#rtf 4

Jay: I think this is the ugliest picture I have of you.

We’ve been doing this for the past hour. He includes a picture of me that I’m sure is hidden somewhere deep in my parents’ basement back home in Seattle. I’m crying hysterically over a pair of concert tickets on Christmas morning. My hair sticks up in every direction which luckily (I think) draws attention away from the reindeer pajamas my mom pressured my sister and I into wearing. I’m at least sixteen by the way; old enough for this to be the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever laid eyes on.

Y/n: Burn it. You win.

Jay: I’ll delete it if you replace it...

I roll my eyes. The idea of sending nudes has never been something I really scoffed at. I’ve done it at least twice in my life. But there’s just something about how bad Jay wants a photo of my body that he’s sees almost every night that has me feeling a little bit powerful. I’m not ready to relinquish that yet.

Y/n: the porn industry is a million dollar business for a reason

Jay: it’s not the sameee😩😩

Y/n: just delete the damn picture Jay

Jay: nope. I think I found my next WCE picture

Y/n: im not having sex with you until you delete the picture

Jay: 😂😂😂😂😂😂

Jay: Says the girl who begs me to come over at four in the morning.

Dammit. He’s right.

Y/n: That was one time and I was hormonal.

My phone rings, Jay’s face flashing.

“What do you want?”

He laughs and I’m so glad he’s at work instead in front of me because I can’t even pretend to be upset at him when he laughs. Bora shoots me a look from her desks. I think she’s a little confused as to how Jay and I actually like each other when we’re bickering every other minute.

“Is this how you treat me? After I spent all night letting you have your filthy way with me,”

“You’re probably the most annoying person in South Korea,”

“You love me,” he says.

“I do,” I tell him. We don’t say it often. Sometimes I whisper it at night when I’m sure he’s half asleep and the only response I get is his arms tightening around me as if he’s saying, ‘Yeah, me too,’. Or sometimes when he feels too good sliding against me, I think the words so hard that they slip out.

“Did you tell Bora about Henz tonight?”

“I did. She’s in,”

Jay has been working non-stop since he came back from the states two weeks ago. And because he feels like going out tonight, we’re going out. It’s been a while since I’ve been out with Jay and his friends.

The day passes slowly. Bora and I finalize Zino’s look and pack away everything neatly for next week. She laments again about how she’ll be so lonely in LA without me. I assure her that her boyfriend Jin will more than make sure she has a good time. Giving my plane ticket to Jin seems to be becoming more and more of a good idea.

As much as Jay pushed me into the decision a little, I know it was a good one. I can’t lie and pretend that if the tables were turned, I’d be 100% comfortable with him on a weekend trip with someone I’m not fond of. I trust him. I really do, but I’m selfish enough to want every part of him to myself.

By the end of our day, Bora promises to see me in a few hours and we lock up the studio. I take an Uber back to Jay’s place where I’d left an overnight bag for tonight. I sleep until Jay gets in, waking me up by laying his whole body on me.

“Come on, man,” I groan failing to push his heavy body off of me.

He laughs, holding his body rigid like he’s planking.

“Get off of me you weigh so much,” I say tiredly. He rolls over, pulling my body into his arms.

“Come on, baby. Get up, I miss you,”

“I was sleeping,” I groan into his chest. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s getting woken up. He knows this. He’s been on the receiving end of my wrath plenty of times, yet he doesn’t care.

“It’s about to be nine,” he says, his arms around me. I sigh, squeezing my eyes shut.

“I had an alarm set,”

“Too bad,” he laughs. “Get up, it takes you at least four hours to do your makeup,”

“Shut up, it doesn’t,” I yawn and stretch out my body against him. “Give me another hour. Just lay here with me,”

His arm drapes across my face. “Ok, baby,”

I fall asleep again while Jay taps away on his phone, he plays sound clips really quietly, holding the phone to his ear. When it’s time to get up again, I shower and get dressed while he spends another hour in bed. I finish my light make up and by the time I’m done, he’s right where I left him looking like a whole model. He’d changed into a silk patterned top, tucked halfway into his dark jeans. His hair is gelled up a little.

