#royrae

The woman scribbled down a few notes, nodding her head, “You don’t think you have a problem?”

“What exactly did Robin say to you?” She was going to have a little talk with him after this appointment. It was bad enough Robin was forcing her to see a psychiatrist, but she didn’t need him talking about her issues to this random woman.

“That isn’t important.”

“Actually it is.” Talking to this woman was a very clear risk of privacy. Raven wouldn’t be surprised if somehow, someone found out about this and reported it to the tabloids.

Teen Titan Half Demon Unstable

It wasn’t like the media hadn’t already labeled her that and a long list of other unflattering epithets.

She didn’t need to give them ammunition to support their case.

“I think it is more important to establish what you think about why you’re here,” Iris told her, resting notebook in her lap.

“I think it’s bullshit,” Raven shrugged with a satisfied smirk. “So, what did Robin say exactly?”

Iris nodded. “Why do you think it’s bullshit?” She pushed.

Either this woman didn’t understand she was sitting across from an impatient half demon or she didn’t care. “Look, I understand that you’re doing your job, but you get paid no matter what I say or don’t say. Let’s just do ourselves a favor here and stop,” she paused, shaking her head in frustration. “You can sit and do whatever for the next forty-five minutes we have left in the session, then I can leave here and tell Robin whatever he needs to hear so I can get back to doing my job.”

“Okay,” the silver haired woman shrugged with a small smile. She delicately pulled her glasses from her face, tucking them in the pocket of her sweater. “We could do that.”

Sounded good to her.

“Or we could talk about why you think Richard felt like you needed someone to talk to?” She smirked as she leaned back with a satisfied little shrug. “I think it would help pass the time.”

Raven felt her jaw loosen in shock as her arms slowly fell by sides, “How did you know his name?” That definitely wasn’t a lucky guess.

“Richard, or Robin as you know him, is a patient of mine,” Iris told her.

Why was she saying this? “Isn’t that confidential?”

“Typically yes, but he requested I share that information with you.” Iris set her notebook on the little table in front of them. “Remember a few years ago when your adversary Slade nearly killed him?”

“Which time?” Raven questioned dryly. To be fair, there were many.

“The time where you entered his mind,” Iris explained. “And created a mental link that saved his life.”

“He told you that?”

The woman nodded, “Yes.”

“And you believe him?” Raven knew the world had witnessed things from superhuman and paranormal. She and her team along with several other heroes dominated the media at times, but there were still people who had trouble believing in things beyond humanity.

“I do,” she nodded again. “Look, Raven, I get that you have been through some things that I will never have the ability to comprehend, but maybe I can help you work through them.”

“Maybe,” Raven sighed running a hand over her face. “You can’t work through some things.”

“Like?”

“You don’t get it.” This was one of the main reasons she didn’t want to come here. She didn’t want to have to open up an old wound that didn’t have a chance of healing. “I’m the daughter of an interdimensional demon and some poor wayward woman from Gotham who thought it would be cool to worship Satan, but she didn’t realize she was basically a virgin sacrifice.”

Raven wasn’t coming back here after today, so she could put a little extra venom in her voice.

“I destroyed the the place that tried to save me, then I destroyed the Earth by bringing about the apocalypse. And even though I managed to save it, I’m still doomed to an eternity of suffering whenever my luck runs out. But, hey, I’m getting a taste of my eternal damnation now, so,” Raven sucked in a tight breath, voice wavering. “Forgive me if I want to drink. snort a little coke, and have sex with random men.”

“You aren’t worried about getting addicted?”

“I’m half demon. I’m genetically a walking sin.” Addiction wasn’t really an issue. She had to worry about the physical effects of the drugs, but her demon side delighted in the use of illicit substances. It was like eating a piece of chocolate. Delicious, but Raven could resist the temptation. “It doesn’t hit my pleasure center the same way.”

Iris nodded, “That can’t be a healthy way to deal with your problems though?”

“Does it matter at this point?”

“Why wouldn't it?”

Raven frowned as she considered the question. “No matter what I do, I’m doomed.” She shrugged, throwing her hands up defeated. “So, forgive me if I’m tired of having to be okay.”

“No one is saying you have to be okay, Raven,” Iris explained gently. “You’ve been through a lot-“

“It’s fine.”

“It’s understandable that you have some things you need help to come to terms with.”

She shouldn’t have said anything. “Can we please just forget I said anything? Look I’m sorry Robin wasted your time, but I don’t think there is any amount of talking that can help with the massive amount of shi-“

“What happened on your birthday a few years ago?”

Raven froze, feeling a cold wave of numbness flood her veins. Her eyes fluttered dizzily as she felt the air drained from the room. “Why?”

“Just a question.”

She felt her chest heave and her stomach twist in painful knots, “What did Robin tell you?”

“Rave-“

Raven stood up, feeling her fingers cracking with energy. “Don’t.”

Iris stood, stepping in front of her carefully. “What are you feeling right now, Raven?” She softly placed her hands around Raven’s wrists.

“Stop! I’ll-“

“No, you won’t,” Iris assured with a little smirk. “I want you to focus on what you’re feeling. Don’t worry about me.”

