#s10m6

~

[splashing footsteps]

ZOE CRICK: Thanks for coming with me, Five. Sorry it’s all drizzly and muddy. You don’t mind me just calling you Five rather than Canton Five, do you? Well, obviously not. That’s what I’ve always called you. It’s only... Since Abel Five and all the rest went missing, people have started getting a bit emotional about it.

I know Amelia’s been running you ragged. She’s been running herself ragged, too. I’m not even at Abel, and nothing feels right with all of them gone. Amelia says she’s going to find them, and let’s be honest, she always gets what she wants. But this time just seems different.

Brent Valmont wasn’t who I expected to hear from when Phil and I opened up the lines for a call-in today. Amelia says he’s a terrible person, which is incredible, coming from Amelia. But I don’t see how telling us about a lost shipping container full of rare animals could be part of some nefarious plot.

So I thought you and I could pick them up, Five. If they’re cute, maybe we can bring them in for the kids in our mental health support group. And if they’re not cute... highly unlikely. They’d have to be hissing cockroaches or something. Whatever they are, it’s going to be better than those otters we tried. I don’t think Sam will ever forgive us for the mess they made of his hoodie collection. Although it’s his own fault for being so lazy with his laundry.

Oh God, I really miss them. Hold on. How is it that time? Valmont said he’d get someone to meet us at the beach five minutes ago. I hope it’s Jody. I barely get to see her, now she’s in charge of Abel. Come on, Five. Race you! Only don’t go too fast because I’m not actually a runner.

~

ZOE CRICK: Look, Five, up ahead, leaning against that half-rotten rowing boat on the beach. It isn’t Jody. Much too tall. Actually, I don’t recognize her at all, do you? Hello? Are you from Valmont?

SLAVA: Hello. Yes, I am. You must be Zoe. Mr. Valmont didn’t say you’d be bringing company.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, yes. This is Canton Five. Five, this is... Someone whose name I don’t know, sorry.

SLAVA: Miroslava. It’s Slava to my friends. Great to meet you, Five. And you, Zoe Crick, First Lady of the UK.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] First Lady? Wait. [sighs] Let me just enjoy picturing Amelia’s face if she heard that. There’s only room for one first in Amelia’s life, and that’s Amelia.

SLAVA: [laughs] You’re funny. Not what I was expecting. Not the way Mr. Valmont described.

ZOE CRICK: Oh. He told you about me, did he? I didn’t actually think he knew who I was until he contacted us earlier.

SLAVA: [laughs] Are you kidding? He calls you “Amelia’s little side piece.”

ZOE CRICK: Mm. Lovely.

SLAVA: Because you’re sleeping with his wife. They are still married, aren’t they?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, I suppose. Technically. Amelia says a zombie apocalypse is as good as a divorce.

SLAVA: Come on. Let’s move. The shipping crate is that way.

ZOE CRICK: So uh, who exactly are you? I mean, what do you do for Valmont?

SLAVA: I’m his Chief Executive Operative.

ZOE CRICK: That’s one of those titles that could mean absolutely anything.

SLAVA: [laughs] You’re right! Come on. The shipping container is on a sand bar. When the tide comes in, whatever’s inside it will drown. Let’s run!

~

ZOE CRICK: There they are, Five. Look, they’re birds. Just two of them, waddling up and down the sand bar, looking distraught. The tide’s already coming in. We’ll need to wade to get to them.

[splashing footsteps]

SLAVA: They’re big. Must be 20, 25 kilo. I don’t recognize the breed.

ZOE CRICK: I think I do... but that would be ridiculous. [birds coo and honk] Five, look at those beaks. Are they – are they dodos?

SLAVA: I don’t see why not.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Because they’re extinct! This is so weird. I mean, awesome, obviously. Look at their cute fluffy faces! But what on earth are two dodos doing in a shipping container off the British coast? Never mind. Let’s just catch them first. Move nice and slowly, Five. We don’t want to spook them. [water splashes, bird honks] Oh my God! Slava, look out!

SLAVA: [shouts] Get off me, you disgusting thing!

ZOE CRICK: One on the left, Five! It’s trying to headbutt Slava.

SLAVA: Thanks for the assist, Five! Now hold it still while - [bird honks] Dammit! It’s going for Zoe’s leg with its beak.

ZOE CRICK: With its massive beak! Massive and actually quite sharp.

SLAVA: We have to get away from them.

