the ramifications of what shoma's abusive father considered 'not like a man' i.e. crying when in pain from the training sessions shoma endures (constant physical abuse even through broken bones). the way that affected shoma as a young trans man, the dysphoria of being considered 'not man enough' because you weep when you're upset...

because you can't take a punch...

learning how to numb your pain, no flinching, to win a fight without fail.

learning your body is never going to be good enough and your emotions are too much and even though these were the worst years and moments of your life, you survived. and you still love despite it. and you still love your family even if it was fragmented. even if your father saw a curse in you and wanted to spare you the agony of your death by teaching you, in the worst way, how to rid yourself of pain.

you can't forgive him, maybe not until the next life. but at least you're alive.

maybe you can at least save other kids, because your childhood wasn't salvageable as it was. maybe you can save them pain through the grace of gentleness, so you learn to nurture. it's okay to feel intensely. it's wrong to feel so intensely that you hurt other people. it's a balance, one that maybe even you are still learning, but it's one you're good at understanding.