#rowritesstuff

"The poor boy's parents were fuming when they caught him with his face covered in frosting," you cackled and Nikolai threw a pillow from your sofa, which you were both sitting on, at you, which only made you laugh harder.

"I believe they banned him from any social events for a month because of that incident." Nikolai took a small sip of his whiskey.

"I still think he deserved it."

"Oh, of course."

You settled in a comfortable silence, sipping your drinks, chuckling every few seconds. Nikolai scooted closer to you on the couch, moving the pillow he had thrown at you off your lap and next to him.

You leaned your head on his shoulder. He took a deep inhale before wrapping his arm around your waist and pulling you a little closer to him as he took a final sip of his whiskey. Noticing that you had also finished your drink, he took your glass and placed both yours and his on the table in front of you before settling back into you.

"For the record, I would do the same thing for you," Nikolai said, breaking the silence.

You snorted. "You have done the same thing. Remember when we were sixteen? We had just enlisted and that stupid asshole-"

You were interrupted by Nikolai's lips crashing onto yours, pulling you into a kiss. You tensed up for just a few seconds, but before you could return the kiss, he pulled away and turned his body away from you.

"Nik."

Nikolai gathered his coat from your couch and stood up, leaving your room without another word.

Your jaw dropped at the shock that he just left right after kissing you without even giving you a chance to say anything.

Nikolai avoided you for two weeks. Anytime you tried to speak to him he would walk away as if he had somewhere to be. Which, with him being a king, he very well may have had somewhere to be, but it was still rude.

Since he wouldn't come to you, you would go to him. No matter if it was the middle of the night.

You banged on his door, aggressively knocking until he finally opened the door.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he hissed. "It's late. You should be sleeping."

"So should you, but you're not even dressed for bed," you slipped past him and entered his room, stopping at a small table covered in piles of documents of work and you picked one up, "and you're working."

Nikolai closed his door behind you and leaned his back against the wall. "Well, you're dressed for bed." He gestured to the robe that was wrapped around you, covering your nightgown. "Why are you here?"

You dropped the paper back on the table. "I'm here because you kissed me two weeks ago and you have been avoiding me since." He lowered his head to avoid your gaze. "I deserve an explanation."

"I shouldn't have kissed you."

You stomped over to Nikolai. "Says who?"

"Me!" He pointed to his chest. "I shouldn't have put you in that position!"

"If you had waited one more second I would have kissed you back! I was just shocked because I didn't think you returned my feelings for you!"

Nikolai shook his head. "We're not doing this."

"Why?"

He gripped your arms, not nearly enough to hurt you, and pulled your body closer to his. He lowered his lips to your ear. "Because if we start, I won't want to stop," he whispered.

"And what if I don't want you to stop?"

He pulled back from you a little, looking into your eyes. E/C eyes that showed your love for him, your desire for him, and your anger toward him for ignoring you for two weeks.

He swallowed and moved his hands from gripping your upper arms to your lower back, covered by that damn silk robe. He had seen you in it many times before and he considered each moment a blessing. It was your favorite color and it suited your body perfectly.

"Are you sure?"

You nodded. "Yes."

Now having your permission, he spun the two of you, you now pinned against the wall he was previously leaning on. He captured your lips against his, pushing you even closer to the wall while one of your hands landed on the nape of his neck, curling into the short hair there, and the other went to his upper back, pushing him closer to your body.

He obliged your hand's desire, pressing himself against you. His lips wandered from yours to your jaw, then down to your neck. You let out a sigh as you moved your head to the side to give him more access. In appreciation, he sucked a hickey into your neck.

As Nikolai kissed down your body, your hand gripped his hair. Once he was fully kneeling in front of you, he looked up into your eyes as he untied the tie of your robe. He opened the silk fabric, giving him full view of your nightgown-covered body. He pressed a kiss to your clothed hip bone and looked up at you again. "Can you please take your robe off, darling?"

You pushed the robe off your shoulders and let it fall down your arms, dropping it into a pool of silk at your feet. Taking advantage of the robe on the floor, Nikolai placed it under his knees to protect himself from kneeling on the hard floors.

Nikolai dragged his fingers up your leg into your nightgown, pushing it up to your waist. You took the nightgown off and threw it off to the side.

You were left in only your underwear that blocked the one thing Nikolai had on his mind in that moment.

"Can I take these off?" he asked.

"Yes," you whispered.

He dragged the small garment down your legs, lifting your feet to completely remove them from your body.

He took a moment to drink in the visual of your completely naked body. You were perfect. You were the only Saint that he would ever worship, and he intended to do just that.

He nudged your right leg a little bit away from your left, giving you the hint to spread your legs. Once you were where he wanted you, his hands went to your hips and he gave them little massages as he moved his face closer to you.

You took deep breaths as you watched him move closer until he finally placed a kiss on your clit. You gasped, one hand returning to his hair and the other holding onto the doorframe next to you for support.

Nikolai kissed wet, open-mouthed kisses around your pussy, leaving you gasping and moaning while he kept looking up at your face. He kissed and licked and sucked at your entrance and your grip tightened on his messy blond curls.

He licked from your entrance to your clit, closing his eyes as he sucked at it. Your hand moved from his hair to the back of his head to push his face closer into you. After a little fluttering of his tongue on your pussy, then your clit, a high overcame you, making you lean your head back on the wall. One of Nikolai's hands came up to your side to massage it as he worked you through the orgasm, greedily licking at all of your wetness until you pushed his head away.