He stands when he sees me, a cute wide smile on his face. He pulls me against his chest. He smells clean, like the soap I’ve been using every time I stay over. A hand moves up my leg, sliding beneath my dress and settling on my ass.

“We have to go,” I smile up at him. My arms come up around his neck, drawing him close.

He brushes his knuckles across my jaw while his other hand squeezes at my flesh. He looks at me like he’s ready to call the whole night off. All he has to do is say a single word and the dress would be on the floor.

“You look beautiful baby,” he tells me. His tongue presses to the corner of his mouth, his eyes going to my lips.

I look down at myself. A curve-hugging basic red T-shirt dress that brushes the top on my thighs, and black high heeled boots that just barely meet the hem. I’d thrown a denim jacket over my shoulders to keep from freezing to death. It’s nothing special by far. There’s no point in doing the most when it’s all going to be thrown on my floor later. I’d be lucky if my impatient boyfriend doesn’t end up ripping some part of this outfit tonight. Still, the way he looks at me makes me feel like I’m the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. And it hits me like a punch to the chest; I’ve seen this look before. When he’d stepped off the plane when he went back home to Seattle all that time ago,  and when he’d picked me up from ICN just three years ago.

I lean up to press my lips against his. His arms flex around my waist, holding me tight against his body. The kiss only lasts a few short seconds, but it’s so sweet I’m not ready to pull away from him yet.

“I’m proud of you,” I tell him. I think I’ve said it a thousand times and yet he just keeps doing more, being better, becoming who he wants to be. I don’t know if I’ll ever be done letting him know. Tonight feels different though. Like we’ve finally arrived where we’ve been meant to be all these years. I’m still right next to him. He’s still rooting for me.

His hands smooth down my dress before he laces his fingers with mine. I reach up to smudge away the red lipstick that’s smudged on the side of his lips. It’s funny how domesticated we’ve become in the last three weeks; easily as if there’s no other way to be.

“Thank you,” he says before pressing his lips against my jaw.

He pulls me through his living room toward the door and I grab my purse on the way out. I follow behind him until we get out front. He moves aside so I can slide in the back of the Uber he’d called for before he slides in beside me. His arm comes around my shoulders.

“Is it bad that I don’t even want to go out anymore?” Jay asks with half a smile, looking at his phone.

I don’t really want to go out either but I think my reasons are completely selfish in comparison to his. He always looks good, but tonight I want to pull him out of that Gucci silk top.

“You can’t work yourself to death,” I tell him, pushing a piece of hair off of his forehead.

“I know, I know. I just,” he trails off for a second, looking out the window of the car. He’s been very introspective lately. I see it on his face. As much as he doesn’t like to let on, I know he’s a little scared. The music industry, especially in the states isn’t guaranteed. He’s willed all of this good stuff to happen on his own, but a record label as big as Roc Nation is a new world. He’s had experiences with a large company before and it almost stopped him in his tracks before he’d had a chance.

“I want to do good,” he says finally.

“I don’t think it’s possible for you not to,” I tell him. “Look at everything you’ve made for yourself, by yourself. You succeed. It’s just what you do,”

“And if I don’t?”

“You’ll still own my heart and this ass,” I joke smiling at him.

He laughs shaking his head at me.

“For whatever it’s worth,” I say seriously. “I’ll be here. I’ve always been here,”

He leans in to kiss me again, his tongue gliding over my bottom lip. It’s making it a little hard for me to be excited about having him out of my bed when he touches me like everything from now on is just a precursor for what’s sure to happen later. I wonder if this is how it always is with everyone else; going through the day just so we can get back to touching each other in the dark away from the world.

When he pulls away I roll my eyes at his mouth. I pull out a makeup remover wipe from my person and wipe his lips before starting to reapply my lipstick.

