Season 10, Mission 4: Can't Stop the Boss
Not My Apocalypse
~
[van creaks]
BRENT VALMONT: Alright, Five. Letās hash this out. I really hate to show my temper, but youāve left me no choice. Are you sitting comfortably in the back of that van? Got your Valmont headset tight? Good, because I know youāll want to hear who Iāve got speaking next.
[tape recorder clicks]
SAM YAO: Five? Five, itās me. Itās Sam. Itās going to be okay, Five. Everythingās going to be alright.
[tape recorder clicks]
BRENT VALMONT: Spoiler alert: itās not.
[tape recorder clicks]
SAM YAO: Valmont said I have to tape this message. I... I donāt know how long itās been since Tunisia. He showed me the footage of your last run to the Maghreb border. Oh, you were so fast, leaving the whole Red Scorpion Army behind! They never would have caught you... if he hadnāt have been waiting in that boat.Ā Amelia always said we shouldnāt trust him. Of all the ways to find out she was right.
Valmont says heās got a mission for you, Five. He showed me the brief. Itās just a simple item grab. I donāt have every detail, but nobodyās about, nobody gets hurt... and what theyāll do to you if you refuse... I think you have to do it, Five. Just this once, I think you have to do his run.
[tape recorder clicks]
BRENT VALMONT: I know you miss him, Five. I can see it on your face. Those Valmont headcams work both ways! So Iāll make this really simple for you. You turned down all my other jobs. The assassination in Bolivia, the firebombing in Berlin! But this oneās non-negotiable. Get it done within the hour or Sam loses a thumb.
[van door slides open]
Back of the trucksā cracking open. Look at all that daylight spilling in! I know Iāve got you fighting mad, so letās channel that rage! Down the ramp, full speed ahead, just follow the street, straight along the cobbles, under the big stone arches. Donāt think of it as helping me. Think of it as saving him. Here, Iāll even let Sam play you out!
[tape recorder clicks]
SAM YAO: Itāll be okay, Five. I know it will. Remember what Janineās always saying? When things are at their darkest, a runner strikes a match. You keep the hope. No matter what, you keep that flame alive. And promise me, the first chance you get, promise me youāll run.
~
[birds coo, wings flap]
BRENT VALMONT: Mind the pigeons, Five! But take in the sights! Italy, the Vatican, St Peterās Square itself. Look at those grand colonnades on either side, the great Egyptian spire in the middle. Though the basilicaās looking a bit dowdy, isnāt it, the way the domeās collapsed in?Ā Head straight for its entrance, past the burned-out popemobile. Itās through those great big pillars where the tourists used to queue.
Itās been hard on landmarks, Five, the end of the world. The Eiffel Tower, Washington DC, poor old Red Square. Not exactly sitting pretty since Van Arkās Armageddon did the renovators in. Oh, I know. I told you the apocalypse was mine. I didnāt mean it literally. It was Sigridās passion project, Van Arksā silly plague. [sighs] He was such a stupid genius, wasnāt he? Took the blame for the disease to please that humorless wife of his. Invented immortality, but he couldnāt get the hang of spin.
ANNIE knew what they were planning, Five, long before it happened. I had her watching Sigrid, Van Ark, Moonchild, too. You donāt become a billionaire without probing your rivals. We caught their little scheme to end the world, and yes, I could have stopped it, itās true, but I know a bargain when I see one. The whole world on fire sale! Iām not the one made the end, but I like to think Iām who itās for.
[door clatters open] This is a grand old entrance, isnāt it? That distant gilded ceiling, the sunswept marble floor. All those saintly statues watching with white eyes.Ā [building creaks]Ā Careful! Sidestep to your left. The ceiling isnāt stable. Some of itās coming down.
You, me, mortal peril! Itās just like the old times, eh? Admit it, I was quite the charmer, running with your Abel crew. You were all so wonderfully obliging.Ā I always needed Sigrid gone, and V-types can be a pain, but I never lied about it being a good time, Five. As far as handy decoys go, your lot were the best.
See that body, beneath the fallen pillar? Thatās Valmont Runner Sixty-Four. Last one in before you. I warned her that this mission was a risk, but still, she volunteered! Itās amazing, the loyalty people give you in a post-apocalyptic world. So much for so little. You dig them out of burning rubble, offer them beans and a bed, and suddenly their life is yours. I used to run orphanages on the same principle. Shame my finest runnerās busy on assignment. Sheād have at least survived the masonry, unlike poor old Sixty-Four.
