#rtf1

I grab a towel and hop in the shower. With Jay most likely sleeping over tonight, I’m expecting to fall asleep right on the couch. I won’t make it to my bed let alone the shower. It’s in the middle of me washing my hair that he decides to ring the doorbell. I wrap a towel around my midsection and open the door for him. 

“You didn’t even check if it was me,” he frowns making a beeline for my kitchen counter. He unloads all of the grocery bags he has, putting the ice cream in my freezer. He looks over at the abandoned lasagna and rolls his eyes at me. 

“Who else is going to be ringing my doorbell, thirty minutes after I get off the phone with you?”He trashed the lasagna and sticks a frozen pizza in my oven. He turns to look at me, his arms crossed over his chest and a frown still puckering his eyebrows. 

“I’m serious Y/n, you need to be careful,”

“I will,” I promise, drawing closer to him. He’s been working out a lot more than usual. He’s training with an MMA group that’s super into intense work out. It shows. His arms are thicker, his chest broader.

“I missed you too by the way,” I add, leaving him to stand in my kitchen. I’m pulling on underwear under my towel when he follows in a few second later.

 “If your way of showing you miss me is by answering the door naked, I think I’m missing out on a lot,” he bounces on my bed, picking up the magazine I have on my bedside table. It’s the cover shot of Bazaar that he did last month. 

“Are you going to sign that one for me so I can pay my bills,” I laugh. I’m still not used to the fact that he’s such a huge star now. If I was serious, I’m sure I could make tons of money off of the shit he leaves lying around every time he comes by. I turn my back to him, covering my chest so I can pull a t-shirt on and a pair of sweats. 

“Hey, is that a tattoo,” He eyes the dark ink on my shoulder blade like it’s somehow betrayed him. “I told you I’d go with you,”

I shrug. “You were busy. It’s fine. How was work?” I sit on the edge of my bed.

“Well, at least let me see it,” he says, ignoring my question. He moves so that he sits beside me. His fingers move toward the collar of the back of my shirt. He pulls the material down to get a good ink at the week-old tattoo. “Carpe Noctem,” a finger traces the cursive lettering on my back. “What does it mean?”I look up him. He’s so close. It’s moments like this that I’m reminded that the way I feel about him lies way beyond the boundaries that we’ve allowed ourselves. It would be so easy to lean in, to finally know what his mouth feels like. Instead I pull away, standing and crossing my room toward the door to put some distance between us. 

“It’s Latin for ‘seize the night’. I’m going to check on the food,”I leave him there staring at me while I go to look at the pizza. For some reason, my appetite has disappeared. All I have on my mind is how good his fingers felt against my skin. When he comes behind me while I bend over to pull our food out, I hold my breath, careful not to touch him. I stretch over the stove to turn the oven off to keep from looking at him. 

“Y/n,” he calls my name quietly from behind me. His hand rests on my hip lightly. I jerk away from him, startled by the warmth of his palm on me. He reaches over, taking the pizza cutter out of my hand. 

“Why didn’t you wait for me?” He asks. I can see how deeply he’s hurt by it. Tattoos are a little bit of a big deal in the Korean culture. It’s an experience he wanted to be there for.

 “It seems like I’m always waiting for you,” I tell him. “You have your life here, Jay. I can’t expect you to drop everything just for a tattoo,”

He frowns at me. His tongue comes out quickly to swipe over his bottom lip. He looks too good, too attractive to just be Jay. He’d surpassed the average quota of beauty a few years back, now it’s just criminal. Even now while we’re just talking, I can’t help but think about him touching me. 

“You know it’s not just a tattoo, y/n. I promised I’d take you,”

“Months ago,” I laugh quietly. I cross my arms over my chest as a small barrier between us. “Honestly, Jay. It’s ok. I understand that you don’t just belong to me anymore,”

His lips pull into a sad smile, the frown slightly still in place. “I know you’re trying to make me feel better but it’s not really working,”

“What do you want me to say? You’re on your own path. As much as I love it when we get to spend time with each other like this, we’re both adults. I can’t rely on you to hold my hand through the city,”He sighs and moves to lean against the counter besides me. “I’m doing a shitty job in filling my best friend duties,”

I laugh loudly, looking up at him. “What, are you five? I’m fine. I promise. I’m even making friends, Jay,”

“Still not making me feel better,” he groans. “Actually that’s worse. What if you meet some other guy who can pick up your favorite ice cream whenever you want?”