He smiled as he fell to the floor before he stood back up, holding you against him as he kissed your cheek, whispering praises into your ear while you recovered.

"I've got you, sweetheart. I've got you."

You pulled him into a kiss, tasting yourself on his lips. Slowly, you began making your way to Nikolai's bed until you hit his mattress. You fell down onto the bed, Nikolai following, placing himself on top of you.

You broke the kiss and scrambled to unbutton Nikolai's shirt. Your hands were still shaking, making it difficult to undo the buttons. Noticing your shaking hands, Nikolai took hold of your hands, stopping you. He pressed light kisses on your fingertips.

"Go ahead and lay on the pillows. I'll be right there."

You scooted yourself up his mattress, laying your head comfortably on his pillows as he had asked you to. Only a moment later, Nikolai was crawling above you, completely bare. You looked down his body from his chest, and lower, and lower.

Nikolai gently lifted your chin, forcing you to look him in the eye. He pressed a soft kiss in between your eyebrows. "Have you done this before?" he asked.

You nodded. You had had a few flings in your lifetime, as you were sure Nikolai did too, especially during his time as Sturmhond. He had his own flings on the Volkvolny, as did you.

"Good. I'll give you as much time as you need to adjust and if you ever need me to stop, you let me know. I don't want to hurt you."

You gave him a quick kiss. "You could never hurt me. Except for when you avoided me for two weeks, but- Saints."

His cock entering you interrupted you, though it was quite the pleasant interruption. He filled you slowly and perfectly. Nikolai kissed your cheek as his hips met yours. You took some deep breaths as you got used to the feeling of his cock inside of you. Finally, you gave him a ready nod.

Nikolai started off slowly and it wasn't until you asked him to go faster that he sped up. He kissed you deeply as he fucked you. You moaned into those kisses, the feeling of his cock sending you into euphoria.

"Fuck!" you cursed. "A little harder please?"

He obeyed, going just a bit harder, but enough to have you seeing stars. Your hand started moving down your body to rub at your clit, but Nikolai swatted your hand away and rubbed your clit in small circles himself.

Your hands returned to his hair for the millionth time that night, gripping the blond tufts. He gasped.

"Shit, can you pull it harder?"

You tugged on his hair, making him moan loudly. You smiled as you continued pulling on his hair, loving the sounds that escaped him at the feeling.

He began thrusting into you rougher, bringing you closer and closer to the edge of orgasm.

"Nik, fuck! I'm so close!"

Nikolai rubbed at your clit harder. "Me too. Where do you want it?"

"In me! Just-" You groaned, your orgasm overcoming you.

Nikolai wasn't far behind you. It was only a few seconds after your orgasm when you felt his cum shoot into you. He stilled, peppering kisses on your forehead and cheeks.

After you recovered, he slowly pulled out of you, rolling off you and onto the bed to your right. He opened a drawer in his nightstand, grabbed something, and closed it before rolling back to face you and handing you the Alkemi contraceptive. You drank it and he took the empty bottle, placing it on top of the nightstand.

He pulled you closer to him, where your side was tucked close to his torso. The both of you rested in this position for a few moments, you laying on your back, him on his side.

"I'm an idiot," Nikolai said quietly.

You smiled. "Congratulations, you've finally caught up with the rest of us."

He gently pinched your side before lightly laughing.

"What I mean is I shouldn't have avoided you. I shouldn't have left your room that night without letting you say or do anything. I'm sorry."

Your thumb rubbed his cheek. "Apology accepted. On one condition. You tell me how long you've been in love with me."

Nikolai groaned. "My eighth birthday party is when it started. When I saw how determined you were to ruin that idiot's life over him being mean to me."

You laughed. "Wow. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't that."

"Now it's your turn."

You shook your head. "I'm not the one who owed an apology."

Nikolai raised his brows. "Fine. Since you don't want to tell me..."

He moved his hand from your side to your clit, rubbing small circles again. You threw your head back on the pillows, cursing.

"Shit, Nik."

He didn't stop. He kept rubbing your clit, occasionally dipping into your pussy for more moisture. He sped up his motions until you came once again. He gathered all of the wetness on his fingers and licked it all off.

"When we were 16 and had just enlisted. That asshole Novikov was harassing me. You punched him in the face one day. Three times. You broke his nose. That's when I fell in love with you."

"Awww. We both fell in love with each other when we harmed other people." He kissed your forehead. "Should we be concerned about that?"

"Probably, but right now, I want to sleep."

Nikolai hummed in response, pulling the blankets over the two of you. You turned to lay on your side as he got up to blow out all of the candles. When he finally got back in bed, he pulled you into him, your back against his chest, and he wrapped his arms around you.

"I love you," Nikolai whispered.

You closed your eyes. "I love you, too."

"Good night."

After you finally decided to leave the Crow Club at some unsaintly hour, you should have gone to bed. Instead, you couldn't stop thinking of Kaz.

Kaz Brekker. Dirtyhands. The Bastard of the Barrel. What could you possibly have to think about him? Maybe it was his hair, the way the dark strands fell across his forehead sometimes. Or, it could be his sharp jawline or the way he carried himself as if he owned the rooms and buildings he walked in, which sometimes he did.

You have to admit, when you heard the tales of Dirtyhands when you first arrived in Ketterdam, you never imagined he'd be so easy on the eyes until you met him. But he was. Oh, Saints, he was.

