#samirl

For SamIRL

        The Family Beach House had been in the family since my great grandparents were newly weds. It was built in the early 1900′s in a time when there was no AC so all the rooms had grates that allowed for airflow from one room to the next. You could whisper in the master bedroom and hear it in the guest room at the end of the hall. All the doors had the sort of locks you could see through and locked with a skeleton key.  

First off a disclaimer: This is simply me sharing my personal feelings and experiences with the queer community. I am in no way condemning the queer community or seeking sympathy or validation. Its just something I have been thinking about a lot in recent days.

I am Pansexual...or Bisexual. Years ago bisexual was described to me as being attracted to only Cisgender males or females, and Pansexual as being attracted to all genders (or lack of). Then, later, I was told Bisexual was attracted to only males or females either Cis or Trans but not Nonbinary genders. More recently on tumblr I have seen it debated that Pansexual and Bisexual are essentially the same. For my purposes I identify as Pansexual as I described it above

I have dated a couple Cis women, a couple more Cis men, and had a sexual relationship with a Trans man. This was all ranging from late middle school through high school and not all of those relationships were pleasant or really qualified as dating given my age at the time. For seven years I have been in a monogamous relationship with a Cis man who I am quite likely to stay with the rest of my life. 

My parents have been very accepting of and try hard to do right by my queer friends and most recently my brother’s S.O. who came out as Trans. This involved my brother explaining his Bi/Pansexuality and that he is in a homosexual relationship with a Trans man despite how his boyfriend was originally introduced to the family.  Again,  I think my Dad at least just tries to not think about the logistics because my brother’s boyfriend has not undergone “bottom surgery” so in his mind its not really “gay” ( I have explained why this is wrong he says he gets but I think he wanted to get out of the conversation).  Despite the support they give my brother  I still irrationally fear telling my parents about it. I am a Cis girl dating a Cis boy, I don’t think they would take me seriously. I think my parents would believe that I have “chosen a side” based on my relationship.  

I feel disconnected from queer community because I feel like people see me as an over eager ally and not as an actual queer person.  I feel like a faker because the typical queer issues are not mine. My boyfriend and I blend in with the heteronormativity. At pride parades I feel like no one would believe me if I told them I was Pan. I have in fact been treated shittily because I am in a heterosexual relationship.  I have been told I am not really queer, have no right to be at pride events, that I am embarrassing myself, that I am another straight trying to get attention. [Side note: This has all been from older members of the queer community who I think feel threatened somewhat by how many young people identify has Bi or Pan. They had to fight tooth and nail to get a scrap of respect or security for their relationships. I have had to fight for nothing.] The way they see it Pride is not about me and I am content to stay out of the spotlight because I have NOT suffered for my orientation but I do think it is unkind to tell me I do not belong there.

So when the Pulse shooting happened in Orlando I didn’t know how to express myself. I still don’t. I handle public tragedies, terrorism, natural disasters very privately. I feel like my support should not be highlighted (partly because I know I am not one of the community who truly suffered and selfishly out of fear that I will be seen as just another over eager ally looking for attention) so I do not blog or tweet or snap about blood donations or monetary donations.

I feel like I have no voice in the queer community speaking to the outside world because I look just like the outside world if you don’t know me- if you don’t demand to see the stamps on my queer card. I am fine with that for the most part. There are plenty of better speakers for the queer community than I. And like I said I really don’t know what it is like to be a Gay man, or a Lesbian, or Asexual, or Trans. I just know what its like to be me. Pan and feel like the community that says I belong with them doesn’t mean it. Pan and feel like neither straight nor queer people believe me.  

The queer community has been down right toxic for me so I do not participate in the greater conversation. I just have my queer friends who like me and know me and that fine I have the support I need and one day I will tell my parents and the world won’t end (I think...). But I don’t know how to grieve like a good queer kid when the Gay community is struck by violence and hatred.  Every time I have entered traditionally queer places I have been an outcast. I find support in the queer community in open territory, in the Gay, Bi, Pan, Ace, Aro, Trans, people I meet within my social circle which is defined by my personal interests not the queer community.  

I, personally, do not need to go to Gay bars, and Pride events to find people who understand me. That is mostly thanks to the hard work of the queer generation before me which made it safe for my friends to tell me their stories outside the walls of queer-safe places. I never forget that. But when tragedy strikes people who know I am Pan look for a reaction on me that I don’t know to publicly express. Of course I stand with the queer community, of course I will lend my voice if they think it will help, but I know my place is (for better or worse) in the back. This isn’t about me. I am not the voice the world needs to hear, and I am afraid to speak lest I drown out someone who has been more affected.  I want to tell the queer community I stand with you, but how do you say that to a community that didn’t stand with you when you needed it? How am I supposed to feel safe in a community that made me feel like I didn’t belong and made me feel like shit? I know the individuals involved had their reasons to lash out at me and while I think they were wrong to do so I know that they hurt more than me.

The only “queer” place I felt like I belonged was the community around the Rocky Horror Picture Show.  I loved Dr. Frank-N-Furter. Frankie was the first person to show me you can be attracted to multiple genders and not be “confused”. Columbia and Magenta were attractive and open in a way that set my confused heart aflutter. The sex positive community around Rocky Horror answered questions and allowed me to explore my developing sexuality in a community that offered a lack of judgement and people who I knew I could come to if I got in over my head. Not just peers but mentors and adult figures who knew what it was like to not know yourself well enough to describe it to others. Molly was 40-something woman who always showed up as Magenta in the sheer nightgown, bra, and apron ensemble. Sh was the one who taught me about consent. My parents warned my brother not to commit rape, but no one taught me what rape or consent was until I told her something that had happened to me.  I met people who may have been Gay, may have been Straight, may have been Bi, or Pan, may have been Ace, may have been Trans. Some were out, some were not, and it was a safe place to be either. Oh sure there were asshats, and scumbags, but I met real mentors and friends there.