Raven’s teeth sunk into her lip as she swallowed the emotions and memories bubbling to the surface, body trembling violently.

“What are you feeling?”

“I-“ Raven’s mouth fell open as a silent scream escaped. Tears stung her eyes, mouth twisting in a pain grimace. “What’s the point?”

Raven had done her best to swallow her trauma and wash it down with partying, isolation, and insomnia.

“It won’t get better.”

Flash Forward

“You’re up early.”

Changeling yawned, scrubbing his hands over his face, “First time for everything.” Truthfully, he hadn’t slept. After Terra had come back into their room, there were too many words wrestling on the tip of his tongue. He figured it was best to camp out in the main room for night.

“Or the start of a new habit,” Nightwing smirked, walking over to the coffee maker.

“Sleeping on the couch? Fuck no,” Changeling groaned. He was going to have to talk to Cyborg about getting a new couch. Unless Terra had woken up in a particularly forgiving mood, he figured he probably was going to be sleeping out here for the rest of the week.

At worst, if she was still pissed at him, he would have to go mattress shopping before he moved back into his old room. Either way, Changeling was stuck with that lumpy ass couch for awhile.

“My back is nine levels of messed up, I’d rather not make this a permanent arrangement.”

Nightwing tossed him a knowing nod, “Terra kicked you out?” There may have been a time or two he was on the other side of his girlfriend’s rage.

“Nope,” he sighed loudly. “We had an argument-“

Nightwing’s eyebrows rose with interest as he bit his tongue.

“About Raven-“

What?

“So,” Changeling shrugged, combing his fingers through his hair staring at the wall in front of him. “I figured I should sleep out here before I said something even dumber.”

Oh really? “What exactly did you say?” Nightwing asked, leaning against the counter. His arms folded across his chest, eyes going to the changeling with a hard stare.

Changeling placed his elbows on the table, pressing his hands underneath his chin. “Well,” he breathed, eyes slowly sliding to the masked Titan. “We talked about how Raven decided to leave without mentioning it to either of us, but,” he chuckled tightly. “Somehow she decided you, Starfire, and Cy deserved notice.”

Nightwing’s hand tightened around his mug, head sharply tilted to the side. “Changeling,” his jaw clenched as his mind crafted careful words. “We didn’t know-“

“Don’t,” Changeling warned, tired eyes narrowing. “Don’t sit here and insult my fucking intelligence.”

That was completely fair. “I’m not.” Nightwing still had a promise to keep.

“So don’t lie to me.”

Nightwing set his mug on the counter. “You need to talk to Raven,” he decided shaking his head.

“How am I supposed to do that when she won’t answer me?” Changeling questioned, voice cracking with exhaustion and confusion. “Do you know why she left?”

“You should talk to Raven about this.”

He knew. “Why did she leave?”

“Ask Raven.”

Changeling clenched his fist, feeling his frustration bleed into his temper. “If she’s in trouble, we have a right to know!”

Nightwing lowered his eyes, exhaling loudly. “You need to ask Raven.” He knew Changeling was trying to pick past his calm responses to trigger an emotional confession. The best thing he could do was remain indifferent and avoid reacting.

“Is it her father?!”

“Again, you would have to ask Raven.”

“Is she sick? Dying?!” It wouldn’t make sense for her to transfer to another team in that situation, but he was getting desperate at this point. “Does she hate California?”

“I’m sure Raven will tell you when she’s ready.” Nightwing knew she probably wouldn’t, but these words were the best he could offer at this point.

Changeling roughly leaned back in his chair. “She’s got till the end of the week to contact me.”

“What does that mean?”

“Ask Raven.” That line seemed to work just fine with him, so Changeling figured he could borrow it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“I miss the tipi.”

Roy laughed as he kicked his feet up on the dashboard. “You miss the mosquito bites?”

Raven’s fingers strummed against the wheel as she continued driving. “I,” she started, checking her side mirror as she changed lanes. “Did not say that.”

“Well, mosquitos were part of the whole tipi experience.”

“So was delicious roasted chicken, peace and quiet, s’mores-”

The redhead released a delighted little moan remembering the delicious gooey chocolate, marshmallow, and graham cracker delights. They’d gone through at least three bags of marshmallows and an obscene amount of candy bars, but it had been worth it. “God, those things were delicious.”

Raven nodded, “We should go back.” The peace and the amazing view definitely made it hard for her to leave, but s’mores were enough to make her want to just abandon whatever her future held to just live under the sky and eat by the fire every night.

“And miss the splendors of Kansas!” Roy’s hands waved at the passenger side window at the view of the land.

Raven looked at the road ahead of them, “It’s flat.” She wasn’t sure how long they’d been driving through Kansas, but she found herself amazed and startled by how even the ground was.

“The Great Plains.”

Raven nodded, leaning her head back as their drive continued. “Yeah.” They’d flown over this area a dozen times on their way to Gotham and Steele, but she never realized how flat the ground actually was. She figured it was the aerial view of the plane causing the illusion. “They weren’t kidding.”

He laughed, picking up the water bottle between them, “I can drive for awhile if you wanna take in the sights.”