You didn't go straight to bed after bidding Jesper a good night, so what did you do? As any drunk person would, you wrote a note to your crush, which, in your case, was Kaz. You could barely even remember what the note said by the time you slid it under his bedroom door.

Then you went to bed.

You woke up the next morning feeling very hungover and regretting the amount you drank the night before. Despite feeling like death, you got up, got dressed, and went on with your day.

You didn't have much you had to do that day, so you took the time to neaten your room up a bit. After finishing that task, you decided to do some shopping around the city, since you had recently earned a decent amount of money from a job.

You returned to the Crow Club late that night. When you walked in, Kaz asked for you to meet up with him in his room. Once you put your things in your room, you followed his orders and went into his.

You had forgotten about the note you gave Kaz until you saw it folded up on his desk. You tensed up a bit, thinking that the note was the reason Kaz wanted to see you, but he didn't even mention it.

All that happened was you and Kaz had a conversation. He spoke about new tips on jobs and some shared memories of old ones while you spoke about the things you had done that day and how you had been recently. Kaz never even brought up the note.

Throughout the conversation, you somewhat hoped he would bring it up, maybe so you would remember what you wrote on it. Or maybe so you could know if he read it or what he thought of it.

At least, no matter what stupid things you wrote on it, you could blame your drunkenness from the night before.

As you were tossing and turning in your bed after Kaz let you leave, you were picking the conversation apart in your head, trying to dissect Kaz's words and find the true meaning of why he wanted to see you.

You figured that it didn't matter for two reasons. One, Kaz Brekker is not a man that is easy to figure out. Two, it was just a one-time thing.

Except, it wasn't.

It became an every night thing.

Every night, Kaz would ask you to come into his room and the two of you would just talk. About everything. About nothing. It went on for weeks before Inej mentioned it to you.

"Are you and Kaz together?" Inej asked you as you entered your bedroom after breakfast. You had no idea she was there, so she scared you.

Your hand flew to your chest. "I swear to the Saints, Inej, if you keep doing that, one day I'm going to accidentally shoot you."

"Answer the question. Are you and Kaz together?"

"No, we're not." You answered after getting your bearings. "What makes you think we are?"

"You go to his room for hours every night. There is clearly something between you and him."

You sat on your bed. "But there isn't anything between us. We're just talking."

"About what?" You shrugged. Inej smiled. "Y/N, do you like him?"

"What?"

"Kaz. Do you like Kaz?"

You played with your hands with your head facing your lap. "Maybe..."

Inej laughed. "Do you think he likes you too?"

You sighed. "I don't know, Inej. Every night when I go to bed, I'm dissecting our conversations, looking for signs that I don't even know are there or not. Sometimes I think he looks at me in a way he doesn't look at anyone else, and then he looks away, and his eyes are the same as they always are. Cold and emotionless."

Inej sat down next to you. "He talks to you for hours every night. Clearly, he wants to see you and be in your presence because he asks you to go to his room every night."

You dropped your upper body onto your mattress. "What if I'm just reading it wrong? What if I make a move and it turns out that he never saw me in that way?" Inej shrugged and she lied down next to you. "I think I'd be better off dying if that happened."

Inej laughed, which made you laugh. Soon, the two of you were mercilessly giggling to the point your stomachs hurt.

Your laughter was interrupted by Jesper barging in and practically pulling Inej up. "Inej, please help me. There's a really cute boy in the Club and I need you to be my wing woman."

Inej looked back at you. "I'll leave you with your thoughts and dissection of conversations. Good luck."

You smiled as she left the room, being dragged by Jesper.

Later that night, you had a couple of drinks by yourself at the Crow Club. Kaz hadn't asked you to come to his room yet, and you weren't sure he would. You didn't know if you were content with not speaking with him that night or if it bothered you.

Kaz was a confusing creature. He managed to have hours-long conversations with you without telling you anything about himself. You still barely knew anything about his past or anything about him.

The only thing you had learned about him, is that he was comfortable taking his gloves off around you. He always wore the gloves, no matter what, but around you, he didn't wear them.

You didn't know why Kaz wore the gloves, and you certainly weren't going to press him about it, but you guessed that they had to be some sort of a shield for him. Or maybe even armor.

However, the gloves were only a piece of his armor. He still wore the rest of it, never showing his full self. You imagined that if you were in love with someone, you would want to take off your armor around them and show your full, true, real self to them. So, maybe he didn't love you. Maybe you were reading those rare glances wrong.

You set your empty glass down at the bar, paid what you had to, and went all the way upstairs, standing in front of Kaz's door. You knew that this could be a disaster, but you slowly lifted your fist to the wooden door, and you knocked.

You heard some small thing drop onto wood, most likely Kaz's desk, and then you heard a chair scraping on the floor and Kaz's cane hitting the floor as he made his way to the door.

You wanted to throw yourself down the stairs when you saw his face in the doorway. You looked down at his ungloved hand resting on his crow-head cane.

"Y/N?" Kaz asked after a moment of awkward silence.

You shook your head. "I'm drunk. I shouldn't have come here."

Kaz sighed. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, just drunk. And I have the urge to jump out of a window. Or off a roof."

Kaz moved to the side of the doorway. "Come insi-"

"I love you." Kaz stared at you, his face unreadable. You entered his room and you sat in the chair you always sat in when you came here. You held your head in your hands. "Kaz Brekker, I love you."