“It doesn’t matter,” I tell him. I lean my head against his shoulder. “He won’t be your dorky ass,”

He’s quiet for a long time. “I think about that a lot you know,” he finally says softly. “I’m always so scared when I call you, one day you’ll tell me I can’t come over because there’s someone else here doing all the things I’m supposed to be doing,”It’s the first time he’s ever hinted at being jealous of any other guys. Jay has always gotten along with people I’ve dated in the past. Granted, he hasn’t really been around to really get to know any of them. 

“Where is this coming from?” I ask, looking up at him. His eyes are soft, his lips glistening like he’d just licked them recently. I’ve never wanted to kiss him more than I do right now. He grabs my hand, pulling me so that I stand directly in front of him. 

“I’m always thinking about you, y/n,” he tells me. “Even when I shouldn’t be. Even when I’m with someone else. Lately it seems like the longer I am away from you, the more I miss you, the more I imagine what it would be like,” he trails off not finishing his thought. I step closer to him, emboldened by the heat in his eyes. My chest presses against his. 

“What do you think about?”His eyebrow ticks up and his lips pull into a smile. How he goes from soft and sweet to arrogant, is beyond even my understanding. His hand reaches down to cup my neck, drawing me closer. His breath fans over my face. “I think about kissing you,” he leans in so that his lips brush against my jaw. 

“I think about touching you, but most times I just think about being with you. Getting to hold you like you’re mine,”

I can’t hold back the sigh that escapes my lips when his mouth travels down my neck. He’s barely touching me aside from his fingers softly cradling my neck. This is everything I’ve wanted. It’s everything I’ve denied myself to think about since I was sixteen. And it’s happening in the middle of my kitchen like it’s the most normal thing in the world. Jay is far from normal. He’d left my little world of ordinary years ago, but right while he touches me like there’s nothing else he’d rather be doing, it’s like he’s back with me. It’s like I don’t have to try just to get a minute of his time. But how long will it last? Tomorrow he’ll still be Jay Park. He’ll still have the same responsibilities that kept him away all this time. We’re holding on tight to the thinning threads of our friendship as it is now, any more than this would decimate.

 I pull away. My arms cross between us as I look down at the tiles under my bare feet. “You should go,”

“Y/n,”

“We’re not doing this. If you think you’re going to just come in here and say all the right shit just because you didn’t have enough time to find someone to fill your bed,” I trail off not able to finish. Everything else gets stuck in my throat, choked off by emotion. I could lose him. Everything I’ve been holding onto just to keep him in my life would come to a screeching halt the minute this went wrong. I’m not willing to risk it just because our bodies want more than our hearts are capable of giving. 

“Y/n, you know it’s not like that,”

“Well then what is it, Jay. Why now?”

“Look at me,” I immediately meet his eyes. I’ve always been able to tell when he’s keeping stuff from me. For one, Jay has never been one to lie. He’s too blunt, too straightforward to see the point in not telling the truth. When it comes down to it, I trust his eyes more than anything else in the world.  Right now there’s nothing but sincerity. I have no choice but  to believe him. His hands come out and settle on each hip. 

“I’m obsessed with you, Y/n. I have been since I was fifteen years old. I’m tired of trying to think of reasons why we shouldn’t,” 

“It’s going to ruin our friendship,” I whisper. 

“Good,” 

The single word is followed by the sound of his lips crashing against mine. I’ve written about what it would be like to kiss Jay a dozen different times when I was a kid. I’d thought about what his arms would feel like wrapped around my waist. I’ve wanted to touch his body like it belongs to me years after he’d stopped being that kid who teased me every chance he got. 