ZOE CRICK: Oh my God, they’re chasing after us. The one on the left looks literally murderous. Why did no one ever tell me dodos were this aggro?

SLAVA: Oh well. We tried.

ZOE CRICK: What are you talking about? We’re still going to rescue them, even if they are absolutely horrible. Maybe we can let them chase us back to New Canton, then we can get more runners to help us round them up?

SLAVA: The things you Brits waste resources on.

ZOE CRICK: Not an animal lover, then?

SLAVA: They’re all just meat on legs to me.

ZOE CRICK: If you try to eat one of my cats, I would have to kill you.

SLAVA: Don’t worry. Not enough flesh on the bone, barely a mouthful. Mr. Valmont always says, “Make sure the prey is worth the hunt.”

ZOE CRICK: Oh no. Zombies heading our way. They’re all rotted and waterlogged. The flesh is falling off in lumps. We need to steer the dodos away from them.

SLAVA: Okay. Let the dodos almost catch us, and... Uh, yes. That’s it. Now speed up, but curve your run towards those rocks.

ZOE CRICK: It’s working. They’re following us, and I know the caves up ahead. They should bring us out between Abel and Canton. Come on, Five!

~

SLAVA: Almost at the caves, now.

ZOE CRICK: The dodos are still following us. Also, the zoms.

SLAVA: Those birds are fast! Weren’t they supposed to be slow and docile?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, but our records come from the colonizers who eventually killed them off. Hardly unbiased.

SLAVA: [chuckles] That’s the beauty of winning. You get to write the history. Come on, into the caves. We should be able to lose the zoms in here.

ZOE CRICK: Those zoms aren’t letting up. We can’t seem to shake them.

SLAVA: Sure we can! You see that pothole up ahead? Wide and very deep.

ZOE CRICK: You’re not thinking of a McShell?

SLAVA: When in Rome.

ZOE CRICK: But I thought you weren’t meant to do them in odd-numbered groups.

SLAVA: Every rule was made to be broken. I’ll take the left-hand passage, you and Five take the right. I’ll meet you at the exit nearest to New Canton. No time to argue. Here they come! Go, go, go!

~

[splashing footsteps]

ZOE CRICK: Slava? Slava?

SLAVA: [radio crackles] Zoe, Five?

ZOE CRICK: Maybe the rock’s blocking her signal. Hopefully she’s made it through. Can you see the dodos, Five? I should have made sure they were following us. These caves are pretty twisty and turny, but I think the exit we want is at the end of this passage. Oh, that’s not good. The way out’s blocked by a huge rock. [struggles] It won’t budge. But that can’t be right! Phil and Layla were down here rockpooling the other day. They never mentioned this!

[zombies growl]

Oh, brilliant! Some of the zoms must have evaded the McShell. Oh, I knew we shouldn’t have tried it in a three! You heard me say that, right, Five? [water pours] Jesus, and now the water’s rising! Phil said these caves flood fast at high tide. Why am I only remembering that now? No. I refuse to survive the zombie apocalypse only to drown to death a few miles from my own front door! There should be another way out further down. Come on, Five!

~

ZOE CRICK: Five, I’m sorry. Can you give me a hand over this rock? I can’t feel my feet anymore. The water’s up to my waist. Why won’t it stop rising? I’m so sorry, Five. What a ridiculous way to die, chasing after 50-pound extinct birds. 50-pound extinct birds with, it turns out, awful personalities. Amelia’s going to be furious. I think... I think I want to call her now.

AMELIA SPENS: [static] Zoe, for the last time, we are not dressing up as Jawas for Halloween! If we must go as Star Wars characters, I’ll be Kylo Ren and you can be General Hux.

[ZOE CRICK laughs]

AMELIA SPENS: What’s up? What’s the matter?

ZOE CRICK: Know how you said I should never go on missions because I’m so rubbish at them?

AMELIA SPENS: I do recall. Where are you?

ZOE CRICK: Caves. Sea caves. I’m with Five. They’re filling up with water really, really fast.

AMELIA SPENS: [sighs] Sea caves is dazzling nonspecific. Where, exactly?

ZOE CRICK: Oh, um... Wait. I filed a mission plan with Nadia like you always tell me to. She’ll have a map.

AMELIA SPENS: [shouts] Jules, get a snorkel team prepped now. Coordinate with Nadia, she’ll tell you where to send them. Tell them to take two extra oxygen tanks. My idiot girlfriend is trying to drown herself. Go, now!

