, but it’s pretty clear that Sandra isn’t caught up in Rio’s rivalry.

I don’t want to give Sandra a total pass, though, because she gives a truly obnoxious response to Ashley’s unconventional beauty powwow where she says she has trouble relating to the other girls’ struggles because she was blessed with naturally beautiful looks.

The only response worse than that comes from Rio who admits she conformed to conventional standards of beauty and now she feels good about herself. And at dinner, Rio also says, “I had to change everything about myself to get where I am” as if that’s a good thing.

That’s really not in the spirit of Ashley’s lesson about embracing unconventional beauty and proudly being yourself. I still think Rio could win, but if she thinks becoming the high school version of Sandra is what the judges want, she’s going to blow it.

4 Funniest Moments from America’s Next Top Model Cycle 24 Ep. 5

2. Oh the Horror!

The model bus pulls up to a dilapidated mansion, which serves as the site of the photo shoot. Drew explains that Lady Gaga on American Horror Story has bridged the gap between horror and fashion. He really should give credit where credit is due, though: ANTM did it first when they thought Kelly Cutrone would make a good judge.

Drew says that the brief is for the models to act a combination of scared and fierce. Given this show’s love of invented portmanteau, you’d think at least one of the judges would jump on “FEARCE” but that never transpires. I realize that’s one you have to see rather than hear, but if ANTM is going to keep springing for graphics to spell out #NextLevelFierce and COURA-GE, they could do that here, too.

Drew introduces the freaky celebrity costume designer B. Akerlund to dress the girls and boy is she a sight for sore eyes. I mean that literally, what’s with her eyes?

B. greets the models in such a weird way that I’m going to transcribe it as spoken word poetry:

“hi models welcome to my world of horror today’s about torture and pain none of my looks are comfortable so enjoy the nightmare”

Forget costumes, get this woman a job writing next cycle’s acting script!

She’s right, the wardrobe looks terrible to wear. Drew stresses that it’s not a shoot for complainers - thank Satan that Courtney isn’t here! Christina gets locked in her own personal head prison, Jeana just visited the world’s worst acupuncturist and Rio…

Easily has the worst photo, right? The judges give it a pass because they consider it “comedy.” No doubt I laughed at it, but what the hell is that face?

Sorry, Liz, it sure looks like Rio got that prop.

On the real, Khrystyana’s hair isn’t the only thing with 50 shades of gray because there is an element of S&M to this shoot. There’s that paddle that Drew says he’s going to keep for himself (eww) and that B. says is from her own closet (double eww.) I’m not here to kink shame, but maybe let the models pose with something new rather than making them handle your used sex toy.

Speaking of sex toys, was Liz getting fit for a ball gag? Anything to make her shut up, I suppose.

I’m 100% certain that the show is taking a jab at Sandra’s chastity by positioning a skull on her crotch.

If you also buy into the symbolism, do you suppose this clip is foreshadowing?

Is Sandra finally going to lose “it”? Will her deceased poonani finally get smashed open before the cycle’s over?

I’m telling you, if Sandra has any taste whatsoever, she’ll save herself for Stacey McKenzie.

Once again the judges hate Sandra’s photo saying she looks like Lady Gaga in that the wig is wearing her rather than she’s wearing the wig. (Oh the shade on Lady Gaga!) Liberty, on the other hand, gets complimented for her wig-wearing ability.

In the spirit of this frightening shoot, I’m going to admit something that I’m most afraid to say aloud: I think Liberty’s the best model in the house at this point. This shot deserved another first call out. Welcome to Trump’s America, y’all - it’s a red state takeover!

While I’m paying compliments, I might as well say that I loved Brendi’s makeup and wardrobe and think her makeover should permanently be Harley Quinn.

And I don’t care if it barely fits the brief, Kyla just sitting and staring is STUNNING.

Congrats to Kyla on being the only pregnant model in the competition to keep her baby. She told us she is an activist, but I wouldn’t have guessed that meant pro-life.

At one point during the shoot, B. Akerlund says of Rhiyan:

If that’s supposed to be a criticism, it really shouldn’t be. Has she seen what she looks like? You’d think dead would be B’s aesthetic of choice.

I also want to highlight her complaint about Coura:

GLASS HOUSES, B. Akerlund!