His tongue swipes against my bottom lip. It’s too much and not enough all at once. My hands grip at formerly coifed hair, pulling my fingers through the ends. 

“More,” I moan against his mouth. His hands grip at my ass, pulling me right against him. When we’re so close together that there’s nowhere else to go, he grips my thighs and hoists me against his waist. Turning, he sets me down on my kitchen counter. All without breaking his mouth away. His hands tunnel through my hair like he’s holding me still so he can taste me exactly how he wants. I lock my legs around his waist, pulling him tight against my body. 

This is the kind of kiss that starts wars. This is the reason Helen of Troy is so popular. She held so much power, enough to take down nations. That’s kind of how I feel; like I’m conquering ancient Rome, and Greece, and all the Spanish and French territories. I feel like I’m flying. I feel like I’ve won. And it’s all because of the man in front of me. 

“Jay,” he tilts my head back so that he can get to my neck. His teeth graze over my skin, followed by his tongue. He sucks at my skin, alternating between harder and softer pulls. As good as this feels, I want more. I’ve waited so long. 

“Jay,” I say again. I move my hips, grinding against him. 

“Tell me what you want, baby,”

“Touch me,” I say. “I need you,”

He curses quietly. His lips come back to mine and it’s softer like he’s trying to hold himself back. He’s hesitating, something I don’t see him do too often. “There’s no going back from this in the morning, Y/n,” he moves my hair out of my face. 

“I know,” I tell him. I run my hands up his sides, lifting the white T-shirt with my movements. Each inch reveals more of his body. The tattoos, the muscle, the low slung jeans around his hips, it does nothing but spur me on. I graze my nails over his skin softly. Looking up at him, I reach down between the front of his boxers. Jay sucks in a sharp breathe the minute my skin touches his. He feels so soft, like silk almost. My hand works over him. Closing my eyes I imagine what it would be like for him to slide into me. And there’s nothing I want more right now. 

“You’re sure?” He asks quietly. His thumb grazes my cheek as he looks at me.

I don’t answer him, instead I reach into his back pocket to pull out his wallet. I open it up, grabbing the condom that I’m sure he keeps there for situations like these when he can’t stand the wait anymore. I hand it off to him. He looks at me for a long time, like he’s searching for a crack. He knows me more than anyone else in the world. He’d be able to tell if I’m not completely down for it. When his mouth comes back down on mine, I feel just how much he wants me too. His hands push at the band of my sweats pushing them off of my hips. I kick them to the floor,and wrap my legs back around his waist. My fingers push at his own sweats, taking his boxers down with them. I want to see him, to finally see what I’ve been coveting since as long as I could remember. He doesn’t let me. His mouth stays glued to my skin. If it’s not my lips, it’s my chin, my jaw, down my neck and back up. His fingers work over himself, securing the protection in place before one settles on my hip again. The other touches the junction of my thighs, pushing my legs further apart. He curls it around my legs as hips move forward. He slides slowly into me. A dragging that I feel down to my bones. I wrap my arms around his neck, drawing him closer. 

I’ve always liked sex. I’ve mostly had halfway decent experiences, but right now while he stands still hardly moving an inch, it’s clear that I’ve never felt like this before. I can blame it on the fact that I’m 100% comfortable with who I’m with. I can say that it’s because I know what this is, but the truth is I don’t. It’s about how I feel about Jay. The way he draws goosebumps to my skin, the soft way he holds my hip while he moves against me. It’s the way he drops his head to my shoulder, cursing through his clenched teeth. It’s the way that I already know his body. He’s holding back, I can feel it in the rigid way his muscles contract like they’re trying their best not to extend fully. But I want it all. I want him to grab me too roughly, to hold me too tightly, to show me the parts of him I’ve been dying to see. 

“Give me more, Jay,” I breathe against the side of his neck. “Don’t hold back,”

A hand slides behind me on the small of my back as to hold me in place. His hips pump faster drawing out a loud moan from my lips. I throw my head back against the cabinet door above me. This feels too good, it’s too potent. He squeezes at my bare thigh as his hips move against mine. 

