I found many reasons to not want to do HRT.
One of those is I'm hoping I'll look like my mom when I'm older.
If not my mom, my grandma.
That way, if my mom is gone by then, which is looking likely... I get to remember her everyday. One of the things I'm always terrified about is forgetting what she looked like, sounded like, her smile, every single laugh line I've traced growing up. Her laugh is the most bright and infectious I've ever heard.
But.
But if she's not gone, and I do get to grow older with her, then I get to remind her of her mother's face every time we video.
She always said I looked just like grandma. I think I only got to meet her once, and I think it might have been right before she died. But I would really love it. I'm really hoping. I really want something of my family to carry with me. Anything, almost. Almost anything I can see or trace back or hear.
It's a bit whimsical for a wish... but what else are wishes. Facts? Lol.
But yes... I've begun go solidify it. This is part of why I don't want hormones. I don't want to change anything one way or the other, I just want to see my mom.
I should probably tell her this. I've heard of this man who thought eulogies were a waste, because it's every single thing that person will never know, nor hear.
Not while they're here. Not while they're listening.
I've been thinking about every single person I want to tell their eulogy or obituary to. Most of them, I'm very sad and afraid to reach out because I'm likely dead to them in some way. But my mom is one of the last people that, though she's fucked up, she's still here. Listening. I should probably tell her.
I wanna talk to my mom... i miss her...