Kaz closed the door. The sound seemed so loud in the silent room. "You're lying."

Your head snapped up, your eyes meeting his. He looked almost angry. "What?"

"You're lying to me. That note you gave me is full of lies. You're a liar." He looked away from you, unable to bear your eye contact.

You stormed up to his desk and you snatched the parchment that your note from many nights before was written on and you read it.

Dear Kaz, If you couldn't tell, I am very drunk right now, so, I had the brilliant idea to tell you about my feelings for you. You're really pretty. Like, really pretty. Is pretty the right word? Oh. The word I'm looking for is handsome. You're really handsome. I like you. Sober me would never tell you that, but I'm not sober right now, am I? That's it. Please burn this when you're done reading it. Even better, don't read this at all. Love, Y/N P.S., you're really pretty.

You cringed as you set the paper back on the desk. "I see you didn't burn the note." You glanced back at Kaz. He still refused to look at you. "I don't know why you're calling me a liar when clearly I tell the truth most when I'm drunk."

"Stop lying to me and giving me hope." Kaz took a shaky breath. "You're right. You shouldn't have come here. Now, please go." You stared at Kaz, frozen in your place. He glanced at you for only a second before he turned around. "Go!"

You left the room and slammed his door behind you. You stormed down the stairs.

You called him pretty. Multiple times. He couldn't help but blush at the compliment.

But it wasn't real. It couldn't be. You were definitely drunk that night. Kaz had seen you and Jesper sitting at a table for hours as drinks kept coming. But perhaps the two of you had decided that it would be funny to send Kaz a fake love note.

Kaz had to finally be honest with himself. He was interested in you. After weeks of speaking to you every night and learning about you, he had fallen in love with you. He knew that he still didn't know everything about you. You still kept some of your cards close to your chest, which was smart. But the things he did know about you, he loved.

He loved your ability to keep conversations for hours. He loved that you never allowed silence between the two of you to be awkward. And on the rare occasion, he made you laugh, he was in love with your laugh. He was in love with your smile. Your smile was gorgeous.

Kaz hadn't spoken to you in weeks. If he needed you to know something, he would ask Inej or Jesper to deliver the message. He knew they were annoyed with it, but with a few extra kruge in their pockets, they did as they were asked.

Every once and a while, you would knock on his door and ask to talk, but Kaz could never bring himself to let you in.

He needed a drink. He folded your note back up and set it on his desk. After finding his cane, he left his room and climbed down the stairs to the Crow Club.

As he made his way to the bar, he saw you sitting at a table with Inej. Your back was facing him, but he knew it was you. Inej glanced at Kaz for only a second before going back to listen to whatever you were talking about.

Kaz found Jesper at the bar. The bartender gave Kaz a drink.

"Y/N was right there and you did nothing."

Kaz sighed. "I don't want to hear it."

Jesper set his drink on the bar's surface somewhat aggressively. "We're talking. What happened?"

"We're not talking and the only thing that happened is Y/N lied." Kaz drank.

"Wow, I think that is the most bullshit I have ever heard in a sentence."

"They said that they loved me."

"Can you tell me how that is lying? I'm confused." Kaz shot Jesper an annoyed look. "They do love you. You just don't see it." Jesper took another drink. "You haven't seen their eyes light up when they see you. And they haven't seen the way you study them as if they're the most beautiful, awesome person that you're trying to figure out."

You came up to the bar. Without even glancing at Kaz, you paid what you needed to and you went up the stairs. Kaz's gaze followed you as you left.

"It's the gloves, isn't it?" Jesper asked.

Kaz's grip around his glass tightened. "What?"

"I may never know why you wear them, and I will never ask you, but something tells me that it's holding you back." Jesper finished off his drink. "Just think about it." He slapped a few kruge onto the bar and left.

Kaz stood up from the bar, grabbed his cane, and he went up the stairs. He didn't keep going up when he got to the floor your room was on. He found your room and stood in front of your door.

This could be a disaster. This already was a disaster.

He knocked on the door. Through the door, he heard you get up from your bed and walk over to the door. He wanted to leave. He wanted to stay.

When you opened the door and saw him, your demeanor changed. "Kaz," you stated simply.

Kaz stared at you for a moment. He looked into your eyes, they were quite beautiful up close. He swallowed. "Can we talk?"

"What is there to talk about? You made your feelings clear a few weeks ago."

"I didn't." Kaz inhaled. "I messed up. Can we please discuss this?"

You placed your forehead against the doorframe. "Fine." You opened the door fully and let him in.

When he got inside, he sat down on the foot of your bed. You leaned against the hall. Saints, you were beautiful.

He took a deep breath and he told you everything. He told you that he thought you were lying when you told him you loved him because he didn't think you could love someone you had never even touched or fully known. He decided he wanted you to completely know him.

He told you about his brother, about the gloves.

And you listened. You took in every single one of his words and you listened to the stories he told you. You didn't look at him with pity.

When he was telling you about his brother's death, he started crying. You wrapped a blanket around your hands, chest, and neck and you held him as he cried.

You made sure that Kaz was comfortable. He didn't think it was possible, but he fell in love with you even more.

You were interrupted by the door opening and giggles disrupting the silence. The source of the laughing was Kaz and Alyx, who was receiving a piggyback ride from Kaz.