“Can’t you use like clear or something? I can’t kiss you if you’re wearing that shit,” he pushes his bottom lip out.

“You’re not going to be kissing me at all because you’re going to go have fun with your friends while Bora and I stay on the dance floor,”

As always it’ll be a big deal when Jay shows up tonight. He commands the attention regardless of the occasion. Tonight is all about him, and I want him to have as much fun as he usually does without looking over at me every few seconds.

We pull up to Henz before he can say anything. I see Bora and her boyfriend Jin waiting outside for us. The line wraps around the building as if word got out that Jay would be in tonight. He grabs my hand, pulling me behind him as we exit the car. We greet Bora and Jin as Jay guides us toward the entrance, bypassing the line. I shake myself free of Jay.

“Go have fun,” I tell him.

He shoots me a look just as Bora shoos her own boyfriend away. Everyone has already spotted him, pushing him toward the closed-off section some of his friends are in. I’m sure there are tons of people over there that’ll help him celebrate.

“I’m going to get a drink. We’ll meet up with you guys later,”

“You can get a drink brought to you over there,” he yells over the music.

“I’ll text you,” I tell him, blowing a kiss and leaving toward the bar. Bora’s hand finds mine as we make our way through the crowd.

“You’re the only girl I know that would leave Jay Park in a club full of women,”

“I trust him,” I say dodging out of the way of a girl who’s carrying one too many shots.

“I know it’s not him I’m worried about. There are already girls moving to get their hands on him,”

I look behind me to see that she’s right. People are going crazy as he makes his way toward VIP. From here I can see a few aomg and h1ghermusuc guys welcoming him into the small section. The smile on his face is enough to know that I made the right decision to keep my distance for a little while. It’s been a little time since he’d last came out like this, with his friends just to enjoy the night. I don’t want him catering to me like I know he’d do.

“I guess it’s a good thing I’m the only one that gets to take him home then,” I smile at her while we wait for a spot at the bar.

An hour later and Jay and his friends have commandeered the club just as I expected. They all take turns performing their songs and just generally having a good time. When the DJ makes an announcement, shouting out Jay’s new label deal, the club gets amped up just a little more. I can’t keep the stupid grin off of my own face at my boyfriend’s face. He’s happy. He’s enjoying himself, and it’s all that’s ever mattered to me.

He catches my eye, his head tilting for me to come join him at the center of the attention. I shake my head and wave him off. His lips poke out in the cutest pout but he lets it go. Bora and I linger close to the bar, away from the crowd but close enough to keep eyes on our guys.

“It’s kind of amazing how they kind of just turned this into their show,” Bora notes. She watches as Loco takes the mic and the first notes of a song further hype the crowd.

I nod, tilting my drink back until it’s finished. “It’s a little overwhelming,”

“Get used to it, babe,” she tells me. “The way he looks at you, it’s ridiculous that you guys are only just starting out,”

I laugh and look at her. “How does he look at me?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know like he’s always been in love with you. It’s just weird to see you guys be so domesticated so quickly,”

“He’s been my best friend for years,” I remind her.

“How did you watch all of this; the girls and the parties and not feel,” she trails off.

“Jealous? I don’t know. I just knew he’d always belonged in my life in any way he fit, I made room. And he did the same,”

I think about all the times I had to distance myself from him a little because of someone I was dating and he wordlessly just understood. We adjusted.

“You guys are disgusting,” she laughs. I can’t disagree with her.

Suddenly, Bora slaps my arm. Her eyes follow someone who steps up behind me. I look back. It’s Zino. I inwardly roll my eyes at his dimples smirk. He pushes his hair back out of his face.

“What a nice surprise,” he smiles at Bora and me.

“Nice to see you,” Bora greets.

I manage a smile, thinking about the small fight he’d indirectly caused between Jay and I. It wasn’t his fault. In fact, he hasn’t actually done anything wrong. I can’t hold him accountable for anything. After all, Jay was the one who slept with his girlfriend.