She smothered a chuckle tickling up the back of her throat as she looked to left and then right. “It’s a shame I don’t have my cell phone. Could’ve gotten a picture of the wide open road for my scrapbook.”

“Hey now!” He pointed a playful finger at her and gently poking her shoulder. “I had to literally drag you to get you to take a picture at the Four Corners.” Roy had quite literally picked her up and carry her to the intersection of the four states to get a picture of her at the monument. “And, if you really want a picture...” He slowly pulled out his phone, waving it. “I also didn’t know you scrapbooked.”

“I think I need one.” Raven nodded, looking ahead to the animal standing at the gate ahead. “I need to remember that horse.”

“Okay,” he shrugged. “Pull over. We’ll get a picture.”

She shook her head laughing, “No way. We’re not trespassing.” Even though she was against his request, Raven found herself slowly pulling the car over.

“You need a picture with Eli.”

“Eli?” Raven tilted her head looking at the grey horse a few feet away from them.

“He looks like an Eli.”

She leaned over taking a good look at the horse, “I’m not entirely sure that horse is a boy.”

“Hmmm…” Roy unbuckled his seatbelt, quickly hopping out of the car. He walked over to the gate crouching down to check for proof. “Yeah, um…”

Raven crumpled over the steering wheel as she howled at his boldness.

“Eli is definitely a boy!” He shouted with a firm nod.

“You’re ridiculous,” she sighed. Without question, she followed him out of the car approaching the horse. Raven took a step closer to the gate opening her palm to the horse. “And his name is clearly Theodore.”

“Theodore?” Roy snicked.

“Theodore.” A slow smile grew on her lips as she watched the creature lower it’s head toward her a bit. “Or Theo.” She gently placed her hand above his nose giving the horse a soft pat.

“He doesn’t look like a Theo,” Roy teased taking a step back as he raised his phone to take a picture. “Rae!

“Uh,” she turned her head, catching him with the phone raised. “You’re taking a picture of me?”

“You wanted one with Eli.”

Her eyes narrowed at him with a little smile as he horse nuzzled against her hand. “You mean Theodore.”

“Ha!” Roy cackled, stepping back as he couldn’t contain his amusement. “What happened to Theo?”

Raven shrugged, moving her hands underneath the horse’s chin happily. She couldn’t help but wonder if horse’s wagged their tails with delight as dogs did. “His friends call him Theo.”

“Are you saying Eli and I aren’t friends?”

“I’m saying,” she chuckled, delighted at the little whinny. “I think a couple of sugar cubes would help. I wish we could give him a couple marshmallows.”

“Eli likes apples better.”

She rolled her eyes, “Let me see the picture.”

“You remember how to use one of these things?” Roy questioned, holding the phone out to her in one hand his other hand out to the horse.

“Yes, but,” she took the phone from him smiling at the candid image of herself. Her eyes were wide and awe stricken as she faced the camera, the other hand rested on the horse. “I’m kind of enjoying life without it.” For the past couple days she hadn’t felt changed by whatever was going on at Titans West.

It surprised her how apathetic she felt toward her unfinished conversation with Changeling.

The physical distance away from him caused her heartache, but the mental space allowed her head to clear. Raven wasn’t sure what to make of it.

The clarity was nice though.

“Pink cloud.”

What? “Pink cloud,” Raven repeated, looking up at him.

“It’s an AA term,” he told her softly as he leaned against the fence. “It’s the feeling you have really early on when you first get sober. Everything is clear and,” Roy inhaled deeply as he looked out into the field. “You feel good because you’ve taken a step away from self destruction, and you finally feel in control.”

Her fingers tightened around the phone as she leaned against the fence. “Is that bad?” She raised the phone, capturing an image of him. “The pink cloud sounds like Kori land.”

Roy chuckled, nodding, “It’s nice.” The pink cloud was happy, warm, and safe. He remembered one of the guys in AA describing it like being wrapped in a warm fleece blanket after being left out in the cold for years. That warmth allowed your mind to reset and make sense of chaos for the first time in awhile.

“It is.” She beamed showing him the photo.

He smirked, chuckling quickly at the photo she’d taken.

“I think I may have misjudged the Great Plains,” Raven whispered looking out into the field beyond the fence.

He didn’t have the heart to tell her that eventually clouds faded.

“I would have to say so.” Roy carefully watched her.

He remembered a month after the first time he’d gotten sober. After the nausea and cravings had faded, Roy was able to find peace and clarity. He was sitting with his sponsor in a stuffy church after an AA meeting. The hot summer sun illuminated the stained glass as he felt himself melt against the pew. He couldn’t forget that moment.

No matter how he tried, Roy found himself clinging to that memory

The stale coffee and powdered sugar clung to his senses when he recalled the moment the clouds in his mind faded. For the first time, he didn’t need the burn of vodka or the pinch of an injection in his veins. Warm feeling of resolution washed over him as sweat beaded down his body.

It was the first time Roy believed he was going to be okay.

That he was going to survive this.

“We should get some ice cream.” Raven sighed as her hands pressed into top rung of the fence, leaning into the breeze.