"She's supposed to be in bed!" Although you were slightly mad; Alyx should have been in bed by now, you couldn't help the loving smile that took over your face.

You never expected Kaz to get along with your daughter so well. Even before you and Kaz were together, he gave Alyx nothing but kindness and care. Alyx had adored Kaz since they met when she was just a few months old. When your relationship with Kaz grew, he swiftly stepped into the role of Alyx's father figure.

Kaz turned his back to face you and let Alyx fall onto the bed in front of you. The small girl erupted into more giggles. "Someone wanted to say good night to the most beautiful girl in the world."

"Hey!" Alyx exclaimed.

Kaz kissed Alyx's forehead. "Sorry. The second most beautiful girl in the world. Right after Alyx."

You pulled Alyx into your arms, cradling her. "Although I am very happy that you wanted to say good night, you need to be asleep." Your gaze went back to Kaz. "I swear to the Saints, if she's grumpy tomorrow, you'll be taking care of her."

Kaz rolled his eyes; he would gladly take care of your daughter any day, no matter what mood she was in. He scooped Alyx back up and placed a kiss on the top of your head. "I'll put her to bed now."

"Thank you."

As Kaz moved to leave the room, Alyx shouted out "good night!" to you.

"Good night, darling!" The door closed behind the two people you loved most in the world.

Shortly after they left and you continued working, Kaz came back and settled down at his desk. He removed his leather gloves, which despite making huge progress on overcoming his touch aversion, he still often wore around Alyx. Alyx was a very touchy, somewhat clingy child. Sometimes overwhelmingly so. Kaz refused to ask her to be more careful with him, or even let you ask her, so he wore the gloves.

The two of you worked in comfortable silence, occasionally asking for the other's help every once in a while until the early morning hours. As more and more time passed, you felt the exhaustion hit you harder each hour. The words on the page blended together, though you could barely focus on understanding the combinations of letters. Your eyes grew heavy as you tried to work through the tiredness.

You must have fallen asleep at some point because you woke up to Kaz shaking you and frantically saying something about Alyx. You couldn't comprehend the words coming out of his mouth.

"Slow down," you said once you were mostly lucid. "What's going on?"

"Alyx is missing."

You sighed. "She's probably just wandering around in the kitchen or something."

Kaz put a stuffed lion toy in your lap. "This was in her bed."

You picked the toy up and inspected it. As your fingers ran around the plush fabric, your breathing shook. Alyx had a stuffed crow, which she loved to death, but she never had a stuffed lion.

You started to take some deeper inhales, attempting to get into a mindspace to think rationally.

Alyx wasn't in her bed.

There was a stuffed lion toy in her place.

You had no idea where she was or when she was taken.

That's all you knew.

Kaz took the toy from your hands and tossed it on the floor to deal with later. He took your hands in his gloved ones, running his thumbs over your knuckles. You knew he was trying to calm you or ease your mind with gentleness, but it wasn't working.

He pulled you into him, resting your head on his chest. He lowered his mouth to your ear and whispered, "I will find whoever did this, and I will make them regret it."

Kaz limped into the bedroom late the next day. After carefully leaning his cane against the wall, he took his coat off and hung it up. His gaze navigated to the bed, where, thankfully, you were sleeping.

You hadn't slept the night before; you were worrying and trying to find Alyx. Before he had left earlier, he asked you to get some sleep, though at the time, you didn't seem happy at the request.

Kaz made his way to the bathroom, quickly finding the washbasin. He removed his gloves, as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. Spots of dried blood decorated his right cheek. He set his gloves aside on the counter, more blood from the gloves smearing on the surface.

Hours and hours of interrogating Dime Lions and torturing Dime Lions and none of them gave any information. They all claimed ignorance. He'd sent Inej on multiple sweeps of Dime Lion territory and nothing.

Alyx was nowhere.

Kaz gripped the edge of the counter, his hands wet from washing the blood from his face. He stared into the water in the washbasin.

She had to be somewhere. Someone had to know something. He didn't care how many people got hurt in the process, he would find Alyx for you. For him.

He knew that Alyx saw him as a father figure and he knew that he cared for the girl, but her being gone made him realize the true paternal love he felt for her. Alyx had a presence that brightened up every room she stumbled into. Kaz missed her smile, her hugs, her laughter, her tears, her curiosity, her light that hadn't been killed by Ketterdam yet.

She was his daughter, blood be damned.

And he was going to find her and bring her home.

He wiped the tears from his cheeks before he went back into the bedroom and changed into clean clothes. From behind him, he heard blankets shifting around. He turned, and there you were. Eyes open, hair tangled; you still looked half asleep. You looked up at him.

He shook his head. Your eyes closed as your hand rubbed your face. "I've sent Inej on another sweep, this time of all of Ketterdam." He sat on the bed as he buttoned up his white shirt. You moved closer to him. "Knowing her, she'll find or intercept something and we'll find Alyx and bring her home to you-"

"Kaz, stop."

He turned his upper body to face you, confusion etched on his features. He removed his hands from the undone top button of his shirt and he placed one on your blanket-covered side. He silently waited for you to continue.

"Please stop sugar-coating this and giving me false hope."

"It's not false hope. Inej may actually find something."

"Kaz, it's been well over a day-"

"Don't you dare tell me what I think you're about to."

You sat up and took his face in your hands, eyes flooding with tears. His hand stayed on your side. "It kills me to even think about it, but we need to be realistic. We're in Ketterdam, for Saints sake. This place isn't known for rainbows and sunshine." Your voice cracked and wavered as you spoke.