“Let me buy you another drink,” he offers, eyeing my empty glass.

“Oh no, I’m good. Thank you anyway,”

Zino nods stuffing his hands in his pockets. An awkward silence falls over the three of us. He works with Bora more than I, so they should be able to hold a decent conversation.

“I’d like to apologize,” he says suddenly, his eyes on me. “I think I must have offended you the other week,”

“No,” I shake my head. I still haven’t figured out a way to explain that my boyfriend doesn’t like him and wants us to not be associated in any way, which is the reason I’ve decided not to go on the free LA trip he’d offered. “It’s ok. I’m just,”

God this is uncomfortable. “We’re busy,” Bora offers for me. “Y/n forgot we had clients booked for award season during next week,”

He twists his lips, chewing on the corner. I don’t know if he’s buying it. Instead of responding, he orders a beer before turning back to us.

“So business is good?”

I nod. “Yeah, everything is good,”

He tilts his beer at the stage. “Jay’s doing well?”

I don’t know why I feel so protective of Jay. I’m immediately on the defensive when Zino mentions his name.

“Yeah, he’s doing really well. He just signed a deal with Roc Nation,”

“I heard,” he says taking another sip of the beer in his hand. Another awkward silence settles around us.

I clear my throat looking around subtly for an excuse to get out of his space. A sudden push in the crowd forces the three of us closer. Zino’s shoulder presses against me. With Bora on my other side, there’s really nowhere to go.

“So, why are you guys not up there with them,” he asks.

I shrug. “It’s a little crazy up there,”

We all look at the guys jumping around up front. It looks fun and I’m sure it is, but it’s a lot. Zino laughs shaking his head as someone stands on a speaker. He reaches behind me to sit his bottle on the bar, his arm brushes my side slightly.

“What about you Bora,” he leans in to look at her on the other side of me. “No boyfriend tonight?”

She gestures behind her. “Jin’s up there somewhere. Probably completely out of his comfort zone, but he’s somewhere in the mix,”

I feel a hand behind me touch my waist. When I turn around, I’m met with my boyfriend’s hard face.

“Let’s go,” he whispers in my ear.

I frown at him. “That’s fine but we can’t just leave Bora here,”

“He’s making his way through,” he says tugging me further away from Zino.

“It’s ok, Y/n, I see him. Text me in the morning,” she says.

Jay leads me through the crowd. When we make it outside, he silently pulls out his phone to call a car. He puts space between us as we wait.

“What the hell is your problem?” I ask quietly. He hears me though. His grip on my waist tightens slightly. There are people watching, I’m sure. We’re running the risk of pictures of the two of us all over the Internet, something else I wanted to avoid tonight.

“I don’t want to talk about it right now,” he says. His eyebrows pinch into a frown. He looks at his phone, check where our Uber is.

“Jay,” I call him. He says nothing, his lips twisting to the side like he’s trying to hide a scowl.

“For fuck sakes-,”

He kisses me hard, taking the words out of my mouth. His tongue touches mine roughly. His hand snakes up to grip the nape of my neck. The way he kisses me, it shouldn’t be done in public. Yet, we’re here in front of the biggest club in Seoul, kissing like we’re in a bedroom.

When he pulls away, his forehead leans against mine.

“Just stop talking, Y/n,”

Our car pulls up right in front of us. Jay opens the back door for me. I slide in and he follows behind me. The drive feels like it takes forever. He barely looks at me. The tension is palpable. I watch the lights that pass hit his twitching jawline. He supposed to be mad but I’m so turned on I can’t see beyond the hard set of his mouth. I don’t know if it’s the two drinks I had that has my skin buzzing to touch his or the kiss. Either way, my hand slides up his thigh without me actually realizing it. He grips my fingers stopping them from going any further.

When we’re in front of the building, he tips the driver, slides out and waits for me to follow. He grips my hand and pulls me along upstairs.

“You’re mad?” I ask.

