Suicide Note #4
Once he finished writing his suicide note, he crumples it up and tosses it on his bed. He grabbed his bag and stalked out of the house, not talking to any of his family. He walked to a lake on the quiet side of town and sat on the steps that lead underwater, not knowing whether to act upon his note or not.
Dear Whoever Finds This,
I don't get why I was put on this planet. Maybe it was to protect Sydney. Maybe it was to give Ariel some kind of family after the car accident. Or save Remy when no one else would. Or hear Sophia complain about her "awful" brother. Or give my dad something to beat on. Or make Riley less bitter. Or make Arty happier. Or give Alyss those two pennies so she didn't have a panic attack. Or maybe it was to make someone smile back home, hearing a garage band consisting of one. Either way, I don't know the specific answer. Maybe some people don't. some might, but I don't feel needed. I cheer people up sometimes, but that's it, really.
I'm sorry.
Sydney: I'm sorry, Sydney. God, you probably hate me right now. All I've ever done is try to protect you, and I can't even protect myself. Big brother is a big coward. I know I let you down. I shouldn't leave you alone on this planet with Dad, but damn jeez, I can't take much more. That man that kicked us out ruined me. I tried my hardest to make sure I got his wrath, not you, and I know he hurt you. There was no way I could've kept you shielded forever. The reason I only had friends over and never went out was because there was no way I could trust him alone with you. I know I let you down. You thought I could do anything. I was your Peter Pan, you were my Wendy. Minus the romance. But this lost boy can't fly anymore.
Riley:Â I know, Riley. You're pissed off. You talked me out of it last time, and we became closer. You told me to talk to you whenever I got bad. But I'm not good at talking about this. It's almost like it's not even a part of me. But it is. A dark, sick, twisted part of me that I want to bury. But I can't. Honestly, I've struggled with these thoughts for years and have hurt myself in other ways that have clearly not killed me. But I'm sure they'll update you on scars when it comes to the autopsy report. Besides that... I know you tried your hardest to protect me and the rest of us, but you can't protect me from what's on the inside; you can't protect me from myself. You just can't. Call this a loss, because it's over.
Sophia: I can only imagine your reaction, Soph. You told me that I've saved you a few times, just by listening. And I really wish it were mutual, but it's hard for me to talk to people about this. Only one person will understand, and that's only because we met through this. I don't know if you're going to be angry or sad, just try not to be. Life will go on, you'll keep writing your incredible books, and you don't even have to make up a persona of me. Plus, you can have Cat. That's what I named the cat, and you were probably right, I'd kill him, so I figured he'd be better off with you. You can definitely take better care of him than I could.
Ariel: I don't really know what to say. Out of all people, you were probably the least exposed to my mood and don't know all the specifics of what I went through and what happened back home. You were like my best friend, someone I refused to look weak in front of. I'm your baby brother, even if we're not fully related. You shouldn't have to deal with this, and I'd much rather do this without you. Not in a bad way, because I don't know how I'd cope if it were switched, my baby brother or Sydney killing themselves. I don't know how I'd do it, honestly. I probably couldn't. But that's besides the point. I just want you to keep smiling, you're a mermaid, you can swim as long as your heart can hold out and even farther.
Arty: I'm really, really, really sorry. I know you wanted a relationship, and I desperately wanted one too. But.. I'm no good, Arty. I wouldn't have been good for someone as flawless as you. I know I promised I'd show you one day how beautiful you are to me. And I'm sorry I failed you on that. But I do still want you to believe it. You deserve to see it, I can't imagine having an incredible soul and a cute face like yours and not liking something about it. I know this must be awkward and confusing for you, you saw me at what you thought was my weakest, all bloody and banged up and even drunk, and here I am now, even worse. All I want you to know is that I'm extremely sorry. I was so scared I was going to hurt you because I knew I would've, but I didn't want to go on without you so... Here I am.
Remy: I know you're mad. You're mad. I should've talked to you. I should've called you or texted you or something but sometimes all these desperate calls and hugs aren't enough, the thoughts keep coming back stronger and stronger. Maybe that's a sign I shouldn't be here, you know? And I realize that I can go back, I can burn up this note and call you, but... Honestly, I don't want to. I still want you to keep fighting. This is your war. You need to fight and win and I know it's gonna be hard but one day you're gonna have a family and you're gonna look back on these rocky days and smile that cute, crooked little smile and know that you did it. You're a warrior.
I'm sorry.
Sincerely,
Ryder Willis
AKA
Peter Pan
