Jul 5, 2019
Happy 4th Of July!!! 🎆🧨🎇 -Apas Family 👩👦👦 #4thOfJuly2019 #RomanJames #SamuelWayne #MomOf2Boys #TeamApas #ApasFamily #CEOApasFamily (at Seven Hills, Henderson) https://www.instagram.com/p/BzhCeyHnWFc/?igshid=101en440bzu24
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Happy 4th Of July!!! 🎆🧨🎇 -Apas Family 👩👦👦 #4thOfJuly2019 #RomanJames #SamuelWayne #MomOf2Boys #TeamApas #ApasFamily #CEOApasFamily (at Seven Hills, Henderson) https://www.instagram.com/p/BzhCeyHnWFc/?igshid=101en440bzu24
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Happy National Siblings Day! ❣️ I'm so happy these two forever have each other. ☺️ #RomanJames #SamuelWayne #WhitmireApasBrothers #RJA #SWA #TeamApas #ApasFamily #HappyNationalSiblingsDay https://www.instagram.com/p/BwFnUyMlVq2/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1vug63w94jxux
Hi Mommy 👶🏻🍼💗 #SamuelWayne https://www.instagram.com/p/Bv43KwGHx_5/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1c4lzzd7ppex3
Yesterday was go home day! 🏡 Thankful & blessed. 🙏🏻💖 #SamuelWayne (at Dignity Health - St. Rose Dominican, Siena Campus) https://www.instagram.com/p/BroA_jAHsLb/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1j47mw5guey7t
Hello December! 🤗🌨️☃️ This month is specifically special to me because not only is it my birthday month (Dec. 11) but it's also my baby's due date (Dec. 18) & my favorite Holiday - Christmas! 🎄🎁🎅🏻 Has anyone else ever used these belly belts during pregnancy? It's used to support the baby bump. 🤰🏻 I've only used mine a few times since my Dr. had me go on maternity leave earlier than most since I fly a lot. She wouldn't let me go past 32wks. 🗓️ That being said.. does it really work? I feel like it's mostly used for mommies who are on their feet all day. 👣😊 On that note... we can't wait to meet you 'Samuel Wayne' ! ❣️ #Sagittarius ♐ #2WeeksLeft 😱 #SamuelWayne 👶🏻 #DecemberBaby ❄️ https://www.instagram.com/p/Bq2nwuNn9Os/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=425qok2v0jko
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Sam brought me my coffee cup this morning. His sweet little face coming around the corner to the bathroom, nearly empty coffee cup in hand, me with my toothbrush in my hand. “What do we have here bug?” Oh boy…. I peer out around the corner, coffee all the way down the hall. “Awe, thanks bug.” As I finish brushing my teeth afraid of what I’ll find on the other end of the coffee stream. His eyes are so big, he holds the cup and his arms up to me. I take the cup first and put it on the washing machine- then him and we go investigate. He seems dry- that’s good. No coffee, hot or otherwise seems to have spilled on him. We make it to the living room and the entertainment center. He points at his balls because he wants to play with his beach and soccer ball…. I look the damage over from his loving attempt to bring me coffee. I had laid his clothes and diaper out, quickly realize Grammy’s going to have to tend to that as I put him down to go get a towel… maybe two. Shoes, photos, Nintendo controller… all swimming in coffee. I sop it up best I can- he keeps reaching out for me to pick him up. “Hold on bug”…. “looks like mumma’s gonna have to make coffee at work this morning”… I pick him up, bring the dirty towels to the hamper, bag up his clothes and diaper, kiss momma goodbye and we head off to Grammy’s. 18 months of being his mom…. yeah it’s going by fast, but every day is new and fun, and I can always get coffee another time. Smiling at him, picking him up, saying thank you…. this is my guy, and I couldn’t imagine loving someone more.
A year ago today was the worst day of my life: I lost our second child. I've debated what I would post today, if anything at all, but I made a promise to my Angel that I would never forget him. So, here it is: Over the last year, I have had to deal with an unimaginable loss and pain and emptiness. But, somewhere amidst all of that, I also found peace and grace and hope. God used this year, this loss for His good. Throughout this year, I turned to Him and He held me close. The morning after we had been told we were having a miscarriage, the words of Crowder's "I am" played over and over in my head ["I am holding onto you. In the middle of the storm, I am holding on."]; I still marvel at the peace this brought me. Then, a few weeks later, Hillary Scott's "Thy Will" was released. These two songs became my anthem and battle cry as I was trying to cope, as I was trying to survive. Then June came. On June 22, 2016, we found out we were pregnant, again. The excitement and fear flooded every thought and every emotion for quite some time. I was terrified of losing this baby too. I was scared to let myself get excited again. I was afraid if I began to welcome this baby, I'd forget the one I lost. Enter Bethel Music's "No Longer Slaves" ["I'm no longer a slave to fear; I am a child of God."]. I added this one to my playlist as well. Somehow- with a lot of prayer, a lot of tears, and a lot of support- I survived the last year. Even better: 18 days ago, we met our Rainbow Baby. Our family, and my heart, will always have a piece missing. I will continue to pray for all 3 of my children. I will carry Jude in my heart, until one day I can hold him in my arms. God has held me through this storm, His will was done, and I'm no longer a slave to fear. #samuelwayne #boymom #miscarriage #jude #loss #healing #rainbowbaby
Six Months Today
The whole time I was pregnant I thought I would start a journal, something I could track events/milestones in... and eventually give to my child. I drafted so many entries in my mind- but never found the right journal to use (because that seemed so important to me) and those entries are gone.... somewhere into the depths of my mind. Which- by the way is nowhere for anything to be lost!
So- here I am, a new mother, a new wife, finally biting the bullet and updating a blogpost I started over 2 years ago. New title, new profile picture, completely new journey.... and wow has it been an amazing one!
This isn’t where I thought I’d be. You know what I mean. We all have dreams of where we think we are going to be by an arbitrary age... in my case 40. It isn’t where I thought I would be, but it’s exactly where I am supposed to be. Just like you there are several things in my little world that I would love to change, but then there are key ones that make it all worth it, that help me look past the things that just aren’t adding up.
I have spent 182 days in a row with the most perfect person I could have ever imagined. On the calendar that’s 6 months... that’s how old our son Samuel is. 6 months ago today I was in the hospital in what I can only call a “love-bubble”. My wife, my son, and I... that first day felt like heaven, seriously. The support my wife offered me during labor, and in the days that followed in the hospital were second to none. She showed me just what it meant to be my wife, my partner, and our son’s “other” mother.
We stayed Friday, Saturday and Sunday... and when we got home that bubble just hung around. There were times I started to question if I knew what I was doing, but Trisha (my wife) knew, or we figured it out together. Not even 2 months married and we started a journey together I couldn’t imagine sharing with anyone else. A journey into being Sam’s moms, Sam’s family.... waking up to his sweet smile, hearing his laugh and his little voice, hearing him crying because his teeth are bothering him.... I have enjoyed six months of Sam... 182 days...
So although I thought I would journal while I was pregnant... and clearly I missed that boat. And I was looking for the right journal, and never found it. I am going to do my best to blog about this new journey we are all on together... the good, the bad, and the just plain ugly... because of course, what journal would be real if it didn’t include all sides of this journey? :)