I know what youāre thinking, Five. How many have gone in ahead of you? Oh, Iāve lost count! Thereās something I need in that city, something hard to find, but youāve got an advantage. Youāve seen it before. We just need to be careful, with all that panacea in your blood.Ā My doctors have been draining what, a pint of plasma at a time over the last few months? Thatās plenty of samples. Your bodyās a little panacea factory now, thanks to that injection you stole! But weāve got big ambitions. Things will go much smoother if they can harvest a whole lot more!
[building creaks] Better get a move on, Five! That building really doesnāt like my people. The ceiling almost sounds upset! Turn right at the papal altar, take the tour guide passage to the Sistine Chapel. And ignore the fallen runners up ahead. Thereās no point dwelling on them, Five. Thereās no profit counting the dead.
~
BRENT VALMONT: Look up at the ceiling, Five! Soak that culture in. The Sistine Chapel, Michelangeloās masterpiece! All those gorgeous frescoes painted on the walls. Saints, sinners, serpents. And Adam, on the ceiling, about to high five God! [sighs] I was planning to steal this, but ANNIE says it wouldnāt survive the airlift. [sighs] Follow the frescoes down the corridor, the one with all the maps. Try to find an open window. You need to get outside.
Moonchild used to say my collections were ābad karma,ā that it was wrong to try to cage the world. This, from Lady Mind Control. She reminded me of my mother, Five. Ghastly, hippy-drippy woman. Stole my fatherās fortune, frittered it on ācharity.ā Said the world was full of wonders, but not a single one was ours! A thingās not beautiful until you own it, thatās the dirty, ugly truth. Knowing something might be taken is a spoiling blemish. I used to tell Amelia that. Maybe when I take her world, sheāll learn.
Itās hard to find people who understand, Five. I wake up every morning with this screaming hunger in my heart, the torture of ambition. No matter what I have, no matter who I own, I know I can do better. Itās like an engine in my belly. I know I can own more!
There, an open window. Climb out to the courtyard, quick! Have you heard much lately from that Moonchild in your head? I bet you havenāt. Maybe my panacea killed her. Maybe sheās finally dead. The Cortile del Belvedere A pope once paraded his elephant here. Thatās my kind of style! Just parked cars and a broken fountain now. See that big beige building over there? Thatās the Vatican library with the Apostolic Archives next door. Those archives hold the secret storeroom of the Catholic church, and what we wantās inside.
[laughs] I know what youāre hoping, Legs. You think my wife will come and save you, Amelia and the rest. But the truth is, theyāre not even in the game. Iāve got decoys with your shirt on from Peru to Paraguay, corpses with your DNA slung into shallow graves. Iāve got moles in the Maghreb, spies in the UK. Iāve got Amelia spun in circles, always looking the wrong way.
Sigrid, Van Ark, Moonchild, they were all small fry. Couldnāt even keep their Armageddon to a timetable. ANNIE didnāt expect their gray plague to get loose so soon. I wasnāt quite ready to put the Ministry straight down. But I was miles ahead in stockpiling, and Iāve had eons to prep since.Ā I knocked down half the satellites, razed the global village. No more cheap communications, no calling distant ears for help. The market should be nice and manageable, survivors stuck in isolated pockets. Iāve got bases like Red Scorpion all over the world, allies in armies youāve never heard. I know what happened to the last aircraft carrier, why zombies scream on roads. I am a one-man superpower. Your friends donāt have a chance!
Uh-oh! Zombie priests crawling out of the cars, and those look like Swiss Guards lurching from the buildings, the elite protectors of the Vatican with feathered caps and halberds high.Ā Well, that oneās got halberd sticking through his chest, but what can you expect from zoms? Theyāre closing in behind you, still guarding the library even in death. Thereās a car crashed through the archive wall. Thatās your way inside. Get into that building, then down to the basement. Do not let them catch you! Go!
~
BRENT VALMONT: Thatās it, Five. Keep going straight. They call this part of the archive the Bunker, where the most precious texts are kept. Frankly, Iām disappointed. I expected flaming torches, spotlights, demons dancing around the Holy Grail, not just endless dusty bookshelves.Ā [zombie growls]Ā Careful, there are zombies crushed together between some of those shelves. Stay clear of the books. Their arms are clawing out between them.
