#russianprof

So somehow Husband, Professor, some other professor buddies got to the airport first, the girl that was next to me drove all us students in her obnoxiously big truck. Anyway, everyone gets there and one of the other professors takes one group through security then its just Husband, Professor, one other guy, and me (the weird passport gang). So now Russian Professor takes charge to get us where we need to be, and oh brother does he sound awful. His voice is all congested and raspy and every few sentences he breaks off and has to cough. Since hes wearing a mask, his glasses keep getting foggy so he has to continously take them off and put them back on. Before we even get to TSA, he's grumbling about how badly his head hurts which is when Husband becomes the most nervous Ive ever seen him. Obviously, hes worried about Professor and our plane, but me and this other kid lock in and we hustle through this airport.

Now for the actual fun part, it's like the second we all sit down that everything decides to go wrong. (Not with the plane, the ride was actually fine). Except Professor is suddenly sneezing in double every two minutes and he's so apologetic about it. Even the flight attendant is like 'are you good?' which Husband has to answer because guess what? Professor is sneezing again. He keeps doing that insane thing where he stifles so hard and then let's out the most rated R sigh afterwards. Husband is doing a very good job doting on him while I have a mini crisis and try to hold conversation with the girl -ugh this girl!- next to me.

Its pretty calm once we take off, everyone is kind of doing their own thing; Professor is fully knocked out and laying on Husband's shoulder, snoring away. At some point I pull out my laptop to do some work and Husband leans across the aisle and inserts himself into my essay revisions. This wakes up Professor who is very blearily confused and sneezes almost immediately and complains about his sinus headache. Husband basically forces him to go to the bathroom and blow his nose, which we can all hear despite being five rows back. That same thing happens like 100 more times throughout the flight and it's always just as noisy every time.

So Husband and I are working and eventually, Professor decides to help as well by essentially laying himself over Husband to read my screen. It works for a solid five minutes before Professor pauses, makes a face, and turns into Husband's chest to stifle three sneezes in a row. Husband starts bugging him about not stifling at this elevation when he already has a headache. It's so obvious that Professor is not feeling his best and he's very apologetic and upset at himself about the whole thing.

After five hours of being tortured, we land and everyone gets off the plane, through the airport, and to baggage claim. At this point, Husband is basically dragging Professor who just wants to go back to sleep. Everyone gets some form of transport to the hotel where I find that the room I'm sharing is directly next to the room of Husband and Professor. Paper thin walls, by the way. How do I know the walls are paper thin? Because now that no one is around, Professor is sneezing his damn lungs out at full volume.

Having class with Russian professor then going to my internship with his husband gives me such insane whiplash. They work at two different colleges about 25 minutes apart and just hop between buildings during their breaks. Dont ask me how it works, I have no idea.

Not only are they nearly polar opposites of one another, Russian professor is insanely different outside of the class. He has a reputation for being critical and having unobtainable standards, I nearly failed his class my first year. His husband is the exact opposite, he still has that strict professor vibe but he's more gentle and understanding in his teaching. Again, not sure how he is in the classroom, but Ive been able to sit down and have an actual conversation with him on many occasions.

Anyway, SNEEZE TIME

Im often working with the husband late into the night; comparing notes, writing reports, updating databases, etc. This means that Russian professor almost always stumbles in while Im still there, makes himself some food (God bless that microwave), and pulls up a chair next to his husband. This is where the interrogation begins- 'how are you feeling? Still coughing? You take anything? You looked poorly during class, I have more tea and tissues on my desk'. Hearing my professor answer these questions is like taking multiple bullets to my soul. He goes so in depth about every symptom, PLEASE BE QUIET (keep going).

The even crazier part is he knows I know what theyre saying even if Russian isnt my first language or speciality.

But the ACTUAL craziest part is how much his husband tolerates while I'm literally right there observing all of this. One of husband's quirks is that he will catch professor's sneezes in a tissue. Like fully, if professor were to show any sign of sneezing (and they're obvious) his husband just holds a tissue to his nose and let's him use it. This is why Im convinced he is one of us, I cant be the only one going insane over this.

A few times when I was in his office at even later ungodly hours than usual, professor will sort of lay his head on his husband's shoulder while we work and turn to bury sneezes against his shoulder or neck. I just know hes lurking on this side of Tumbleweed. Do you understand my insanity? The worst part, even though Im a personal victim of his bad attitude, hes so docile when its just me and his husband. He doesn't talk much at all, but thats still a major improvement from how he usually treats my work.