“Yeah, I’m fucking mad,”

We step into his place. I reach out to hold on to his shoulder so I can slip my shoes off. He stands still, letting me lean against him. When I’m finally barefoot, I wrap my arms around his neck, tilting my head up.

“Are you jealous?” I ask.

He stays silent, avoiding my gaze. I press my lips against his jaw that’s wound tight. I trail my mouth down his throat. He tugs at my arms. They drop to my side.

“You can’t seriously think that I’m interested in anyone else,” I roll my eyes. When he still doesn’t speak I slide past him.

“You’re fucking ridiculous,”

“He touched you,” Jay says finally. “He touched you and he stared at your body and when he saw that I was watching, he gave me the biggest fucking smile, Y/n,”

“It’s not like I fucked him, Jay,”

“He wants to fuck you though,”

I sigh, rubbing at my temples. This isn’t how I saw my night going. I should be wrapped around him by now, discovering eighty new ways to get him to bite his lip the way he does when he’s feeling extremely good.

“I don’t understand why you’re mad at me, though,”

“You put yourself in that position, Y/n. I told you to come up with me and the next thing I see is him all over you,”

“I’m not even entertaining this conversation,” I say walking away to head toward the shower. His hand on my hip stops me. I look up at him, the thunder in his eyes back.

“I’m selfish, Y/n. I don’t like other people wanting what’s mine,”

I open my mouth to tell him very matter of factly that I don’t belong to him. I’m not a piece of property. His mouth on mine stops any words. He kisses me hard, our teeth knocking together. I sigh against him, reaching up to wrap my arms around his neck. He stops me, gripping both of my wrists in his hands. He walks us backward until my back hits the wall behind me. He pins my wrists against the wall above my head.

“He touched you,” he says against my lips.

His mouth moves down my neck, biting at my skin. His hand tightens around my wrists, holding them above my head. My hips move against his, grinding against the bulge in his pants. His free hand pushes my dress up my thigh, exposing my thin lacy underwear. His fingers pull roughly at the fabric, and I hear the material tear.

“You owe me a pair of underwear,” I moan against his lips that fall on me.

Only illuminated by the light streaming in from outside, he’s like a dream. His light skin reflects yellow light, drawing the dark lines of his tattoos into focus. The only response I get is his fingers tightening around me. He uses his hand to lift my thigh around his waist, pinning my body against the wall with his hips.

“Keep your hands here,” he instructs, his grip loosening on my wrists. I do as I’m told enjoying the fire in his eyes. His gaze doesn’t leave mine as he opens his pants so he can pull himself out. Once he pulls a condom on, he grabs my wrists again. He pulls them down, pushing them against my chest as he plunges into me hard.

He moves against me fast, anchoring me in place with a hand on my hip. My legs wrap around his waist, drawing him closer. When my hips start to move with his, his fingers dig into my skin roughly. It feels too good. He holds me too tightly, fucks me too hard. I don’t last more than a few short minutes, my muscles spasm around him, my legs going slack. He reaches down, grabbing my thighs while he carries me to the couch. He lays me down, his body coming over mine.

“Jay,” I call, reaching up to grab at his slick hair. His mouth comes hard against mine again. Teeth pull at my bottom lip, roughly. He tastes too good to let him pull away. I hold his head against mine, kissing him until I’m gasping for breath.

His hips start to lose their rhythm as he chases after his own orgasm. His face falls into my neck, as he groans against me.

“Fuck, Y/n,”

I pull him tighter against my body, his sweat falling on my own skin. I don’t want to move. I could lay here for the rest of my life with the taste of him in my mouth and his body pressed to mine. He pulls away too quickly, going to the bathroom. I wait for him to come back. When he doesn’t, I sit up, pulling the dress back in place. I hear the shower cut on just as I start to approach.

