#roee

I realized shortly after I started this project that it was all pretty useless unless I actively reflected on/jotted down the memories, feelings, thoughts and general observations that reading my old journals has brought up. I procrastinated doing it for awhile, since it required less passivity than just typing up what I see on the page, but I am finally doing it. As of yet I haven't decided if I am going to schedule these, like every 6 months of time that elapses in the journal, or if I'll just write them when inspiration strikes. I did think it was appropriate to write one right after the entries from my 14th birthday. 

Also, this first entry will miss a lot, since I procrastinated so much... Anyways. I'm just going to start with one big thought, since it's pretty expansive and this post will be long:

           I am really surprised and saddened by how much self-loathing and internalized slut-shaming is in these pages. I hated myself for being loud, opinionated, excitable, vivacious. I saw myself as a jezebel who was deliberately and cruelly deceiving men all around me, and like I was somehow incapable of preventing myself from doing these horrible things. I was very influenced by several conversations I had with friends at the time, who told me versions of the following:

My enthusiasm and outgoingness made them feel bad about themselves and I should stop

My expressions of affection (hugging a guy friend, for example) was really being a flirt and a tease, and I should stop

I was a bad person for "using" and "teasing" boys

In particular I remember receiving a letter from Roee, chewing me out for leading Noah on. 

Something that was definitely true of me at this time is that I was discovering very quickly that my sexuality was where I could derive most of my power, so I definitely began experimenting with using my sexuality and my sexiness to influence people. However, I would immediately feel incredibly guilty about this. 

The note that Tildy left in my journal for me to find was one of the most uplifting and surprising things I stumbled across. Her simple thoughts about me feeling like a "witchy woman" are so poignant and sweet. I wish I had been able to understand her words and take them more to heart at the time.