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You know you're not American when...

Love Americans as we do, there are some cultural proclivities that will baffle British expats for as long as we live here.

1. Flossing Digging sharp string between your teeth everyday is standard oral hygiene procedure in America. We know we’re supposed to do this too, but it hurts and it’s boring. Most Brits probably own a tub of floss, but only dust it off before a date or dental appointment.

2. Compulsive baking This one I like, although I don’t get how people with children and jobs and pets find the time to whip up regular batches of themed, iced and elaborately flavored cupcakes, muffins and brownies. It’s America’s most family friendly superpower.

3. Sending personalized holiday cards By this, I mean those creepy Christmas cards with a family portrait on the front. The children are wearing elf outfits while the parents grin unnaturally. Inside, there’s a run-down of the family’s year and, more importantly, its achievements. I’ve even heard of people inserting copies of their kids’ report cards.

4. Talking to strangers unprompted This happens most often on public transport. I’ll be on a plane or train in the U.S., minding my own business, when someone I’ve never met will try to start a conversation. Short of pretending to be deaf and/or French, there’s nothing to be done.

5. Whooping Americans like to let the world know that they’re having fun — or approve heartily of what’s being said or done in front of them — by contorting their vocal chords into a shape that will allow them to pump out obnoxious mouth hoots, one after another. One word: earplugs.

6. Compulsive sentimentality Gushing public displays are usually meant well but give Brits the creeps. For instance, my husband and I recently checked out of a B&B after a two-night stay. Instead of bidding us farewell with a firm handshake and a receipt, the owner – a man in his 50s – latched on to me, then my man, for a prolonged hug. Just when we thought it was over, he announced, “I’ll miss you guys!” No, actually. You won’t.

7. Drinking milk Moo juice is meant for putting on cereal, adding to pancake batter and pouring in tea. Americans must have missed the memo because they drink the stuff neat. To me, this is only slightly less absurd than eating a plate of salt and pepper for dinner.

8. Ordering supersize portions In American cinemas, patrons load up with pails of soda so vast they require their own seat. They must have bladders the size of hot air balloons. Plates of food, meanwhile, more closely resemble those guilt-inducing, this-is-what-you-eat-in-a-week spreads laid out by TV diet gurus than a single course of a single meal meant for one person.

9. Taking home leftovers Thanks to the previous point, doggy bags have long been part of American restaurant culture. I can’t quite bring myself to make off with my unfinished fare. It feels… icky. Plus, I’ve usually overeaten, and I’m convinced I’ll never want to look at food again. Naturally, I regret this decision in the morning.