#sadrant

why do the online friends all have to (mostly) be close to each other and none of them ever close to me 😢 i don't want to need to spend many hundred dollars on plane tickets I want to be able to land travel to more than 500,000 people before needing to get on a boat. stupid baka island in the middle of the stupid baka ocean.

Thinking that someone actually wanted you and gave a shit but now it just feels like only sex. But u like really mentally fucked up and it sorta makes you feel valid???? Idk man, everything's just fucked.

Tonight, I'm craving all those nights where I didn't sleep near enough but I had people surrounding me who wanted me around. I was only a text away from friendship and compassion at any given moment. How did I get so far away from that? I long for companionship; romantic and platonic. Having had a taste of that companionship again for a day is making it even harder to convince myself that I don't care. I do care. I care so desperately. I want to share my love. I want to care for someone. I want them to care for me. I guess I'm overwhelmingly lonely.

From the moment I bummed a smoke off of him at the small venue that night, something was different about him. It was something I needed to have. From the moment I had first gotten a taste of him personality, I was already addicted. The way he laughed, smiled, walked, spoke, glanced at me, enjoyed music, spoke about life, took a drag from his cigarette. Everything. Everything about him was addicting. Never once did he stop being anything less than a human being I craved and needed. We connected and got along like we had been together for 70 years. I still lay in bed at night thinking about the way he would drive with me at night. The times we lived together. The distance weeks apart. The 13 hour road trip. The scares. The lies and the problems. He is still my soul mate. I hope he's laying his head down now thinking about something sweet. Although I wish he was laying his head on my chest. Some days from start to finish its all about focusing on breathing. Focusing on going through my daily functions knowing he's out there, just not with me. Knowing the love of my life is driving along with no one asking how his days are, no one to wipe away his tears and no one to stare at the stars with. But who knows. Love is one sided and love is all in your head. Medicating day after day to the strongest dose will overcome thinking about it every second. Dreaming about all the old times when my eyes shutter close finally. I never want to wakeup from walking on the beach with him when my eyes are closed at night. Now all I will do is pray he meets me again just like when I was 17 smoking a cigarette at that show.