It's true, Professor is sick (again), and decided to overwork himself to needing to be pulled out of class by Husband (also again). This occurred a few days before our Autumn break, when we really weren't doing much other than analyzing movies. Looking back, we probably weren't doing much because Professor was falling ill and didnt have the energy. Anyway, I remember walking into the hall and Husband already sitting in the back (which isnt unusual). What WAS unusual was Professor coming in late, apologizing as he quickly opened his laptop, turned on a movie, and slumped onto his desk.

Its not normal for Professor to be late, he also loves to talk so getting no preamble to this movie was extremely weird. I didnt even really realize that he was sick (other classes stole my ability of perception) until he leaned his head back, pinched a tissue over his nose, and just...stayed there. After maybe ten minutes, I was almost certain he had passed onto the next life. He was, in fact, alive, because he sat back up to stifle three sneezes before dropping back. You could tell he sat up to sneeze since the force of stifling them almost made him hit his head on the desk.

This is what I like to call 'ailing Victorian child' level of drama, and anyone acquainted with an Eastern European knows it. All the while, Husband is in the back doing his observation routine and looking incredibly sour about it. Though, once Professor sneezed once, he would keep sitting up to stifle every three minutes or so. The fits kept becoming longer, like at first he sneezed three times, then five, then a few more, then a few more. By the time we were a half hour into the film, Professor sat up again to start coughing up a lung. He apologized and left the room (the walls are very thin, everyone could hear him blowing his nose and coughing even more).

Suffice to say, he did not return to the room. Husband walked down the aisle, unplugged his computer, and left the room. After which, I can only assume he dragged Professor home without a word to us.

The whole class can tell when Russian professor is sick because he has such obvious tells.

It always starts with him coming in and apologizing because 'something is bothering' his nose. Throughout the two hour class, he abuses his poor nose; pressing the heel of his palm against it, pulling at it between his thumb and index finger, and the insane habit he has of covering his nose with a tissue and continuing to teach like that.

Two days later he'll start to sneeze. Obviously he has some deeply ingrained habit of stifling in front of people but they get harsh enough to bend him at the waist. He'll be talking, pull a tissue, pause talking, turn away from the class, THEN stifle. Usually its only one or two when he's sick and that holds him over for about ten/fifteen minutes.

Five/six business days later and he develops a really crackly cough and starts bringing tea to the lectures.

A little over a week in and our TA is the one teaching while this guy sits at his desk trying to be quiet and looking absolutely miserable. Hes so apologetic about it, which helped us master the pronunciation of 'excuse me' in Russian. This is also around the time his husband will start pretending to audit (hes just sitting there) our classes.

He's snippy on a good day but once we've crossed the week long sickness mark he gets even worse. Ive never stayed for his business hours but there are stories of him being really critical and even more strict than usual.

I believe in another post I mentioned that Professor always shows signs of being sick by sneezing first. This time was no different, he came down for breakfast today with a mask on and a pack of tissues in his pocket. Husband wasted no time jumping on his case, joking with the other professors about how awful Russian Professor's immune system is. The funniest part was how Professor tried to deny the allegations at first, joking back, grumbling in Russian, etc. Except while he was halfway through a report about Husband's allergies, he pauses, ducks to the side that Husband is sitting, and stifles two sneezes.

That set everything off, he couldn't hold a full conversation without sneezing or pausing to blow his nose. We havent really been doing much so it was decided that Professor would go back to bed while Husband and I went about our work. I was a fool to believe Professor could actually leave his husband alone for that long while he was sick. Probably an hour in (not nearly enough time to even become properly focused) Husband's phone rings and he steps out to take it. He walks back into our office with Professor in tow. Where did you come from?? Can I help you??

Husband and I do a fine job getting back into the groove of things; Professor is basically just pacing around being bored. Aside from the constant sniffling and apologies when Professor steps out to blow his nose, it's fine. At least I thought so, but Husband turns around to Professor at one point and goes 'can you just get it over with?'. Im confused, sitting there contemplating if I really need a PhD this bad, when Professor ducks against Husband's shoulder and sneezes. You'd think I'm used to this, wrong. I stared academic derailment in the face and lost. Very little work got done today.

Both professor and husband have been really good about the fact thay professor was sick five seconds ago; both wearing masks, washing hands, etc etc. Here's the scene- we go out to lunch and Husband pulls this spray hand sanitizer from his bag and we all use it. Except Professor is already sensitive from being sick so he almost instantly turns and sneezes every single time this thing gets sprayed. Husband is making his usual jokes like 'youre ruining the point of the sanitizer!' as Professor is fighting for his life trying to stifle sneezes.

