#ryblogging

my cane shipped today and im already so emotionally attached to this piece of metal. shes beautiful and i love her. im buying us matching heart carabiners soon so i can let go of her when holding multiple things.

waking up thinking about nice crutches…. waking up thinking about nice crutches…. the ability to walk without debilitating pain mmhhhmmmmm

i can feel my body deteriorating every day and yet i’m expected not to talk about it because other people don’t want to think about it:)

i hate being chronically ill so much sometimes. it’s not even the debilitating pain, but the fact that every waking second i am aware that the world i live in is not at all made for me. i want crutches/canes so badly to walk and help my chronic pain and fatigue, but i don’t have the money to buy ones high quality enough to not cause further pain in my wrists + hands. my mom is telling me that mobility aids “aren’t the best option” and i should just take more vitamins and anxiety medication and exercise, but my body physically cannot build muscle tonnage and i have no motivation to exercise as i’m exhausted as is. i want to start testosterone soon which should lessen my pain and make gaining weight and muscle a lot easier but i still just want something to help my constant pain now and in the future, and just someone to not treat me like i’m crazy. i already feel like my existence being celiac in a low-income, rural, american town in fundamentally inconvenient and exhausting. being celiac means the price of food is twice that than it is for others, i can take no pain medication in the U.S., i can eat at very few places where i live, and going up to 12 hours without food when on trips is not unrealistic for me. visiting my family in the U.K. and being able to eat nearly anywhere here is just reminding me how genuinely unsafe i am in the grand scheme of the world. no one back home is familiar with my conditions. i am in constant pain. no one cares. i hate being disabled. i hate being trans. i hate being queer. i wish i was normal. i just want to sleep ffs.

nothing will ever surpass ram as an album (not just music. like anything.)

day 152 of missing my asshole queer situationship bestfriend and i cant stop playing dont smile by sabrina carpenter on repeat