#s8!buck

He should want to do something if it's supposed to make him feel better, if it's supposed to be better for him, right?

Josh told him to bulldoze ahead and tell Tommy what he wanted. Tommy told him to re-enact his Buck 1.0 days and spend time with some indeterminate amount of people until he finds someone forever. Maddie and Chim told him to start dating again and also wait for the universe to bring him someone special; another someone. Hen and Eddie told him not to contact Tommy.

He doesn't want to do any of that! He wants to talk to Tommy, to see him, to get Tommy to talk to him instead of giving up on them and running away because he's scared. He wants to tell Tommy he loves him. He wants Tommy to know first and last aren't mutually exclusive. He wants to yell at Tommy, and kiss him, and hold him. He wants Tommy to apologise for breaking his heart and for being a dumbass. He wants Tommy to believe him when he says he won't do the same; well, he might be a dumbass sometimes - but he would never break Tommy’s heart. He wants to apologise for jumping ahead but also not have to apologise for wanting a life with Tommy or for being too much.

Since that first night Tommy kissed him, he's felt reborn. Not in some starry-eyed way that Tommy seems to think is fake and won't last, but in the way that he's shed the skin of past Buck upgrades and finally grown into his body, become comfortable in who he is instead of trying to fit a facade that other people would accept. Always too big, too much, not enough, never content to just sit in his self and be without his worries and insecurities moulding him into something else, something with a better chance of getting people to like him, love him, stay with him. 

He’s never felt more himself or more at ease in a relationship that meant something to him than he did with Tommy. Never felt more wholly seen - the good, the bad, and the too-much and not enough - by his partner and adored anyway, wanted anyway.

Halfway through making swiss meringue buttercream instead of breakfast, he realises he's thinking about Tommy. His coping skill, as Bobby called it, has stopped working.

There's butter and sugar in the creases of his hands and nailbeds even after he hurriedly wipes them with the dishcloth over his shoulder. He can see it as he scoops up his phone from the charger and thumbs over to his message thread with Tommy, leaving greasy crumby residue on the screen.

i saw you bubbling

After it happened, after the Chief distracted everyone enough for him to grab his phone and retreat somewhere he wouldn't be disturbed, he'd stared at the space where the unsent message had appeared for twenty minutes waiting for the type bubble to reappear. Waiting for Tommy to hit send on whatever he'd backtyped.

Buck's mind had spiralled with all the possibilities and while it spiralled and he stared and waited he never got around to actually calling or texting Tommy himself. And then the bell rang.

He has time, now. He has things he wants to say.

you were going to tell me something an maybe i wont like what it was but just knowing you almost reached out is kinda driving me crazy bc i have a fridge full of baked goods bc everytime i think about calling you i bake and now i havnt cooked a proper meal in my own place in over a week bc i dont have room in my damn fridge to store anything besides chocholate chip bananan bread and baked alaskas

He wants to say: and it's all your fault! but that's not the whole truth. Buck played his part in this, set the wheels in motion that drove Tommy away from him. But how the hell was he supposed to know that? And Tommy should've known by now he doesn't really do 'slow'.

i'm not sorry for being too much bc i shouldnt haveto apologize for being myself

Screw it. Can't get any worse, right? Tommy's getting all of him whether he likes it or not.

i dont see you as some queer life coach or someone to fill space until someon else comes along

thats not who i am

i thought you knew me better than that but whatevr ig

i wanted to live with you bc i want a life with you bc i love you

i love you

i shouldve said that first

Send after send, typing like a man possessed, he gets out everything that's been pent up inside him since the shock wore off a week ago.

His chest is heaving as the adrenaline rushes through his veins. And his eyes sting. He has to blink away tears as he reads over the last message.

He never told Tommy. Tommy doesn't know. Maybe Buck wasn't sure that night Josh asked him, but he knows it now.

i wanted you to be my last

He still does.

i wanna hate you for giving up on us

but i cant seem to hate you

This whole thing would hurt a lot less if he could just hate Tommy for what he did. It would hurt a lot less if they could find a way through this mess, together, and come out the other side stronger because they know each other better and know they want to fight for what they have.

Real love is worth fighting for. Red taught him that. Real love isn’t found, it’s made. Old gay Thomas taught him that.

Well, Buck found Tommy. Or, the universe did. And he’s going to fight, dammit, because he wants to build a future with Tommy. 

His vision has blurred with hot tears. Movement on his screen catches his attention from where his gaze had drifted over to the couch where Tommy had stayed to take care of him through his Billy Boils saga.

Tommy is bubbling him.

Buck’s heart lurches in his chest. His breath catches.

can we talk?

There’s a huff of something like manic laughter as he swipes at his snotty nose.

that’s what i typed

Hope blooms in his chest, sudden and bright and painful in the best way.  

can we?

I think I owe it to you to yell at me in person

There’s a long moment where Buck tries to return his breathing to normal but its bated as he watches three little dots appear, then disappear. 

Then reappear. 

Then disappear.

Then:

I don’t want to give up on us either

Buck’s tears are still making his vision watery, but now they’re tears of joy. He did what he wanted to do - he reached out. And Tommy heard him.

a lot if not all of the characters could have actually worked through their issues and grown if they'd had someone unbiased and qualified to talk to - instead of getting shitty advice and treatment from those too close to them and have it "fixed" [re:glossed over] with a *handwavey* happening that steamrolled over the emotional potholes instead of patching them up.

i'm dead serious: i think it could've saved season 8.

bc it's not some untried method - they've done it before! multiple times! it works! the characters get to unload without feeling judged or like a burden, etc. their feelings are acknowledged, but they also gain awareness of those around them, and above all implement some thoughtful advice afterwards.

instead: we got bobby treated like a therapist in the early eps by everyone, terrible ooc advice given to buck throughout, and a few oddly shoehorned scenes where both buck and eddie separately talk to bobby's priest as a therapist stand-in. none of it made any notable positive difference bc no one actually learned and grew from it bc how could they?

Buck really fucking needed the support this season. Eddie needed a fucking reality check and attitude adjustment. Hen and Chim both needed someone to talk to. and Maddie, i mean ffs.

imagine: Buck returning to therapy after Bobby dies bc he feels trapped at work and feels unsupported and guilty about that, and he's also heartbroken and pining, and gerrard is back, and he's homeless again, and his best friendship is broken, and–

they could've ended the season on an in-progress fix instead of claiming everything was fine for Buck despite his life being in shambles. he deserved that much.

but since that's not what we got: the start of s9 should have buck not at the 118 / finally leaving after the opening disaster.

either he's already working elsewhere or he finally gets his transfer approved by going over chim's head (hell, maybe gerrard approved it) so he can have the time away that he needs.

because it's not fair that bobby had time away in a new location after resigning and eddie had time away in a familiar location after injury and hen studied to be a doctor..

meanwhile: buck is desperate to deal with his grief and get away from people treating him poorly, with history of wanting to get off the damn hamster wheel and figure out what he really wants - with tim saying as much too - and yet.

s9 has a chance to fix this and finally let buck be his own person - rather than continue having his feelings and choices belittled and ignored by his found family, treated like a kid and not the adult he's grown to be.

time and space will be good for everyone but crucially allow Buck to settle in himself more fully, give opportunity for those new friendships he wants, give us different locations and characters, and develop buck's storyline as he figures out his next steps: career, relationships, home, but also living life outside of his job - a social life! creative or physical hobbies! enrichment outside the enclosure!

LET BUCK'S NARRATIVE FUCKING BREATHE 😮‍💨