The funniest part is when Husband sprays his own hands, he immediately has to duck into his elbow and have his own fit. This makes Professor laugh so hard that he doubles over coughing, and we are definitely getting stared at. The guy coming along with us is very new to this dynamic, very confused, but trying so hard to fit in. He looks over at me like 'is this normal' while two grown men tease each other over sneezing, and I just have to be like 'yea, let's go'.

We actually spent most of the day in bookstores, art galleries, historical sites, stuff like that. Since I grew up here, I was sort of the unofficial guide and translator (when necessary) which was a lot of fun. Until we got to a mourning site where we met the man who would help finish my thesis research. This site is supposed to be in complete silence, which I practically drilled into these three. Husband glares at Professor and says the most insane shit to date- 'control your nose before it gets us kicked out'. PARDON??? Okay so thats how we're starting this tragic burial ground, got it, good to know.

Suffice to say, Professor did not control his nose and did get many glares before stepping out ten minutes before the rest of us. It started out fine, he is surprisingly good at holding back and just sniffling quietly. Except he still isnt feeling 100% so one stifled little 'GXT-chu' and the floodgates opened. Every two minutes he'd stifle, and they just kept getting louder and a little more wet. One 'hh-GEXCHT-chuu' and it was so obvious he needed to step out and blow his nose to get under control. Which he did and we all met outside to head back to the hotel.

This was probably like...a week ago. (IM SO SORRY)

Anyway, I get a phonecall from Husband and it starts out very normal; it's just discussion, tips, the boring stuff. Until he pauses and goes 'Professor just returned home, pardon his noise level'. What are you talking about? I havent had a single class where the noise of that man exceeded a very normal speaking tone.

So Im confused but I continue talking and taking notes and being the picture of Academia that I am. Until I hear footsteps and shuffling on the other side of the phone and Husband goes 'Ah, hes here' like the Boogie Man just walked in. Then suddenly Professor sneezes so loud that I actually jump since I'm so used to him stifling. Not just one or two, but he sneezes full force three times and Husband yells 'Im on the phone! Control your outbursts!'.

When I tell you Husband was very allergic to horses or whatever it was in that barn, I am not being sarcastic. He was sniffling and congested even before we got to the barn, just being that far out in rural country was getting to him.

We met my grandparents, had some food and tea, talked for way too long, then went outside. While I gave the tour, Husband was getting progressively more congested, he kept rubbing at his throat too. I felt really bad because technically this was my fault, but he kept insisting he wanted to stay. Once we got into the barn, it only got worse. I think I mentioned before that whatever medicine he's on makes it harder for him to sneeze. Except the allergens are still itchy and he still definitely has a strong reaction to them.

At first he was pinching his nose, sniffling, doing things that would generally make you think he didnt want to sneeze. That just turned into him trying to actively coax out a sneeze; looking into the light, fanning his face, scrunching up his nose. He was honestly doing a good job hiding it, if I wasn't the way I am I wouldn't have even noticed at all. Until I walk into the stall of one of our weaned foals and he walks in behind me, Im messing with the baby and he ducks down into the back of his wrist to sneeze. Worst part- when hes done, he looks at the foal and goes 'thats your fault, you tickle my nose.' Never speak again, oh my gosh, what????

At my work, we were around many more horses so he did end up having to walk away a few times to finally sneeze. My coworkers were very kind about it, offering him tissues which he did accept. Things did very quickly go downhill for me though, so we ended up leaving early. Im pretty sure Professor did end up 'helping' because the noise through the walls were frankly obscene.

We keep going and every so often he'd stop like he's going to sneeze but it won't come so he just sigh and keep going. It was incredibly distracting. It only gets worse when we get back in the car to drive to my work, because now he's talking about it. Like 'I really need to sneeze but it's just buzzing' and 'when we get back to the hotel, I'm going to cut my nose off'. For the list of reasons I believe Husband is on Snzblr, add that he fully mentioned having Professor induce him when we got back. How does he know about that?? Please put your seat belt on before I crash this car.

The rodeo barn was worse, many more horses live there and we were walking in and out of stalls rather than down the aisles. To his benefit, he didnt pet any of the horses but in general, he was a lot more sensitive. Just sniffling would make his breath hitch. I think because we were with my friend he was trying to be quiet, like he muffled his sneezes rather than just letting them out. It was still these sharp staccato things like 'itzt-itzt-itzt' but he was more tense about it. That probably doesn't make sense, but let me have this.