Do you know what the worst part of this church is, Five? Itās that it isnāt dead. Thereās a whole new pope in Istanbul readying teams to nab these treasures, and theyāre not the only holdouts. There are still rabbis, and imams, Buddhist monks, Mormons, Quakers, Sikhs. People who believe in gods, or hope, or just each other, joining hands to cope. Little groups like Abel brightening the dark.
It makes me so damn angry! Itās... not the apocalypse I bought! I wanted Mad Max, the Walking Dead, the first bit of The Road!Ā Ruins, misery, hopeless dread, and Iād swoop in with my hoarded cans and lift the peons up, have them rebuild in my image, grateful for the helping hand. ANNIE predicted overwhelming collapse, once the dust settled. You were supposed to get nuked offing Sigrids or implode like Sage. Those Last Riders had the right idea, until they turned V-type. But no, you had to flourish, didnāt you? All over the world. The groups that defy the odds. The Maghreb, Arcadia, Abel, Vashisht. That galling, glowing 1% like aniseed in the stew!
There, see that staircase behind the red cordon with a vault door in the bottom? Thatās the hidden heart of this bunker. A room thatās not on any maps. If there were demons locked away, thatās where theyād be. Itās time for the big drum roll, Five. The reveal of why youāre here. Remember your trip to Moore Island, the [red god] and the cult? Amelia never let me read the Edda, but the church has another copy hidden in their vault. Moonchild stole a partial transcript before they upped security. My runners donāt know what it looks like, but youāve seen it before.
[zombies moan] Damn! Coming up the stairs, are those - red robes and pointy hats. Oh no, lots of zombie cardinals, and theyāre in your way. The others are closing in behind you, too. Swiss Guards, priests, tourists in backpacks. Thereās no going back. Forward is your only shot. Those are halberds lying on the floor. The guards must have made a stand here. Quickly, pick one up. [metal clinks] Youāre going to have to rush them straight down to the vault. I can hack the door with ANNIE. That blade looks blunt, but you can at least push them back. Move it, Five, get down the stairs! Not sure what a zombie bite will do with all those Valmont patents in your blood. Donāt let the cardinals grab you. Run!
~
[door clatters open]
BRENT VALMONT: Now this is more like it! Big, oblong chamber full of sealed glass cases. Ancient scrolls, mysterious parchments. No sign of the Holy Grail, but I bet itās around here somewhere. Find my Edda, Five. You donāt have much time.
[alarm blares]
This room is pumped full of an inert gas to preserve the relics. We donāt have the proper codes. I canāt hold it open long. See those dead runners on the floor? They all thought theyād find my prize, and they all died choking anyway. Funny thing, Five. None of them blamed me. Now thatās lasting ownership, the kind that leaves them dying but still feeling the love.
Aha, youāve spotted something. The big tome on the plinth. Smash the casing and grab it! Use that halberd, now! [glass breaks, alarm beeps, zombies growl] Those zoms are pouring in behind you, theyāre blocking the way out. Thereās another vault door straight ahead, right across the archive. Move it, Five, and hold the Edda tight! If you die of oxygen deprivation, Samās the one Iām sending in there next. Speed up, before the door snaps shut. Run!
~
[birds caw, wings flap]
BRENT VALMONT: You did it, Legs! Youāre clear of the archive and clear of the Vatican, footloose on the streets of Rome. And youāve got my Edda. Oh, I know what youāre thinking. Yes, you could destroy it, tear it up and run, but what would happen to poor Sam, and Janine, and Peter, too? Thatās right.
[engine rumbles] My truckās approaching. Drop the halberd, get inside. [metal clinks, van door slides open] There you go, Five. Straight into the back. Iāll see you get a raise for this. That means extra cushions in your cell!
The apocalypse hasnāt gone as planned, itās true. But Iāve had a fix brewing for years. You pushed up my timeline with that scramble through Tunisia. I was worried we might not pull it off, but now Iāve got the panacea and the Edda. Iām all set for the apocalypse, take two.
The panacea, Five, thatās my little joke. You see, it is a cure, of sorts. The cure for all my ills. Soon, I wonāt have any rivals. The whole world will be my orphanage. Amelia, Abel, and the rest, theyāll be swept away, or transformed, replaced by broken, helpless, loving people. Like Adam on the ceiling, Five. Theyāll all be looking up... to me.
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