#sadness;

where does this saddness come from?

i remember when i met my dad after i became an adult... raised by my mother and stepfathers i had only met my real dad a few times as a child...mostly in passing at my grandmas house...

i was 21...on the brink of suicide...i was living alone for the first time ever... i was ok during the day, busy, working...at night...i suffered. alone. sad. lonely.

i had broken up with my girlfriend and had a broken heart. with little to no sleep, i spent my nights talking on live chat lines, just looking for anything.

i started to plan my suicide... determined... but unable to do so with out first meeting my dad...i called a number from the phonebook and left a message crossing my fingers i had the right person.

we met not long after that...it was strange to look him in the face...a face similar to mine, in fact like looking in a mirror. i didnt loook like my mom or brothers, they all looked like each other and i looked different. (they still look the same and i still look different)... but this time...i sat there staring into my own face...i felt a differnt kind of connection.

i had wondered why he never called...never came..needed to know before i was gone. with out me asking me had said ... i always felt guilty for signing the adoption papers (first step adopted me) and didnt feel i had the right to just call or come by. i always hoped you would call.

then he said...i remember when i saw you one time when you were about 2 and there was such saddness in your eyes and i always wondered why.

and i thought then...and know now....