3. Beauty Tips with Patrick Starrrrrrrr

Ashley Graham enters the house, but this time she doesn’t bring any pesto pasta. She’s here to talk about accepting your own body and blah blah blah… it’s really hard to pay attention because Ashley’s boobs are on display in a major way.

But, sure, I agree, big is beautiful, particularly when it’s DD.

Ashley prompts the models to talk about their insecurities and who they’ll represent with their look. Jeana’s not just doing it for the alopecia sufferers, she’s also looking forward to repping for bald men. Yeah, she really said that. I don’t know how many men with receding hairlines have been waiting for a bald lady to make them feel good in their own hairless skin, but let’s go with it!

Coura says she’s cried in cab rides home from modeling agencies (cabs? did she also drop out of driver’s ed?) that have called her “too masculine.” Coura, you bitch, that’s Brendi K’s [the K stands for Ken doll] insecurity, you can’t steal it.

Christina is more confident in her look, which Ashley acknowledges. Christina says, “I don’t want to have that I’ve-been-there-done-that attitude, but…” Nope! Stop while you’re ahead Christina. “… but like I do have the experience.”

So she doesn’t want to say she’s been there, done that, but she also wants to say that she’s been there, done that. Christina, this is supposed to be about how you’re going to be relatable to people, not come off as obnoxious.

Next she claims to be more “professional” than the other girls… in what fucking world, Christina? She’s come off as a brat since moment one.

Ashley isn’t the only guest to visit the house. Next through the door is… Oh my god! It’s… whoever that is.

I don’t watch Youtube personalities nor do I wear makeup, so I had to google Patrick Star… which is apparently a Sponge Bob character.

From there I learned that the challenge’s special guest is actually named Patrick Starrr with three R’s. That’s more R’s than Kyle’s first love, Starr, even. I’m tempted to call that stupid, but if he’s brave enough to wear that outfit, he can have all the R’s he wants, I reckon.

It makes me feel better that we don’t get any evidence that anyone aside from Rio knows who Patrick Starrr is either. I mean, I guess Tyra did, too, since she appeared on his channel, but I watched the video and it’s clear to me she did it an attempt to plug her cosmetics line more than anything. I mean, she’s snapping on her gum like she’s too good to be there.

Rather than watching the full video, I suggest you watch this compilation of Tyra testing Patrick’s patience:

Anyway, Starrr is here to shoot beauty videos with the girls for a social media challenge. The girls get some unusual items to work with in their videos, like hardboiled eggs, scotch tape, shaving cream, and condoms. There’s also “chicken cutlets,” which I’m pretty sure is of the bra padding variety, but in my head, I’m pretending the models were rubbing their faces with raw chicken because that makes the segment that much more exciting. Salmonella, here we come!

The worst two performers, as far as we can tell, are Christina and Coura. Christina is too slow at pulling tape off the dispenser (hey, sometimes it gets stuck, we’ve all been there) while Coura talks way too fast to be understood. Too slow and too fast? No wonder they end up in the bottom two. I can hear Tyra’s speech already: “You each have what the other one needs…”

Erin also seems a little lost because she’s 40-whatever and doesn’t understand social media. She’s still waiting for all her fellow contestants to accept her Friendster invites.

As for the standouts, there’s Rio, who acts a little extra if you ask me, but that’s probably not a problem for viewers of someone like Patrick Starrrrrr.

The other stars are the team of Sandra and Shanice. Sandra can’t stop laughing that she got assigned the condoms because, I don’t know if you’ve heard this, she’s a virgin. If she’s not going to stuff a cock in it, I hope she at least stuffs a sock in it, because it’s really not that big of a deal.

Shanice, though, is out to prove that she’s every bit of the freak we assumed she was since that acting challenge. She says she has three personas: Sha-Nice, Sha-Mean, and Sha-Nasty, and while handling condoms, it’s Sha-Nasty who is out to play. She tells us that she likes “hard” condoms, and that she likes them on her face. Why would you want a condom on their face, though?

Unfortunately for Sha-Nasty, that’s just a little too vulgar to win the prize unless Law is judging, so her scene partner Sandra gets the win instead. Sandra’s video will appear on Patrick’s channel, misinforming viewers that rubbing condoms on your face is a good form of beauty treatment.