*He really fucking left me there*

I haven’t been on the receiving end of Jay’s anger before. After being so high, I’m left feeling empty. But I know how he operates. He wants me to go after him, to beg him to talk to me, but I won’t. He’s mad at me because he can’t let this thing with Zino go. Even if I tell him how fucking ridiculous it is for him to feed into a grudge that really makes no difference now, he’ll still think I’m not taking his side.

Loyalty has always been a big thing for him, and I get it. But there comes a point where you have to see beyond what’s right in front of you. I don’t think I have to tell Jay that I don’t want Zino, or that I’m so stupid in love with him that it’s ridiculous. I hurt his pride, at the end of it, but that not for me to deal with.

I take a shower in the bathroom down the hall, ignoring the bruises that are already starting to appear on my skin. When I’m finished getting ready for bed, I slide in beside his still body.

“Did I hurt you?” He asks in the dark.

“No, I liked it,” I whisper.

He says nothing but shifts so that his back is toward me. I roll my eyes in the dark.

“You’re not talking to me now?”

He says nothing.

“God, sometimes, I can’t deal with you,”

I still get nothing.

“You’ve been with tons of women. And I had to see it all Jay. Not once did I hold it against you. All he does is talk to me, and you freak out like I’m some toy of yours he’s playing with without asking first,”

“It’s not the same thing,” Jay says. “We weren’t together,”

“I loved you the same way I do now, so don’t give me that shit. You’re embarrassed because you think he’s going to do to you what you did to him,”

“Don’t say it like that,”

“Fucking grow up, Jay,”

He stays silents which infuriated me even more. I turn, pushing my feet against his ass and kick him.

“Get up. Get up and talk to me,”

“Ow, Y/n, what the fuck,”

I push until he finally sits up. I can’t see his face but I can imagine that if looks could kill I’d been dead ten times over.

“This is how it works. I talk to whoever I want. Out of respect for you, I decided not to directly work with the guy, but I’m not going to ignore someone who is paying my business for service,”

“He’s just trying to get to me, Y/n. He’s not going to leave you alone because he knows how much it’ll kill me if,” he trails off not finishing his sentence. He doesn’t have to.

“You think I’d do that to you? You think I’m not so fucking crazy about you that’ll it makes me sick just thinking about anyone else touching me?”

“Y/n-,”

“I’m going home,” I slide out of the bed, looking for my phone to call an Uber to my apartment. I grab the first pair of pants I see and luckily they’re mine from when I left them here at some point. I slip them on. Ignoring Jay’s hands that grab for me.

“You can’t be mad at me when I’m mad at you,” he says, blocking the doorway.

I ignore him and push past to get my shoes from his living room. I grab my purse and pull it over my shoulder.

“I did nothing wrong, Jay. You don’t get to fuck me and then treat me like I’m part of the problem,” I cross my arms over my chest. We’ve fought more in the last month than we have throughout our whole friendship.

“I won’t keep going in this circle with you about Zino,” I tell him. My phone vibrates letting me know that my car is outside. “So, I’m going to go home. I don’t want you to call me until you figure out your own shit,”

“How did I become the one in trouble?”

“Because you’re acting like a child. Honestly Jay, the silent treatment?”

“What do you want me to say, Y/n? I’m sorry?”

“I want you not to treat me like shit,” I feel my eyes prick. I don’t want to cry in front of him. As upset as I am, I know he’ll feel a thousand times worse if he knows he made me cry. Still, moisture pools in my eyes and drop down my cheeks. I don’t even know why I’m crying. I love him. I love him and I don’t want to fight with him. We get limited time together and here we are arguing at three in the morning.

I turn away from him to wipe my eyes. It’s no use. My shoulders start to shake. I wrap my arms around myself, moving through the apartment to gather the rest of my things.

“Y/n, don’t do that. Come on,” he sees it. His arms come around me as he pulls me against his chest. My face presses against his skin making it impossible for him not to feel my tears smudge against him.

“Shit, please don’t cry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, ok?” He rubs at my back but it only makes me tear up more. He lifts me off the ground and carries me back to his room. He sits on the edge of his bed and pulls me into his lap. His thumb comes beneath my eyes, wiping away the moisture.