ZOE CRICK: You never call me that.

AMELIA SPENS: You’ll need to be my girlfriend if I’m going to play the grieving widow. Oh no, hang on. Life partner’s better. My life partner tragically passed away while for some reason prancing around a water hazard with my chief runner. That should be worth a few points in the polls.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Will you go into official mourning?

AMELIA SPENS: Black’s always suited me rather well, so yes. Zoe, why are you prancing around a water hazard rather than running a bath for me like I asked you to?

ZOE CRICK: You’re not allowed to be cross with me when I tell you.

AMELIA SPENS: I’m already cross with you!

ZOE CRICK: Dodos! I mean, we didn’t know it was dodos originally. Not that that would have made us any less likely to go. More likely, really.

AMELIA SPENS: Dodos?

ZOE CRICK: Valmont tipped us off about them.

AMELIA SPENS: Brent. Huh. Yes, I see. He would think it was funny, luring you to your death with an extinct animal.

ZOE CRICK: Can you... Can you tell Phil that I love him? I know I don’t say it enough, or really at all, but -

AMELIA SPENS: Zoe, stop being maudlin, you know I can’t abide it. I will get you out of this. [sighs] Five, you’re the professional, for heaven’s sake. Help her. We’ll be having words when you get back to New Canton.

ZOE CRICK: It’s not Five’s fault!

AMELIA SPENS: Save your breath. Just keep treading water, keep your arms and legs moving.

~

AMELIA SPENS: Five, Zoe, can you hear me? Zoe!

ZOE CRICK: I’m here. I’m here.

AMELIA SPENS: My scuba divers are 12 minutes out.

ZOE CRICK: Oh. Okay. So... How long after drowning can you resuscitate someone?

AMELIA SPENS: Up to 6 minutes.

ZOE CRICK: You were right. I’m such an idiot.

AMELIA SPENS: Don’t. This isn’t your fault. It’s mine! You’re only a target because of me. Sorry, Zoe.

ZOE CRICK: No. It’s all right. I always knew exactly what I was getting into with you, and I did it anyway!

AMELIA SPENS: More fool you.

ZOE CRICK: It’s been good though, hasn’t it?

AMELIA SPENS: I wouldn’t change a single minute, my darling. Except this one.

[explosion]

SLAVA: Zoe, Five?

AMELIA SPENS: What the hell was that?

ZOE CRICK: Slava, is that you? Amelia, the water’s draining. I think Slava’s blasted through the wall of the cave. We’ve got an escape route!

AMELIA SPENS: Who’s Slava when she’s at home?

ZOE CRICK: I’ve got to go. I’ll tell you when I get back. Amelia?

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, there you go. I knew you were making a big old fuss about nothing. I’ll see you both in New Canton. Expect a stern lecture! [radio clicks]

SLAVA: Zoe, Five, I’ve blown a hole in the cave wall. It’s about half a click down that tunnel. You need to get to it fast before the water refills.

~

[zombies growl]

SLAVA: Zoe, Five! Quick, into the Jeep before those zoms get you.

[door slams, engine revs]

ZOE CRICK: You’re a literal lifesaver. [bird squawks] Oh my God, and you got the dodos, too.

SLAVA: They found their own way out of the caves. Must have a better instinct for self-preservation than you.

ZOE CRICK: We thought you’d lost you there.

SLAVA: Ah, got turned around in the tunnels. Sorry for the radio silence. Guess my mic took a knock on the cave wall. I could still hear you, when you were uh, talking to Amelia. Used it as a locator beacon to find you.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, yeah. Um... I think I was losing it a bit.

SLAVA: It’s funny. Mr. Valmont says Amelia can’t possibly care about you at all, but that’s not true, is it?

ZOE CRICK: For certain definitions of “care.” When I first started seeing her, everyone thought I’d lost my mind. Especially Jody. Amelia framed her for murder once, and Jody’s never forgiven her. Which, to be fair, is pretty reasonable. But I suppose there must be a reason I’ve stayed with Amelia this long.

SLAVA: I like you, Zoe Crick. I think we should be friends. We can compare life lived in the shadow of great leaders.

ZOE CRICK: As long as you don’t mind me persuading you not to believe everything Valmont says.

SLAVA: [laughs] You can try. Come on. Let’s get you and Five back to New Canton. Amelia’s waiting.