Kaz remained silent as tears trickled down both your cheeks and his cheeks.

"Y/N, I have no idea where she is." His other hand went to her other side. "We don't deserve this. Alyx doesn't deserve this."

You pulled him into you as sobs racked the both of you.

You watched Kaz as he slept next to you. You were sitting up in your bed as Kaz's head lay on the pillow next to your lap. Despite his roughed up hair and messy appearance, you admired his peaceful beauty. Your fingers ran through his dark hair, calming you.

He had fallen asleep in your arms, which had only proved to you how deprived he was of sleep. You had to briefly wake him to move into this position, which was much more comfortable for the both of you.

Five quick taps at your window made you zone back into the world outside of Kaz. You removed your hands from his hair and you quickly got out of bed, finding Inej crouching outside the bedroom window. You opened it, letting her in.

Inej held out an opened letter to you. "What is it?" you asked as you took the letter out of the envelope.

"I intercepted it before it got to the recipient. It's a communication from within the Razorgulls."

You skimmed the letter, finding mentions of a toddler girl and Kaz, though he was addressed as "Dirtyhands". The toddler girl must be Alyx, who the letter said was "Dirtyhands' daughter". Whoever sent the letter had Alyx.

"The Razorgulls took her. But they left a stuffed lion."

"Most likely to throw us off their trail and onto the Dime Lions'. And it worked."

"Do you know where this came from?"

Inej nodded. "I wrote the address." She handed you a slip of paper.

"Thank you so much," you whispered before kissing her cheek and pulling her into a hug. "I owe you everything."

"Just focus on getting your daughter back." Eventually, Inej broke the hug and left the room through the window. You ran to the bed and woke Kaz.

He woke up, slightly delirious, but once you told him that you knew Alyx's location, he snapped into full attention.

It was a simple two-person job, with you and Kaz being the two people. When Inej scoped out Alyx's location, she found there was only ever two people guarding the building, which you could very easily take out. The Razorgulls were careless.

You and Kaz studied the building from behind the side of a wall. In front, you saw the two guards Inej had told you about. They would be very easy to take care of. The guards paced around the front of the building, chatting with each other.

Kaz turned to you. "You take the right guard, I'll take the left. Once we get in, I'll focus on finding Alyx while you deliver our message. I'll find you once I have her." He took your hand in his gloved one.

Your other hand played with the strap of the satchel that crossed your body as you nodded. "Let's go."

You and Kaz snuck around in opposite directions, making your way for a sneak attack on the guards. On the way, you picked up a decent-sized rock. You hid behind the wall of the building, watching Kaz on the other side. At his nod, you ran toward the guard on the right.

You brought the rock down on the guard's head, knocking him out fairly quickly. When you looked back up, Kaz had knocked out his guard. The both of you bolted to the front door, swiftly opening it and running inside. You ran up the staircase as Kaz searched the first floor for Alyx.

You eventually found what appeared to be the office room in the building. You stopped at the wooden desk and opened your satchel. You lined up the five stuffed gull toys on the desk. After taking your knife out of your pocket, you carefully made a slice on the throats of each toy bird. Satisfied with your work, you placed the knife back in your pocket.

Not long after you finished, you heard quick footsteps behind you. You turned, and there she was. Alyx ran to you and you scooped her up in your arms, holding her tight as your eyes slipped close.

The tears falling down your face didn't matter. The world didn't matter. Nothing else mattered in that moment.

The sound of a cane clicking against the wooden floor made your eyes open again. Kaz stood awkwardly in the doorway, watching you hold Alyx. After making your way to him, you kissed his cheek.

Nearly an hour passed before Kaz went to you. He wanted to be sure your lover wouldn't be coming back. He stood next to you once he made it to the bar and he discreetly put his gloved hand onto yours, which was placed on your drink.

"You've had enough, love," Kaz said just loud enough for you to hear. You removed his hand from the glass and you brought it to your lips, lightly kissing the tips of his fingers.

His heart flipped around in his chest. You were always so gentle with him, never pushing him past his comfort zone. You recently started kissing his fingertips or sometimes his hands, if you had permission. He loved these moments with you, but they were usually in private, not at the Crow Club's bar. He didn't mind it at all.

"Take me home."

Kaz nodded. He dug some kruge out of his pocket and he put it next to your drink before he helped you out of your seat. You slipped your hand into his and you looked up at him, asking without speaking.

Is this okay?

He answered by squeezing your hand. He guided you through the Ketterdam streets. If you weren't drunk, you would have been faster than him, having to consciously slow your steps to stay at his pace, but currently, it wasn't much of an issue.

He held onto your hand tightly, but not tight enough to even slightly hurt you.

When the two of you made it to the Slat, you both knew the stairs would be a feat, but you helped each other up the steps. The two of you eventually made it up to your room, where your lover would be inside sleeping. When you were standing outside your door, Kaz let go of your hand.

He expected you to go inside, maybe even thank him, but you didn't. You just stood there, outside your bedroom door.

"Y/N?" he whispered.

You took hold of his hand again, looking up at him. Kaz's breath stopped for a second, not knowing what to expect next.

"This isn't what I wanted when I asked you to take me home," you breathed.

It took Kaz a moment to understand what you meant, but when he got it, he immediately sprung into action. He brought you further up the stairs, making it to the top floor; to his room.

