vaguing frustrations about my dad (please for the love of god—ignore if you’re triggered by salty venting posts or anything involving dad/daughter dynamics)
also as a disclaimer (before anyone pops off at me about “ableism”): i am diagnosed autistic (L2/MSN) and also adhd (so: audhd), and my dad is not diagnosed, but i strongly suspect he is also audhd. so it comes into play here for both of us.
anyway, tonight he comes home and brings me an iced capp (bless, but i also paid for it), and he immediately launches into baseball (again). the blue jays, playoff standings, player stats, the whole stream-of-consciousness rundown he falls into like clockwork. i listen all the time, and i don’t normally mind. he’s undiagnosed autistic, and sports are one of his clearest special interests (hockey and baseball, mainly), and i understand how grounding those patterns and stats can be.
and i’m fine with it so long as this behaviour is reciprocal (to an extent). like, if you are going to talk at me, i’d like to be able to talk about my special interests too, even if they bore you, but i won’t lie that the dynamic wears me down because he can talk for 40-60 uninterrupted minutes, looping from one topic to the next but all the while also lowkey demanding i pay attention (just like, prompting me). and then, at the end of it (almost like a reflex) he’ll finally remember that he’s like, “supposed” to ask me something too. but the key here is he doesn’t care about the answer at all.
and that’s exactly what happened tonight. AGAIN.
after his entire monologue about the blue jays, he suddenly turns and goes, “so… how’s that game you’ve been playing? that strange one?” and so i started to talk about it and he completely stopped paying attention and began talking over me and i wanted to scream. and i’m tired of how he always had a vague, clumsy attempt to show he’s paying attention—but it was so clear he hadn’t been listening earlier, or paying attention at all immediately after asking. he never engages. he never replies. and he’ll even go as far to go “i’m watchjng the game” when i’m mid-explanation, but i’m still supposed to answer like it’s a real question—like it matters to him. otherwise i’m the bitch if i tell him i don’t want to talk about it.
and what makes me feel like i’m about to unravel is that he can do this (space out, change topics, only ask about my stuff out of obligation) and it’s fine—socially, emotionally, relationally, it’s fine. and literally no one faults him for it. there’s always a rationale. he’s “in his own head.” he “meant well.” but i don’t get that leeway. ever.
i’m diagnosed autistic, and still, i have to read the room perfectly. i have to stay regulated. i have to mirror back the interest, maintain the right tone, stay soft enough to not seem annoyed, stay expressive enough to not seem cold. i have to perform warmth even when i feel invisible. and if i don’t, if i sound distant or checked out or fed up, i know exactly what i’ll be labeled. i’ll be difficult. i’ll be rude. i’ll be “uninterested.”
he gets praised for 10%, and i’m expected to run at 110% just to meet the bare minimum.
and it’s not just frustrating—it’s demoralizing. it makes me feel like a placeholder. like my presence only matters as it reflects something back to him. i am there to nod, to echo, to affirm. but when it’s my turn, the room goes hollow. the attention dissipates. and when i call it out or even just feel it too loudly, i’m the one seen as selfish. when in reality, i’m just starved for reciprocity from them. i’m just tired of being polite about the fact that my inner world gets treated like background noise while his gets treated like the main broadcast.
and then to top it off i lose (temporarily) my phone charger (the good one) and am having a mini meltdown while trying not to have a big one because it’s 2:15am (ish) (when that happened) and he’s getting irritated with me and telling me to calm down, and that only serves to make me more angry on top of all of this shit, and i was already annoyed with him to begin with, and so then we searched for another but found it in the end (after settling initially on the extra he and i found), and i just want to rip my hair out of my head lmao.
and don’t even fkn get me started on talking about hacks or tdwp/tdwp2. i’ve had several mean (downright nasty) comments from both parents about my “obsession” with either—for simply talking about them briefly.
idk where this rant is going. i’m just fucking tired of being here sometimes.