“I’m sorry,” he says again.

“For making me cry or for being a dickhead?” I ask through tears.

He holds my face between his hands, forcing me to look at him.

“Both, Y/n. You don’t know how I feel about you. You’ve always been mine. When someone tries to threaten that,” he sighs, pulling my mouth against his. I don’t know how I always end up here, kissing him like he didn’t just make me upset. He has that thing about him. He can charm his way out of every situation.

“I want to go,” I say pulling away from him. “I don’t want to be here right now,”

His forehead presses against mine, his eyes close tightly. I don’t know why he’s doing this to us. We’re fine, actually more than fine we’re perfect until his head gets in the way.

“Sleep here and I’ll take the other room,” he says.

I don’t trust myself not to seek him out later tonight. I think we’re too used to each other. We need a little space. I stand off his lap and gather up my stuff. I have to call the Uber back because he’s long gone.

“I’m going to go,” I tell him clearing my throat. “I’ll call you,”

“Don’t leave,” he says, his fingers lace with mine pulling me back into his arms. His lips press to my neck. “Don’t leave,” he repeats against my skin.

I’m so weak. I’ve always been so weak for him. He looks at me with those brown eyes like he wants to keep me in this room just to love me for the rest of his life. The way he makes me feel, it’s intoxicating. It’s addicting. And I know his heart. I know he doesn’t mean to make me feel bad. I know he loves me beyond the sun and the moon.

Sometimes I wish I’d didn’t know him as well as I do. I wish I hadn’t gotten the chance to fall in love with every single part of him. It’s making me weak.

“It’s late,” he says. It’s nearly four. Too early in the morning for us to be even having this conversation. He’s right, though. I can’t imagine I’d go to my empty apartment and feel any better.

I look at him, his eyes are tired and a little bloodshot. He bites at his lip while he waits for my answer. His hair is a mess. Still, he’s so pretty my heart aches. I press my hand against the compass tattooed into his skin. My thumb tracing the points.

“I love you,” I whisper.

“I love you too,” he tells me quickly like he’s afraid I’ll go if he hesitates.

“I know,” I tell him. “But do you know that I love you? All of you, even the parts that drive me freaking crazy,”

“I’m sorry, Y/n-,” he goes to apologize again but I interrupt him.

“I don’t think you know. I don’t think you realize how much I love you, Jay,”

“I’m going to do better with you, Y/n. You just have to let me get used to him being around you,”

“It’s work, Jay. He’s just a guy. I shouldn’t have to tell you that I’m on your side,”

His hand spreads out on my thigh. “I know, baby,”

I stand from his lap again and step out of the joggers I’d pulled on. I climb back in bed behind him and reach my hand out for him to join me. I won’t be able to sleep if I know he’s just in the other room. At least that’s how I rationalize it. I ignore the fact that once again I’m sweeping just how hurt I am under the rug and hoping for the best.

Jay grabs my hand and settles beside me, pulling me against his chest. I trace my fingers over the ridges in his back.

“I’m sorry I made you cry,” he says.

“You’re too good for me,”

“Yeah, probably,” I yawn.

He laughs, taking my lips in the dark. He kisses me so thoroughly, that I forget that I’m supposed to be mad at him. I want him again. He’s turned me into a fiend. I suppress the urge to climb on top of him. Instead, I pull away and cuddle deeper into his chest.

He falls asleep quickly after that. He’s never not touching me during the night. His arm stays wrapped around me, or his hands grip my flesh, either way, he keeps me close. I stay up. To go from not having a single issue with someone for years to this. It’s just one thing, I tell myself. It’s just one thing that we have to get over and then we can get back to being us.

With so many pent-up feelings to literally last more than a decade, we’re just now being able to express them. It’s his personality, he’s competitive, he just doesn’t like the guy. I make excuses because the alternative, losing him, isn’t an option.