Once he got you inside and shut the door, he took off his coat, leaving himself in his buttoned shirt and vest. You lightly put your hands on the sides of his clothed biceps. Another question asked without speaking.

May I?

Kaz was the one who acted. He pulled you into him, the kisses starting gently and getting rougher as they continued. The night ended with clothes on the floor before the two of you got far into the room.

This thing you two had had been going on for a couple of years now. During those years, when you should have been with your lover, you had been helping Kaz overcome his touch aversion. Of course, he still had problems, but he had made great progress.

Everything you did made Kaz fall harder for you. Something as simple as putting on the slightest bit of makeup for a job had him enthralled. He wished he could have you; truly have you. He wished he could scream that he was yours from the rooftops with all of Ketterdam hearing him.

He may never know why you wouldn't leave your lover to be with him. Kaz would gladly give himself to you, but you wouldn't do the same, nor would you truly have him.

But he would always be there for you. When your friends would become too much for you, you would come to him and he would be there to whisk you off to some special spot in Ketterdam. He would be there at your every beck and call, whenever you needed or wanted him.

It killed Kaz every time he would see you and your lover together. In public. Showing affection towards each other.

Something Kaz could never do with you.

Even watching you hold hands with them set him off, though he knew he couldn't be mad. They were your lover. Kaz was not.

Now, Kaz was wandering around the Crow Club. Inej had informed him earlier that you, her, and Nina would be spending the evening there. Apparently, you had gotten into an argument with your lover and needed to release the tension.

It was stupid, honestly. He went to the Club hoping to see you, maybe even spend some time with you, but he could barely even find you in the large crowd of people. Good for business. Bad for a secret love.

He did find you eventually. You were sitting alone at a table with a nearly empty drink. Inej and Nina were nowhere in sight.

It was a risk, but he took it.

Kaz sat next to you and held your hand below the table. Your face scrunched and you snatched your hand away from his. "Kaz, what the hell?"

His throat tightened. He felt like he was a child in trouble for breaking a valuable vase. "Sorry."

"We're in public. We can't do that."

Because you won't leave your so-called "lover."

Kaz pushed the thought away. He slightly nodded. "I'm sorry."

"Speaking of our relationship, I think we should end this." You took a sip of your drink.

That knocked the air out of his lungs. His eyes searched your face, looking for any signs that you were joking. None showed. "What?"

"I'm already with someone-"

"Someone who you're now drinking to forget."

You set the drink on the table. "Watch it, Kaz."

He took in a shaky breath. He needed to leave. So he did. He left the Crow Club without saying another word.

Once he made it to his room in the Slat, he threw his cane onto his bed and knocked the chair to his desk down. He ran his gloved hand through his hair as he sat down on his bed. That's when the tears came.

Kaz didn't cry much. He always did when it came to you. He cried when you were hurt. Every once in a while he cried when he wanted to hold you, but you weren't there. You were with them.

A few months had passed. You finally left that lover of yours. Kaz's relationship with you remained strictly professional.

It was late in the night. Kaz couldn't sleep. He had no work to do, so he just laid in his bed, staring at the ceiling.

That was, until someone knocked on his door.

Sighing, Kaz got up and found his crow-head cane in the darkness. He froze when he opened the door and saw you. Your cheeks were tear-stained and you looked disheveled. Yet, somehow, you still looked beautiful. You always looked beautiful.

You wrapped your arms around your body. "I've missed you."

I missed you too.

"Can I come in?" You barely spoke above a whisper. You were very clearly scared, most likely of him and what he'd say, but Kaz silently stepped out of the way, allowing you inside.

You closed the door for him once you got inside. Kaz lit a candle to bring some light into the room and sat down on the edge of his bed while you sat on the floor nearby after grabbing a stray pillow.

You rested your head on his good leg as tears began flowing out of your eyes. Kaz lost count of your apologies. He wanted so badly to hate you, to tell you to leave, to never forgive you. You've done things like this before. Apologizing for not having the courage to leave your lover.

But when Kaz looked at you, sitting on his floor, resting your head on his leg, he knew your apologies were genuine. He knew you regretted your actions. He knew you wanted to actually make this work. His heart clenched in his chest seeing you like this.

He slowly and carefully slid off of his mattress to sit next to you. He removed the pillow from your lap and he placed it behind you as he took you in his arms.

Wiping your tears, you put your head in the crook of his neck, occasionally kissing some spots as Kaz stroked your hair.

You woke up lying on the floor, the pillow under your head, your back pulled into Kaz's bare chest, and a throw blanket covering your and Kaz's bodies.

You turned your body to face Kaz, thankfully not waking him. His right arm was slung over your waist. The morning sun lit his face, making him look ethereal. His mouth hung open just slightly, soft snores escaping him.

Saints he was perfect.

Why did it take you so long to finally realize that?

No one could ever be better than Kaz Brekker.

You gently put your left hand behind his head, leaning your face towards his, finally placing your lips onto his. The kiss woke him up and he pulled away, turning to lay on his back, his eyes scrunching from the light coming from the window.

Your face hovered above his and he finally opened his eyes, looking at you. He set his hand on your back.

"Hey," he whispered, his voice deep and cracky, having just woken up.

You smiled. "Hey." You kissed him again and this time he kissed back, fully awake and aware. He smiled into the kiss, which made your smile grow wider.

Just kissing each other.

