#rough path

If you would have said this year that I would have gone to Hawaii

I’d have laughed at you..

but then again..

if you’d said I would have had a near-catastrophe in my relationship(s)..

well

I wouldn’t have laughed at you..

but things change suddenly..

What you think you know, you don’t

and what you don’t ask, can destroy you..

and when you don’t speak

don’t be surprised to be demonized

try not to tell lies..

but scant truths are barely better..

rock bottom becomes the granite upon which I build

so that I don’t take for granted the foundation I have made..

I wouldn’t trade what has happened any more than I could wade 

into a black hole

at least not without having my last rites read..

my soul has been bled out

I tread out of mind and body

to find the only peace available to me..

an astral divinity

a personal trinity

as sublime as a two ton wrecking ball to the face

the place is wasted on me

I seem to flee at every opportunity

...in the past four years.

The 18-year-old girl who hauled her closet to Aberdeen Inverness dorms in September of 2007 is gone. In hindsight, my naivety back then was so ridiculous. Because I was spoiled with some of the most supportive and reliable friends consistently throughout jr. high and high school, I immaturely assumed that everyone in my hall would be the best of friends.

It took less than a quarter for me to realize that this is hardly ever the case. The dorms quickly divide into cliques and everyone clings to their respective niches. I remember the first night of the dorms, I eagerly introduced myself to my neighbors who had a group of friends over. Instead of the welcoming smiles I expected, I remember feeling completely out of place.

Back then, I was the go-with-the-flow girl. At this point, I still hadn't realized that I met my best friends in high school because I was simply lucky enough to have them. I thought that everyone has their support, good nature, and great intentions for me. I didn't know it then, but my second year would teach me this lesson...

During my second year I tried to make it work--I tried to be content in what I was given. But soon enough, I was pushed over the edge by constant negativity and I began feeling frustrated that I couldn't figure out a way to burst out of this bubble that I let form around me. I hated that feeling.

Time went on, and I focused on doing well in my classes, remained committed to my editorial duties at the Highlander Newspaper, and went home most weekends. But still I had that itch. I had that feeling like I wasn't living up to my entire potential. It was the beginning of my third-year that I made the decision to apply to UCDC. Upon my acceptance, I had practically already checked out. Not to say that I am not grateful for the few friends I did make in my bubble--but I was ready to start fresh and take more risks. It was almost as if I had pent up motivation over 2 years to become more cultural, more knowledgeable, and generally try new things.

I remember landing in Dulles Airport. I wanted to save money and be more adventurous so instead of a cab, I took a shuttle to the bus to the metro and then walked 4 blocks to what was my new home for 10 weeks. That feeling of newness is incomparable. It also felt like a freshman year do-over.

It was a defining moment for me; this time, I didn't make the same mistake. I met my roommates, and instead of eagerly assuming anything--I took a different approach. I chose to first get to know the people around me and then decide if they are deserving of my friendship. This helped build my confidence and pretty soon I found myself learning and experiencing new things every day in DC. It was exhilarating. Instead of going with the flow or playing it safe, I made a conscious effort to make friends with people I found interesting--people that wanted to experience new things like I did. I carefully differentiated between those who are best suited as acquaintances and those with whom I can build a real friendship. This new-found confidence resulted in a long-lasting new friendship that is stronger now than ever. It was also such friendships that pushed me to keep trying new things--even study abroad to London and visit Paris, something I never even considered freshman year.

Since then, I've never looked back. Never again will I be too afraid to take action. College has taught me how valuable friendships are. But friendships take effort, cultivation, and a little risk. We are all deserving of great friendships if we are willing to make the effort. I now realize that the lifelong friends I made in jr. high were not because I had any right to such great friends. I was lucky. But you can't always stick with whoever is around. If they do not share your goals and hobbies, they can be destructive to personal growth. So, cut out the negativity. Instead, it's important to base your friendships off of the person that you want to be, because true friends will act as fuel to your confidence in helping you achieve the best version of you.

But of course, I could never regret any of my past decisions because each has led me to a greater understanding of the value behind friendship. As I prepare to graduate, I'm bracing myself for rougher paths. Everyone will disperse into different directions after graduation, and it will take more effort now--than ever before--to maintain strong friendships and seek out new, deserving people with whom I can explore new experiences.