Headcanons: Crankegos ⚙️
Aight, we’re doing this so buckle up, because I got a lot to share!
Note: I consider Memento one, but he’ll be in another post with Mori where I’ll go more into-depth about them both.
Mad Mike
Runs both an ice cream shop and an ice cream truck (he changes outfits depending on which he’s working at).
Once owned a highly successive business.
But it was shutdown after Silver Shepherd discovered that the ice cream was being laced with drugs.
Since then Mike tries to stop doing that..but once in a while he’ll put a tiny bit of cocaine in a scoop or two (claims it’s “extra sugar”).
Loves to bake on his days off.
Contrary to his song, he’s got a soft spot for kids and never drugs their desserts.
Struggles with his own addictions from time-to-time, but he’s getting better at dealing with the withdrawals.
Very flirtatious.
Also fluent in French, so that gives him extra brownie (pun intended) points.
Somehow, someway..he’s evaded police ever since the encounter with Silver.
Not very good at talking about his or other people’s problems...so he usually just whips up some ice cream as a temporary solution!
His eyes turn to pink and blue swirls whenever his sanity dips or if he wants to hypnotize someone who insulted his business practices.
Mike’s just a bubbly guy all around.
Blank
One of Ethan’s less malicious dark egos.
Embodies his anxiety and nightmares (though mainly the former)
Blank himself has severe anxiety issues that tend to make him panic over small things.
Corroded teases him for being a crybaby sometimes, but he can’t help he’s overly-emotional.
Gets very self-conscious of his acne/black eyes/appearance in general, afraid of scaring people away.
Has bluish-pale gray skin.
Likes wearing baggy clothing, though it’s really only to hide the wilted vines and black veins that wrap around his arms and legs.
When he has a breakdown, black oily tears stream down his face, he shakes violently, the room get abruptly cold, and he mumbles unintelligible gibberish.
It can go on from a few seconds to almost 15 minutes straight. It's extremely hard to snap him out of it.
Has haptephobia (fear of physical contact), but he’ll let people he’s close with (like the other egos) make contact with him.
Hates being thrown in with the rest of the dark egos.
Corroded
The first of Ethan’s dark egos, albeit the more forgettable one.
He’s a rusted robot, with gray/brown skin that’s metallic in some areas (especially on his face and hands).
Completely hollow inside (physically) except for metal “bones” keeping himself together.
His eyes are also empty sockets instead of being purely black.
Like Anti he’s a glitching entity who induces paranoia in people with hushed whispers and clones of himself.
Bitter to Ethan about being used for the 5-year anniversary poster advertisement, despite that not being his intention at all.
Also resents Blank for becoming the more popular dark ego.
Regularly drinks oil.
If you call him an animatronic he can and will decimate you.
His biggest pet peeves are being taken for granted and being called a “dumb robot”.
A major weakness is his legs being so rusted they lock up and he can’t move for a long while.
Heapass
A punkish prisoner who’s best friends with Yancy.
He’s been arrested for smoking illegal drugs, dealing said drugs (with Mike, who managed to escape officers while ditching him in the process), and excessive speeding/reckless driving.
But he was sent to HTP for a fatal hit-and-run (while he was smoking grass behind the wheel).
Doesn’t talk a whole lot, but he likes to stand around and smugly grin like he’s got a trick up his sleeve.
Spoiler: He doesn’t, and if you were to ask Yancy about him he’d tell you Heap is one of the sweetest people he’s had the honor of meeting.
He did break his arm during a brawl (tho he told the warden he fell in the yard).
He’s good at keeping secrets. He has no reason to gossip unless you insult his family.
Also dyed his hair black. Just because.
Jake
Was among the many bright scientists trying to find a cure for the spontaneous zombie plague.
He was also Prof. Beauregard's assistant.
Though unfortunately he didn’t last long before he ended up turning.
Surprisingly he still retains much of his scientific knowledge.
But he can’t wrap his rotting brain around complex formulas.
So he’ll sometimes try to mix chemicals and write notes--both of which turn out to be huge messes.
With the other Crankegos, Jake has his own lab.
He gets agitated easily, so he’ll go there to calm down if he needs to.
Can still speak normally, though his voice is extremely scratchy and he hates repeating himself.
So Yahoo often translates for him.
Likes being with a group of zombies...humans not so much.
Though since the Crankegos aren’t exactly human, he doesn’t mind them at all.
Bernice
She’s the gothic mother hen of the Crankegos.
Though at the same time she’s a vicious mama bear if you dare cross her and/or her family.
She’s stern with Mike and Corroded, but very soft towards Heap, Jake, and Blank.
The prisoner often looks to her as a mother, since he didn’t have the best relationship with his own growing up.
Loved red, black, and silver makeup. Especially eyeshadow and mascara. She makes sure to visit the dye shop every so often to keep her hair a bright red.
No one knows how she pays for all those times. But she does it.
Very sassy and likes to show-off a lot, though she’s not a narcissist.
She’s very generous, too, and can’t stand the thought of being completely obsessed with only her own happiness.
Don’t ask her if she feels weird being the only female Crankego. She’ll break your kneecaps.
Cries at animal rescue/adoption commercials all the time.
Likes wearing meme shirts to be “hashtag relatable”.
She says it exactly like that and Ethan, Heap, and Mike groan every time she does.
Saint
He’s a very holy man, of course, with much dedication to the church.
While Saint doesn’t say what church (or even what his name is for that matter) he’s from, he practices good teachings.
Scolds people if they constantly curse/take the Lord’s name in vain.
He tried integrating memes into his teachings so younger generations won’t be as bored during mass.
But when Jeremiah (Priestiplier) proofreads his writings..he just shakes his head in disapproval.
So those never see the light of day.
Thinks Blank, Corroded, and Jake are horribly cursed and regularly tries spraying them with holy water.
He just gets three annoyed inhuman beings glaring at him.
Heap and Mike confess their recent sins to him sometimes. It helps them get stuff off their chest.
Though Mike always starts out by saying “I’ve been very naughty-”
And Saint has to stop himself from slapping him with the book.
Beyond that, he’s just an all-around good dude.
Yahoo
Like Bing and Google, he’s a search engine-based android designed to answer people’s questions.
Often speaks in a soft and sincere tone of voice, though he can be firm when necessary.
One of his eyes is more cybernetic than humanlike, and it’s capable of many functions including infrared and x-ray scanners, as well as being able to instantly identify any individual he sees.
That’s how he got to know all of the Crankegos so easily.
He’s on good terms with all the Googles...except for Blue, of course, since he thinks he’s just another rival.
But Yahoo still tries to be kind regardless.
Unfortunately some take advantage of that, though Bernice and Mike usually come to his defense.
He’s terrified of water and viruses..so he tends to stay away from Blank and Corroded.
When he’s recharging, both his eyes glow purple under his eyelids.
He’s got a lot of service features, including Yahoo! Finance (to help with personal finances), Answers (a q&a), and Mail.
Kinda misses the funky logo the company had from 1996-2013