“You feel amazing,” he tells me. I move with him, trying to get as close as possible. He leans back, looking down at where we connect. He shifts his hands to curl around my hip. His thumbs move down to rub against me. I call out his name, feeling my body react to how he moves against me. I feel myself tighten around him, and I can feel him seem to get harder. His hips slow against mine into a maddening languid pace until he pulls out. I’m about to protest, but he lifts my hips and places me back on my feet. He spins me quickly so that I’m bent over the counter., the air hitting my bare ass. He uses a foot to nudge my legs apart before falling back into me. A hand strokes from my hip down to my thigh. He grips it in his hand drawing it up against the counter. I’m begging now, for what I’m not sure. All I know is that this position is far more than I can handle. My bones and my skin feels like jelly. I’m not even holding myself up. The edge of the counter presses painfully into my stomach. Each time Jay’s hips hit me from behind, I slams against the counter. Still, I can’t get enough. I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of this.

He whispers in my ear, how tight I am and how hard he’s going to cum. I already knew he had a dirty mouth, but I’m finding just how obscene he can be.

 “Cum for me,” he says. His voice has gone hoarse and deeper. His fingers reach around to stroke me while his hips move against me. I feel his mouth against my neck, sucking at my skin. 

It’s when he turns my head roughly to the side to take my lips again, while one of his hands  palms my breast under my t-shirt I feel myself start to quiver. When I finally give in, I’m shaking so hard, that Jay has to use his arms to keep me upright. He falls against me only a few seconds later, breathing heavily into my ear. I struggle to draw air into my lungs, still I can’t remember a time I’ve been this thoroughly fucked. Nor can I remember a time we’re I’ve been so completely satisfied. I’m sore and achy. There’s bound to be bruising on my hips, my ass, my stomach where the counter pressed painfully, but a part of me is eager for them to materialize if only because they’ll stay around longer than Jay will. 

He pulls out, taking care of the condom behind me. A few seconds later, a hand on my shoulder spins me around. His hair is a mess, sticking up in places where I’d pulled to hard. There’s a sly smile on his face that tells me nothings changed. He’s still my best friend who knows too much about me and gets on my nerves a little bit sometimes. He pulls his lip between his teeth, looking down at me. 

“You look terrible,” he says. 

I laugh, rolling my eyes at him. The more he looks at me, the more aware I become to the fact that I’m naked from the waist down. I move to slide past him but he grabs me. His hands grip my bare thighs, hoisting me up against his waist. The arrogance has disappeared. Now all that’s left is tenderness in its place.His hand smooths my hair away from my face. His thumb swipes across my bottom lip, pulling it down. He looks at me like he’s seeing me for the first time. Maybe it’s because he’s finally seeing me look at him the way I always have. I expected to feel different, to feel like I made some huge mistake that there’s no going back from.

“I can see you overthinking,” he smiles at me. “Don’t do that thing where you pull away from people when things get to heavy,”

I shake my head at him. “I’m just thinking about how I’ll disinfect this counter,”

He laughs pulling my lips back against his in a soft kiss. Don’t get used to it, I remind myself. I hardly see him as it is. I can’t imagine getting my hopes up and having it affect our relationship. He walks slowly, carrying me to my bedroom. He stops, gently sitting me in the middle of my mattress. 

“Don’t move,” he tells me before disappearing into my bathroom. I obey, using my elbows to hold me up while I wait.When he comes back, there’s a wet washcloth in his hand. He climbs in bed beside me. His hands push at my thighs to open. The hot clothes comes down on my skin as he gently wipes away any traces of what we’ve done. When he’s finished, he drapes the towel on my dresser and pulls out a draw. He pulls out a pair of cotton blue under and come back over again. Silently, he pulls them on leg by leg when my underwear is on, he dips his head to place a quick kiss on my stomach.

 He climbs up further into my bed, pulling the duvet back so he can lay. “Come here, y/n,”