Jesper let his hand on your waist slide under your shirt and he drew on the bare skin of your ribs with his fingertips. As he continued tracing whatever shapes came to his mind, he kissed the top of your forehead.

This was nice.

You and Jesper weren't official or anything. The two of you had spoken about it but never ended up coming to a conclusion. Theoretically, nearly nothing was stopping you. However, you could never be sure how Kaz would react if two of his Crows were together, and Jesper wanted to protect you from the enemies he'd made gambling.

You shifted around in your bed to get a better look at his Kaelish grey eyes that had become your shelter these past few months. You moved some of his dark, curly hair out of his face.

Jesper smiled. "Admiring my beauty?"

You gave a soft chuckle. "Always."

He planted a kiss on your lips. "I'll see you tomorrow, love." Jesper escaped from the tangles of your bodies and he stood from the bed.

You sat up. "You could stay the night if you want."

Jesper sighed and he gave you another kiss on your temple. "I want nothing more, Y/N. But I can't. Chances are, Kaz will either need you or me for some ridiculous job tomorrow morning and we don't need him finding me in your bed." He swiftly put his vest on and buttoned it up.

When he opened your bedroom door, he gave you one last longing look before closing the door behind him, leaving you alone. You sighed as you laid down on your bed, about ready to fall asleep.

Despite your closeness to Jesper, there were still things you never told him. How his gambling addiction sometimes scares you, but you know and see that he's doing better. How every time he's in your room, you hope that he'll finally stay the night. How when he does leave, you ache for his warmth back as you fall asleep.

How if he asked you to make things official, you would say yes in a heartbeat, no looking back.

During the day, as always, the only thing you could think about was Jesper. Every time you were in his presence, your heart raced, and he knew it. He sneaked touches and if you were alone, a kiss, but you were always anxiously waiting for night.

More often than not, Kaz needed you to do some small job each day. The jobs ranged from threatening someone to buying a piece of clothing. And this morning, as if on cue, Kaz came downstairs as you were eating breakfast with Inej and Jesper.

He handed you a folded piece of parchment. "I need you to go to this address." You took the paper. "There's no one home for the next two days and there's an expensive ring in the main bedroom."

"Let me take a guess. You want me to steal the ring?" You opened the parchment and found the address of some merchant. Kaz nodded. You took one last bite of bacon. "I suppose I'll be back in a bit."

You stood from your seat and noticed Jesper looking up at you, maybe with a bit of concern on his face. You wished you could hug him or touch him or let alone kiss him, but you just had to smile and leave.

The mission didn't go as planned.

Either Kaz didn't know, or he forgot to mention that even though the merchant wasn't there, there were still three guards who caught you. You managed to take them down and get out with the ring, but not without a guard leaving you the pleasant gift of a slash to the thigh. It wasn't very deep, but it was still annoying.

After coming back to the Slat, you gave Kaz the ring (not without conveying your annoyance). You then went up to your room and fixed your leg up.

It was around midnight when Jesper entered your room. You were sitting on the ledge in front of your window, looking up at the stars. You adjusted your position to allow him to sit behind you, your body in between his legs.

He kissed your neck. "How's your leg?"

"It'll heal. Hopefully fast."

Jesper looked out your window. It was a pretty night in Ketterdam. The stars were somewhat visible, more so than they usually are, at least.

Jesper reached to grab something next to the ledge. "I managed to score this earlier." He held it in front of you. A bottle of whiskey. A good bottle of whiskey.

The two of you spoke quietly as you drank and he held you. You got drunker and you giggled with him. You spoke about whatever came to your mind. Jesper always had that effect on you. He was easy to talk to.

At one point, he moved your head to get a better look at your face. He silently stared at you with a look on his face that you had never seen before. He looked at you as if you were the whole world. As if you were the one who put the stars in the sky.

You gave a small smile. "What?"

Jesper shook his head. "Nothing. I just never thought I'd have you like this." He pressed a kiss to your lips and you melted into it. You could taste the whiskey you both were drinking as your lips moved into each other.

Soon, he broke away and looked out your window. You followed his gaze and saw the tiniest bit of light, signaling that the day was starting.

Please don't leave.

He left after giving you a single kiss on your nose. You figured you would have about an hour or two to sleep before Kaz would start annoying you again.

When you woke, you rolled over in your bed, feeling beside you to see if Jesper had just possibly come back.

All you felt were the blankets and the sheets.

You were still drunk, but you knew you had to get up and start the day.

Due to your injury, Kaz didn't send you on any jobs, which made you very bored. You sat in the Crow Club, drinking despite the whiskey with Jesper and the early time.

You were lonely. Jesper wasn't there to hold you or talk your ear off. Inej was probably at the Slat. You wouldn't have even minded Kaz's company, but he was off doing more important things. It was just you and your thoughts longing for Jesper.

You couldn't take it any longer. You paid for your drinks and you went back to the Slat, determined. You quickly found Inej who was sitting and reading something. "Do you know where Jesper is?"

Without even looking at you, she pointed up the stairs. "His room."

You thanked her and you practically ran up the stairs. After finding Jesper's bedroom door, you knocked vigorously. He opened the door with concern all over his face. You pushed past him to get in.

Jesper shut the door. "Y/N, what's going on?"

"You know I want you, right?"

Jesper was silent for a few seconds, stunned. "Yes."

"Do you want me?"

"Yes," He replied with no hesitation.