the worst part about missing you isn't when I spend all night tossing and turning because your voice is getting hazy now, or when I come across our pictures that I haven't had the courage to delete yet, it's when I throw my head down in the middle of class because my eyes are suddenly blurry again and my head is hurting, my heart is hurting, I cannot care what the uses of hydrochloric acid are because it feels like I've been swallowing mouthfuls of it all day when in fact it was just the boy sitting across from me who twirled his pencil in his hands like you used to, it's when I see you in strangers and suddenly I'm a wreck and it's when I can't seem to swallow because the words I never yelled as you walked away are still stuck in the lump between my mouth and my heart and they're in my windpipe now choking me and my mother is looking at me with worry but I can see the pity hidden behind it too as I puke my guts out because the hole in my middle just keeps getting bigger and bigger- some days I can't even form a proper sentence because all my words come out jumbled and between every word is a you hidden and twisted like every lie and unanswered question. the worst part of missing you is the fact that I hate myself for it because you were the one who left me here and I should be forgetting you because you probably haven't even thought about me in the past two months maybe but I'm still here hung up on words I didn't say and god I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. // maybe if I repeat it enough I will start to believe it.
